The Shape of Things to Come


Philadelphia, PA – 3.31.2017 (Air Date; Film Date Unknown)

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: UltraMantis Black
Campeones de Parejas: Moustache Mountain (Trent Seven & Tyler Bate)
Young Lions Cup Champion: ThunderFrog

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush.

Princess KimberLee is back at the barber shop. She says she’s glad “he’s gone” and is ready to put that skeleton back in the closet. She asks the unknown barber what’s new with him as we’re shown the contents of the barber’s shelf, including a blue clock.

Officer Warren Barksdale & Officer Bruno Meloni vs. Hermit Crab & Cajun Crawdad

The Crustaceans attack The Force as the Force are patting them down. They almost hit Barksdale with Low Tide, but Meloni trips Crawdad and brings him outside. The Force hit a tandem spinebuster, then Barksdale assists Meloni with a splash. Barksdale hits his own splash and Crawdad breaks his cover on Crab. Meloni hammerlocks Crawdad and brings him to his corner. He and Barksdale send Crawdad head first into the corner. Crab enters to save his partner, but ends up getting taken down with a tandem Samoan Drop. The Force double hip toss Crab into Crawdad. The Force spend too much time celebrating and get the Crustaceans pincers dug into their clavicles. Meloni is tossed out and Barksdale is double chokeslammed. Barksdale is worn down by Crab and Crawdad in their half of the ring. Barksdale counters Low Tide, sending Crawdad to the floor and getting a nearfall with a prawn hold on Crab. Crawdad yanks Meloni off the apron so Barksdale can’t tag, then jams his throat onto the top rope. Barksdale however is able to counter Crab’s Naniwa elbow with a middle rope armdrag! Meloni tags in, throwing multiple knees to Crawdad’s chest before hitting a dropkick. He drops Crawdad with Case Closed (spinning headlock elbow drop) and a DDT. Crab puts Meloni in the Boston Crab. He lets go when Meloni gets near the ropes, then pops up Crawdad into an elbow drop. Barksdale breaks the cover. Meloni handcuffs Crab to the ropes! The Force hit Law and Order on Crawdad for the pin at 10:45. It feels really odd to me that The Force, the Tecnicos, used handcuffs for an unfair advantage. It’s not as if the Crustaceans were abusing illegal double team offense to the point where they had to do something. Even before that moment the match was a bit of a mess. Not the best way to start the evening. *

Missile Assault Man knocked Juan Francisco de Coronado off the board when he defeated him at “Happily Ever After.” Juan tells Missile Assault Man that their rematch tonight is all about points. He will defeat Missile Assault Man and go on to win the Grand Championship.

Missile Assault Man vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado

Coronado attacks Missile behind his back before the bell. Coronado pummels him across the back and takes him down with a dropkick. Missile gets in a flurry of uppercuts before Coronado sends him face first into the opposite corner. He drives Missile back first into the corner. He tries another dropkick but Missile catches his legs. Coronado kicks Missile away to avoid a sharpshooter and retaliates with a quebradora backbreaker. He blasts Missile in the temple for two. Missile is able to catch Coronado in the corner, using the middle rope for a backbreaker. Missile throws some uppercuts, but Coronado kicks him in the face. Missile whips Coronado back first to the corner, leaving both men writhing on the mat in pain. Missile backdrops his way out of a Tiger Driver attempt. He steps backwards and turns Coronado over into the sharpshooter. Coronado crawls his way to the ropes to break free. After countering one another, Coronado clasps on the Coronado Clutch. Missile almost has the ropes when Coronado pulls him back to the dead center of the ring. Missile gets to the corner and uses the ropes to climb up and release the leverage. Coronado releases. He misses a corner attack. Missile throws an uppercut and then calls for the Missile Launcher. Coronado slips out and German suplexes Missile for the pin at 8:26. I thought this was marked improvement from their first match. There was urgency in everything they did, with Missile desperate to win his third point and Juan desperate to get back on the board and do the same thing Missile did to him; spoil his Grand Championship opportunity. I hope we get a rubber match between these two. ***

The Furies of Ophidian, Fire Ant, Icarus, and Obariyon are standing by. Ophidian says they are doing this for everyone who stood up to Nazmaldun and for those who fell to him as well, in addition to protecting CHIKARA. They will be wrath and vengeance, for they are The Furies.

Icarus, Fire Ant {C} & Obariyon vs. Hallowicked {LOR}, Frightmare {LOR} & Kobald {LOR}

Icarus attacks Hallowicked and chaos erupts between Fire Ant and Frightmare. Obariyon wants answers from Kobald, but Kobald simply grabs his head in anguish. Obariyon is silenced by Hallowicked and Frightmare squishing him with his own partners. Icarus hits a springboard clothesline on Hallowicked. Frightmare responds in kind. Fire Ant high crossbody’s onto Frightmare. Frightmare ducks the Yahtzee Kick and nails a Pele kick. He attempts a Frankensteiner but takes a powerbomb instead. Frightmare ducks the Yahtzee Kick again and rolls up Fire Ant into a single arm powerbomb. He cracks Fire Ant with a yakuza kick. Fire Ant responds with a flying forearm to the opposite corner. Frightmare catches him coming off the ropes with Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Obariyon drop toe holds Frightmare onto the middle rope and knee strikes him in the back of the head. Kobald chops Obariyon. Obariyon goes up and over in the corner into a back cracker. Kobald holds onto Obariyon so Hallowicked can nail him from behind with a step-up enzuigiri. This allows the Legion of Rot to isolate and wear down Obariyon in their half of the ring. Fire Ant and Icarus jump in angry, but all that does is cause the referee Bryce Remsburg to be distracted and the Legion of Rot to illegally triple team Obariyon. Obariyon sends Frightmare to the floor and comes off the second rope with a swinging Frankensteiner to Hallowicked. Both Kobald and Frightmare pull Icarus and Fire Ant off the apron, preventing a tag. Obariyon is able to get the tag to Fire Ant after valiantly fighting off the Legion of Rot on his own and kicking Hallowicked away twice. Alas, Fire Ant is immediately taken out with a Rydeen Bomb. Icarus knocks down Kobald and Frightmare before staring down Icarus. Frightmare grabs Icarus’ foot so Hallowicked can boot him down. Icarus takes down Frightmare and strings multiple shoulder tackles together. He lands a Blue Thunder Bomb but Kobald breaks the pin. Icarus swings Kobald out into a knee strike to the face. He drills Frightmare with a Complete Shot. Frightmare escapes the Shiranui. Kobald spears Icarus. Frightmare and Hallowicked hit him with stereo enzuigiri’s. Both Fire Ant and Obariyon jump in to stop the pin. The two trios trade forearm strikes. The Furies dropkick the Legion of Rot to the floor and suicide dive after them. Back inside, Icarus plants Kobald with the Shiranui. Fire Ant cracks Kobald with the Yahtzee Kick. Obariyon comes off the top with a diving headbutt for the pin at 12:52. The win here was key for the Furies to establish themselves as a force to be reckoned with. Commentary did a great job explaining that all of them coming from tag team backgrounds made it easy for them to adapt to being partners more so than it would for a new team of singles competitors. This was your typical fast paced, action packed trios match, but the story whipped into it is what helps set it apart. ***½

Ophidian says a princess is a noble woman who carries herself with poise and dignity. Up until recently, that’s exactly how Ophidian would describe KimberLee. Lately, she’s lacked compassion and empathy for her comrades and turned into a brute. The CHIKARMY watched her grow into a powerful warrior. Unfortunately, they won’t remember how she led a group of misfits to win the Challenge of Immortals or her undying resolve to retain the Grand Championship, but her fall from grace in the face of adversity. Ophidian had been looking forward to the chance to test himself against her. Whatever her reasoning is for the challenge, Ophidian will be happy to take away her Grand Championship opportunity and start his own journey to the title. He wishes he could still call her a friend, but now she’s more of an enemy, and he will do what he must to win.

Ophidian vs. Princess KimberLee

Ophidian ducks KimberLee’s initial offense. She gets some shots on the shoulder blades before dropping him with a crucifix driver and a kick to the head! She applies a chinlock and throws more shots to the shoulders. When Ophidian blocks a powerbomb, KimberLee gives him a swift kick to the head and lower back. Ophidian throws a forearm and KimberLee throws one right back. She throws more back kicks and chops in the corners. KimberLee applies a half crab. He rolls underneath to escape, but KimberLee wastes no time, throwing a pump kick and another kick to the head. She pulls Ophidian into a Lotus Lock. She transitions into a bodyscissors and rolls Ophidian onto his shoulders for two. Ophidian wins a chop battle. Both competitors land hard offense in opposing corners. KimberLee gets the better of the exchange and puts Ophidian in an Anaconda Vise. Ophidian carries her out to the middle of the ring, but KimberLee uses that to hit a Yoshi Tonic for two. She catches Ophidian coming off the ropes with a quebradora backbreaker. The fans chanting “why Kim, why?” catches her off guard. Ophidian small packages her for two, but another kick keeps KimberLee in the driver’s seat. Ophidian lifts up KimberLee’s arm to escape a chin lock and kicks her in the jaw. He misses a quebrada. KimberLee kicks him in the left shoulder. She peppers Ophidian with chest kicks as he is seated in the corner. She drives her knees into Ophidian’s chest for two. Ophidian throws multiple shots to the chest. KimberLee ducks an enzuigiri and German suplexes Ophidian. KimberLee looks distressed as she unloads three more. She bridged on the third and Ophidian kicks out. She calls for the Coronation. Ophidian blocks, pulling up KimberLee in a nerve hold and hitting an enzuigiri. He drives his knees into her chest twice. He comes off the top with Meteora for two. KimberLee uses her legs to bring Ophidian down into a cross armbreaker attempt. Ophidian stacks her up on the shoulders to break. He looks for the Death Grip. KimberLee shoots him to the ropes and pops him up into a powerbomb. KimberLee looks to the entrance ramp, clearly distracted and looking for someone. Ophidian hooks her from behind in a bridging backslide for the pin at 13:22. The finish was anticlimatic, as KimberLee seemed distracted for no real reason and Ophidian lucked into the win because of her stupidity. I get what they were going for but it could have been done much more effectively. The action got a bit repetitive and it seemed like a sure thing Ophidian would win because it’s KimberLee’s final match and she didn’t cash in her points. That said, I enjoyed watching the story play out up until that point and both competitors worked hard. A few minor changes would’ve made this better, but I still enjoyed it. **¾

Campeonatos de Parejas
Dasher Hatfield {T} & Mark Angelosetti {T} vs. Sonny Defarge & Cornelius Crummels vs. Rick Roland & Sloan Caprice

Due to failure on Moustache Mountain to defend the titles in what Director of Fun Mike Quackenbush felt was a reasonable amount of time, los Campeones de Parejas are vacated. This match is to crown the new Campeones de Parejas. The first team to score two falls will be the new Campeones. Only two men are legal at a time. Dasher Hatfield cashed in his Golden Opportunity to put The Throwbacks in contention. The Closers earned 3 points and Sonny Defarge & Cornelius Crummels earned 6 points, making both teams eligible for a Campeones de Parejas opportunity.

Roland mows down Crummels with a shoulder block after escaping his side headlock with ease. Defarge is also knocked out with a shoulder block. The Throwbacks knock Roland down with double shoulder tackles and a double hip toss. Caprice interrupts their tandem offense, bringing Hatfield to the floor. Angelosetti on his own sends The Closers to the floor. The Throwbacks double hip toss Defarge into tandem jumping headbutts. Hatfield snaps off a series of armdrags on Defarge. Crummels tags in and Hatfield tags in Roland. Roland becomes angry at Crummels sneezing in his face. Defarge attacks Roland from behind. He and Crummels try a double suplex but end up being knocked down with a double clothesline. He Samoan Drops Defarge while giving Crummels a fallaway slam. Hatfield stops Roland’s pin. Caprice assists Roland with a powerslam, but Angelosetti breaks that fall. The Throwbacks dispose of Caprice before giving Roland a double suplex. Angelosetti ducks a clothesline from Caprice from the apron, swinging out and giving Caprice a backbreaker on the apron. Hatfield suicide dives onto Caprice afterwards. Roland superplexes Angelosetti back into the ring as Caprice brings Crummels back in. Crummels and Angelosetti are stacked up and are taken down with the Deal Breaker. Hatfield dives onto the pile to stop a pin on either man. Crummels is tossed out by Caprice and the Closers do considerable damage to Angelosetti in their corner, especially to the back. A missed Swanton from Caprice gives Angelosetti to the opportunity to tag in Hatfield. Hatfield clears Defarge and Crummels off the apron and slingshots Roland inside. He stacks up the Closers in the corner and charges in with a baseball slide dropkick. He muscles up Caprice into a Jackhammer to score the Throwbacks their first fall at 12:25. Roland drops Hatfield with a Baldo Bomb. He misses a Vader Bomb. Crummels sneaks in an Oklahoma Roll on Roland to earn himself and Defarge their first fall at 13:02. Roland gives Crummels a package powerbomb. Defarge breaks the pinfall. Roland stacks up Crummels and Defarge for the Deal Breaker. They hit it and Caprice pins Crummels at 13:55, and the match is now a sudden death scenario with all three teams having one fall won.

Angelosetti tries fighting off The Closers by himself but ends up being splashed by Roland in the corner. Angelosetti intercepts Caprice’s splash and tackles him into Roland! Angelosetti gives Defarge the Flea Flicker, but he rolls under the bottom rope. We see the Throwbacks setting up in the corner. Defarge shoulder tackles Angelosetti into the apron. Crummels monkey flips Hatfield to the floor onto the Closers and Angelosetti! Back in the ring Angelosetti once again finds himself fighting off both Closers. He mauls them with running palm strikes in opposite corners. Caprice buckle bombs Angelosetti sending him into Roland for a backbreaker. Crummels rings the bell to catch the teams off guard. Hatfield drags Roland out. Caprice is confused, thinking they won the match. Hatfield and Roland knock each other down with double clotheslines. Crummels ties himself around Roland’s upper body and in the ropes to render him immobile while Defarge pins Angelosetti at 17:50, making himself and Crummels the NEW Campeonatos de Parejas! This match was orchestrated to perfection, with Crummels and Defarge living up to the bill of dirtiest players in the game by finding shortcuts to win both of their falls. The Closers have right to be angry because they were duped by the fake bell and put in all the work to wear down Angelosetti which is what led to the final fall of the match. The Throwbacks too showed that they still have work to put in before becoming the formidable tandem they once were. It’s a shame Moustache Mountain couldn’t properly switch the titles, but this simple method of crowning new Campeones was the best one possible. ***½

Ophidian is holding a meeting in the locker room with Fire Ant standing next to him. In the room are Dez Peloton, all 3 Xyberhawx 2000, Travis Huckabee, Solo Darling, Icarus, Officer Warren Barksdale, Los Ice Creams, and Team Sea Stars. What happened in Chicago made Ophidian furious. What happened to Amasis should not and will not happen to any of them. He’s assembling a team to defend CHIKARA and ensure just that. He asks who is in, and Team Sea Stars, who seemed distracted during the meeting, raise their hands.

Race Jaxon can’t blame people for enjoying looking at him. He tells a story about renting a video cassette from Blockbuster, thinking it was a Batman video (due to confusing Doink for the Joker), but was actually WrestleMania X. He began watching RAW and became enthralled with a character called the Rock who could captivate the people. He notices UltraMantis Black does the same thing. Maybe not as much as the Rock, but a decent job. He talks about playing sports in high school and eventually getting a message on MySpace about joining a wrestling school in Manassas, VA. In quick time he was the best at the entire school, but because he had to have a license to wrestle in VA, he wrestled in Pennsylvania, dragging his mother to watch him dispose of unworthy challenges. A lot has changed since then, including winning los Campeonatos de Parejas within a year of his CHIKARA debut. It’s a new year and a new him, but still young and handsome. UltraMantis Black may hold the Grand Championship but Jaxon is going to take it from him. CHIKARA needs a face that doesn’t hide behind a mask.

Grand Championship
UltraMantis Black vs. Race Jaxon

UltraMantis Black has been champion since “Whatever Happened, Happened” and this is his first defense. As Jaxon is peeling off his shirt, Mantis attacks from behind. He chops and slaps Jaxon in the chest and belly while the shirt is still over his head. Jaxon frees his head but takes a back cracker. Mantis his Cosmic Doom for two. Jaxon reverses a whip. Mantis ducks a clothesline and hits a full-nelson slam. He puts on the Cobra Clutch, adding a backbreaker before Regalplexing Jaxon out of the hold. Three Praying Mantis Bombs give Mantis the win at 1:49. The promo before this was 7:08. I love that dichotomy. **½

Princess KimberLee is shown leaving the Wrestle Factory. The Whisper stops her, saying what she did in her match with Ophidian wasn’t what they agreed upon. He asks her if she wants her secrets to remain secret. Princess KimberLee says she’s changing the agreement. She’s tired of hurting her friends. Even though it’s one of the hardest things she’s had to do, she’s made the decision to quit CHIKARA. As she walks out, The Whisper unravels a yo-yo. The other side of the yo-yo is a clock, the same clock shown on the barber’s desk at the beginning of this episode.


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