Allentown, PA – 3.23.2013
We start out with a thumb wrestling challenge from Sindey Bakabella who claims he recently won the World Thumb Wrestling champion. He is able to defeat the CHIKARA concierge Brendan O’Donnell and CHIKARA photographer Zia Hitley, cheating in both instances. A young fan named Chris is able to defeat Bakabella when he is momentarily distracted! Bakabella says the kid is on the gas and works for Vince Jr. He tries to attack Chris with his shoe but is stopped. Chris is still the legal victor when all is said and done.
Saturyne vs. Princess Kimber Lee
This is a rematch from last month’s show. Saturyne wastes no time throwing kicks Lee’s way. She gives Lee a wheelbarrow facebuster into the second turnbuckle. Lee snapmares her into a back kick. She chokes Saturyne on the middle rope and gives her a backbreaker. Lee then chokes her on the mat after a boot to the face. Saturyne hops over her in the corner and rolls her up for two. Lee stomps on her in anger. Saturyne throws some kicks until Lee knocks her down with a kick of her own. Lee gets two with an Overbomb. Lee tries for a powerbomb but Saturyne huracanrana’s through it. Saturyne gets two with a prawn hold. She drops Lee with a quesadora bulldog for two. Saturyne misses a crossbody. Lee goes under the ring to grab small hammer which is tucked into her boot. She pulls an Eddie Guerrero by tossing the hammer to Saturyne and playing dead. Dan Yost missed this and decides to disqualify Saturyne at 7:25. Lame finish aside the action was quite good. I understand it was to build a third (and final?) bout between the two but it definitely felt like a forced DQ. **1/4
Saturyne dropkicks Lee after the bell. Lee jabs her with the hammer. She suggests that while Saturyne is on her knees that she kiss her feet. These two will meet again in a “Kiss My Foot” match on April 28th.
Juan Francisco (with his manservant Herbert) had a match with Jolly Roger. It was a short affair, as Roger got knocked out for a count out by Herbert. Coronado was satisfied with this victory and bragged about it. Amasis of all people runs in as Coronado goes on and on about winning the banana. Herbert warns him, causing Coronado to turn around into some chest kicks which send Coronado to the floor. We have ourselves an impromptu match.
Amasis vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado
Coronado tries legdropping Amasis as he comes back in but misses. Coronado however does get in a throat thrust. He powerslams Amasis as he comes off the ropes. Herbert chokes him on the middle rope behind the referee’s back. Coronado follows that with a neckbreaker for two. Amasis gives him a spinebuster for two. He also gets two with a German suplex. Amasis gets Coronado on his shoulders and Herbert distracts him. Coronado trips Amasis and puts on the Coronado Clutch. Amasis rolls through, sending Coronado into Herbert. Amasis gives him a rolling forearm to end Coronado’s winning streak at 3:59. Short but sweet. Amasis is in remarkable shape for being gone for so long. I’m excited to see what he can do in longer bouts, especially since this one was fun for how short it ended up being. **
The Estonian Thunderfrog & Latvian Proud Oak vs. Kodama & Kobald
Ophidian is in the Batiri’s corner. Oak wears out Kobald with a few hip tosses. Thunderfrog knocks down Kodama with a double axe handle to the chest. The Siege keep doing a “S” position which stands for “Safety Dance”, presumably a method they use to keep The Batiri away. Kodama accidentally forearms Kobald when Bryce holds up the S himself. Oak and Thunderfrog drop Kodama on his stomach. “The Safety Dance” then begins playing, and as you would guess, the Baltic Siege and Bryce began doing the dance. They get multiple fans and Gavin Loudspeaker to join them. Kobald brings Oak back into the ring while Kodama moonsaults off the apron onto the Thunderfrog. The Batiri isolate Oak while Thunderfrog recovers. Oak is able to roll through a double team and tag in Thunderfrog. He belly-to-belly suplexes both Batiri members and throws their heads together. Thunderfrog muscles up Kodama into a running powerslam. Kodama shoves him off the top rope, but on his fall he nails Kobald with a double axe handle. Oak splashs Kodama after a torture rack bomb for two. Kodama gives him a backbreaker. Kobald follows up with the Demon’s Toilet. Thunderfrog breaks the cover. Kobald tries the safety dance but gets kicked for his troubles. Ophidian distracts the Proud Oak. Kodama kicks him out. He hits Thunderfrog in the stomach with Ophidian’s crutch, allowing Kobald to roll him up for the pin at 13:43. The ending was awkward with Thunderfrog sitting there with Kobald for a long while waiting for the interference. That aside, it was fun while it lasted, and of course will be remembered for the Safety Dance. **3/4
A man in a pig mask emerges from the elevator. The Baltic Siege seem confused by his presence.
Hallowicked vs. Jaka
Jaka breaks a wristlock by giving Hallowicked a headbutt in the chest. Hallowicked drop toe holds him, but Jaka just comes back with some strikes. Hallowicked kicks him from the apron and slingshots in with a roll-up for two. He throws Jaka’s head into the corner a few times which does no damage. He traps Hallowicked in the ropes so he can throw more strikes and deliver a neckbreaker. Hallowicked sends him to the floor with a step-up Frankensteiner and follows with a suicide dive. In the ring Jaka gives him a Samoan Drop for two. He also gets two with a rolling thunder headbutt. Jaka misses a corner splash allowing Hallowicked to give him another enzuigiri and a yakuza kick to the back of the head. Jaka is able to kick out. He avoids another yakuza kick and German suplexes Hallowicked for two. Sidney Bakabella watches on as Hallowicked gives Jaka a super snapmare. Jaka gets his knees up to block a Swanton Bomb. He gets two with a powerslam. Hallowicked gives him Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Jaka kicks out which frustrates Hallowicked. Jaka absorbs some forearm shots to the head. He drives Hallowicked’s face into his knees before applying the Jaws of the Jaguar. Hallowicked passes out at 11:33. This was a time for Jaka to look really strong and made the most of it. Not only did he play up the “hard headed” gimmick by kicking out Hallowicked’s yakuza kick to the skull which would put most people away, but also got to kick out of Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. He consistently entertains on these shows and I’m glad to see that it is beginning to pay off. Hallowicked is always great. ***1/4
Bakabella puts out his hand for Jaka as he walks by. Jaka gives it a sniff and continues to head to the back. UltraMantis Black assists Hallowicked to the back.
Dasher Hatfield vs. Oleg the Usurper
Sidney Bakabella is in Oleg’s corner. Oleg whips Hatfield across the ring in a double knuckle lock. Hatfield tries for a headlock but gets thrown off. He holds up an invisible baseball. Bakabella comes in the ring to play with him, Oleg, and referee Dan Yost. Oleg doesn’t seem to get it which is probably why he strikes out. Hatfield goes for a couple quick pin attempts but can’t get it. He smacks Oleg on the buttocks. Oleg splashes him against the ropes. He gaints some momentum by running the ropes. He misses a corner splash. Hatfield fails to get him on his shoulders. He gets thrown to the corner. Hatfield blocks a chokeslam and comes off the second rope with a dropkick. He delivers a baseball slide dropkick for two. Oleg slams him into the corner and drops him with a half-nelson slam. Hatfield gets Oleg to the floor. He follows with a suicide dive that sends Oleg into the wall. He gets two with a Slingshot Oklahoma Roll. Oleg responds with a backbreaker. Hatfield blocks “Off With His Head.” He lifts up Oleg into the Suicide Squeeze! He has the win until Bakabella pulls him off. While Hatfield is busy with Bakabella, Oleg puts him away with “Off With His Head” at 13:03. I’m not entirely sold on Oleg but he worked pretty well with Hatfield. I still don’t know if Oleg is a relic from the past, or sometimes just a moron, but his arsenal could already use some freshening up. **
Sidney Bakabella comes back out with the Devastation Corporation. He tells us that Fire Ant had “an accident” tonight as in no shape to compete. He claims that the Corporation wins the match by forfeit. Green Ant comes out to stop Gavin Loudspeaker from making that call. He has a replacement partner: Jervis Cottonbelly!
Green Ant & Jervis Cottonbelly vs. Max Smashmaster & Blaster McMassive
Cottonbelly shakes McMassive’s hand. Smashmaster punches him in the stomach. Green Ant dropkicks them both. He fights them off with punches. He superkicks Smashmaster and sends McMassive to the floor. He follows with a suicide dive. Smashmaster drops Cottonbelly stomach first on the ring apron. McMassive wears down Green Ant as well. Green Ant is able to use the ropes to dropkick Smashmaster to the corner, but shortly after the Corporation take over. McMassive bear hugs Green Ant. Smashmaster wants to get in some shots but Green Ant fights back. He throws Smashmaster’s head into McMassive’s to escape. Cottonbelly throws forearms at the Corporation. He gets two on McMassive with an O’Conner Roll. Smashmaster slams him onto the floor! Green Ant headbutts Smashmaster in the chest. He drops him with a tornado DDT. McMassive gets his leg kicked out. Smashmaster powerbombs Green Ant. The Corporation set him up for the Death Blow. Cottonbelly grabs Smashmaster’s leg to stop him. Green Ant inside cradles McMassive for two. Bakabella grabs his leg and McMassive boots him out. The Corporation puts Cottonbelly away with the Death Blow at 11:10. This was not pretty. Too much sloppiness and mis-steps. The Corporation seem to be slowly improving but this was an unfortunate step backwards. Hopefully they learn from their errors and move forward. *1/2
WiF Banana “Championship” Match
“Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti (Champion) vs. assailANT
assailANT defeated Angelosetti at the CHIKARA “Watchmaker” event a couple weekends ago. Since he is too old to compete for the Young Lions Cup, assailANT will get a shot at Mark’s banana. assailANT has been teasing Angelosetti with a nerdy looking photo which some fans have. Angelosetti attacks him on the floor and ends up chopping the ring post. assailANT knocks him down with a double axe handle to the chest. Angelosetti trips him off of the second turnbuckle. He ends a Lucha sequence by stomping assailANT on his face. He drops a knee onto the face for two. He does some damage to assailANT’s lower back. Angelosetti catches him in his comeback attempt with a big time spinebuster for two. He splashes onto assailANT twice before hitting the Tebow pose. He gets two with a twisting dropkick. assailANT catches him mid-air with a dropkick. He throws some headbutts to Angelosetti’s chest. He drops him with a uranage suplex for two. Angelosetti goes for another spinebuster. assailANT sunset flips his way through. He goes for a pump-handle maneuver. Angelosetti escapes and tries for a crossbody. assailANT rolls through and lifts him up into a Death Valley Driver. Angelosetti kicks out. He hits the Flea Flicker for two. They trade forearm strikes. Angelosetti tackles assailANT a few times in the corner. He cracks him in the jaw with a forearm. assailANT blocks a second Flea Flicker with the GTS (Get the Sugar). He locks on the CHIKARA Special: Blue, causing Angelosetti to tap out at 9:59, making assailANT the new Possessor of the Potassium! This was about as good as their first match but with the added drama it made for a even more fun dynamic. assailANT has worked really hard and improved greatly since debuting a year ago. I think this win is a nice reward for his improvement and hard work. I hope he gets a worthwhile reign. ***1/4