The Empty Child


Enfield, CT – 3.5.2017

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: UltraMantis Black
Campeones de Parejas: Sonny Defarge & Cornelius Crummels
Young Lions Cup Champion: Space Monkey

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush.

Hermit Crab gives Hatfield credit for being a great baseball player, but all his strength and skill will mean nothing when he pinches his nerves.

Dasher Hatfield {T} vs. Hermit Crab

Hatfield considers a pre-match handshake, but thinks better of it. He instead trips Crab. Crab leapfrogs over Hatfield, but Hatfield slaps him on the buttocks. Crab avoids an armdrag and unloads with forearm strikes. Crab ducks Hatfield’s clotheslines but is taken down with a side headlock takeover. He weaves Crab up into a backdrop. Crab avoids a backdrop and gives Hatfield a neckbreaker. He digs his pincers into Hatfield’s neck before attempting a chokeslam. Hatfield intercepts and spins Crab out into a pair of armdrags and a double wrist clutch drag to send Crab outside. Hatfield comes out and gets shoved shoulder first into the ring post by Crab. Back in the ring he again digs his claws into Hatfield’s neck. Hatfield fails to elbow Crab away. Hatfield catches Crab’s Naniwa elbow drop and O’Connor rolls him for two. Although Hatfield lands a knee lift, Crab catches him coming off the ropes with a clothesline. Hatfield peppers Crab with shots to stop Crab doing more damage to the neck. Crab blocks a corner attack and digs his thumb and claw into Hatfield’s left clavicle. Hatfield is able to lift up Crab’s arms. He ducks a chop and tosses Crab overhead. Some running forearms lead a Detonation kick from Hatfield. He snapmares Crab into a two kick. Hatfield bandera’s to the apron when Crab whips him to the corner. Crab pulls Hatfield off the top, but Hatfield follows through with a cradle for a nearfall. Crab drops Hatfield neck first out of a Death Valley Driver across his knee. Hatfield swings Crab up for the cyclone neckbreaker. Crab digs his claws into the neck to stop the attack. He chokeslams Hatfield for the pin at 8:58. Like Crawdad vs. Touchdown last night, this was Crab’s best outing as a singles competitor to date in which he wrestled a smart strategy against a veteran competitor. Given Hatfield’s skill level and status, this win came across as a big deal. Hopefully Crab will be able to capitalize on the win. **¾

Fire Ant {C} vs. Merlok

Merlok tosses Fire Ant to the corner out of a lock-up. He mauls Fire Ant with forearm shots and a headbutt in the corner before whipping Fire Ant across the ring into the opposite corner. He tries again but Fire Ant bandera’s to the apron. Merlok resists two armdrag attempts, but Fire Ant is able to send him to the floor with a flying headscissors off the second rope. He follows out with a suicide dive. Back inside, Merlok catches Fire Ant’s high crossbody and drives him into the mat with a spin-out slam. He headbutts Fire Ant in the side of the head. Fire Ant gets in some desperation shots but is nailed with a knee strike from Merlok. Fire Ant gets in some chops, but Merlok stops him with his own strikes and a corner splash. He misses a second splash, allowing Fire Ant to nail a running forearm smash. Merlok counters a brainbuster attempt with a suplex slam. He drives Fire Ant back first into the corner. When he tries a second time, Fire Ant slips underneath looking for a sunset flip. Despite Merlok pulling him up, Fire Ant is able to drop him with a tornado DDT for two. Merlok pummels Fire Ant’s back to stop another brainbuster attempt. Merlok tries one of his own, but Fire Ant turns it into a stunner mid-move. Merlok blocks the Yahtzee Kick and pulls FIre Ant up onto his shoulders for a running Samoan Drop. Fire Ant gets his shoulders up right before a three count. Merlok hits a diving clothesline, but only gets two with that as well. Merlok decides to ascend the ropes. Fire Ant fights to bring him down with a super Frankensteiner. The Yahtzee Kick connects. Finally Fire Ant hits the brainbuster, but it barely gets a two count! Merlok absorbs a pair of high kicks and flurry of palm strikes to the chest. Merlok counters Fire Ant’s tornado DDT attempt with an Emerald Frosion for the pin at 10:19. Like the first match, this was the rookie besting the veteran, but with the size difference the story was even more convincing and Merlok looked even more dominant. Fire Ant adapted as the match progressed, but when he tried going back to the well with what worked before (the DDT), Merlok was prepared for it and it served as Fire Ant’s demise. I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve seen from Merlok so far and nobody is better in an underdog role than Fire Ant. ***

Mark Angelosetti {T}, Officer Warren Barksdale & Officer Bruno Meloni vs. Wani, Jeremy Leary & Mr. Azerbaijan {BP}

Meloni thinks Azerbaijan may have diplomatic immunity, but that doesn’t stop them from locking up. Azerbaijan checks himself out in the mirrors on the wall after each one of Meloni’s failed shoulder blocks. Meloni comes off the second rope with an alita before delivering a dropkick. Barksdale assists Meloni with a splash upon tagging in. Barksdale activate some lights on his shoulders to act as sirens, cartwheeling around the ring and dropkicking Azerbaijan. Leary runs in, only to take four atomic drops from the members of the Force, and a Manhattan Drop onto Azerbaijan’s knee. Wani and Angelosetti fight for control on the mat. Wani knees Angelosetti in the stomach in the corner. Wani snapmares Angelosetti into an enzuigiri for one. Angelosetti catches Wani’s leapfrog, slamming him into multiple splashes. A large back splash gets a two count. Barksdale attempts many different pin attempts on Wani to no avail. Azerbaijan enters and succumbs to a flapjack. Meloni tries a whip to the corner. Azerbaijan reverses, then tags in Leary who nails a low flying lariat. Meloni takes Leary to his corner with a chinbreaker. Angelosetti strings a series of shoulder blocks to Leary’s midsection together. Barksdale lands a second rope senton. Leary uppercuts Barksdale and brings him to the Rudo corner. Barksdale goes up and over when Wani whips him to the corner. He muscles Wani up into a vertical suplex for two. Meloni hammerlocks Wani’s arm. Wani rakes his eyes. Meloni gives him a warning. Wani grabs his ears. Meloni brings Wani down and cuffs his arms. Azerbaijan offers to translate the Miranda rights, but he can’t understand Meloni. Leary argues with the Force, allowing Wani to attack them both from behind. He tosses both of them across the ring near their collar. He airplane spins Meloni, and despite Barksdale’s best efforts to duck, it knocks him down. Wani Finlay rolls Meloni next to Barksdale, then hits a double senton. Angelosetti takes over with an armdrag and dropkick to Wani. Angelosetti flips out of a monkey flip. He shoulder blocks Wani multiple times in the corner. Wani and Angelosetti trade pin attempts. Angelosetti ducks an enzuigiri and press slams Wani onto the incoming Azerbaijan. The Rudos attempt a triple whip of the Tecnicos, but instead get their heads sent into one another. Azerbaijan and Leary dispose of Barksdale and Leary and isolate Meloni in their corner. Angelosetti is able to strike Azerbaijan from the corner, into a bearhug slam from Meloni. Angelosetti tags in. He slams Leary but Wani breaks the pin. Angelosetti swings Wani out into a reverse suplex. He spikes Leary with a running spinebuster, but Azerbaijan breaks the cover. He release suplexes Angelosetti. Barksdale knocks down Azerbaijan with a running clothesline. The Force hit Law & Order on Azerbaijan. Leary breaks their cover just in time. Wani tosses an illegal object in the ring. This causes Meloni and Angelosetti to take him and Azerbaijan out on the floor. While the referee is distracted by that object, Leary pulls another object out of his pocket and nails Barksdale with it, getting the pin at 15:54. Despite him looking solid against Ophidian last yet, I’m just not into Leary. The Force are trying but the crowd hasn’t responded to them just yet (Magnum aside.) This was harmless enough, but just too long for an ultimately pointless bout. **¼

Lucas Calhoun says there’s strange things going on in CHIKARA, and tonight will be a strange night for Juan Francisco de Coronado. He recognizes the tragedy of Coronado’s Ecuadorian ancestors creating Jiu Jitsu and the Brazilians stealing it, but Calhoun has a counter for anything Coronado wants to bring his way. Coronado may think he’s walking into a martial arts fight tonight, but he will find out Calhoun can wrestle as well as anybody else.

Lucas Calhoun vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado

Coronado refuses to let Calhoun keep on a headscissors for very long in the opening exchange. Coronado mocks Calhoun’s karate stance before slapping him in the face. Angry, Calhoun Judo throws Coronado twice before landing a Jon Woo dropkick. Coronado changes direction enough to strike Calhoun with an enzuigiri. Coronado attempts the Tiger Driver, but when Calhoun lifts him up, he tries a sunset flip. Calhoun muscles him up into a backbreaker, but Calhoun shows ill effects from that as he grabs his knee after the fact. Coronado notices, a chop blocks Calhoun’s leg out after slipping out of a slam attempt from Calhoun. Coronado continues wearing down the knee. After two shin breakers, Calhoun counters a third with a sunset flip. Coronado escapes, then dropkicks Calhoun down so he can apply a figure four leglock. Calhoun turns over to shift the hold, forcing Coronado to grab the bottom rope to break. Calhoun catches a charging Coronado with a back elbow. He turns Coronado around out of the corner with a vertical suplex and lands a senton splash for two. He fights for, and hits, a Samoan Drop. Coronado grabs the bottom rope to halt the count. Coronado trips Calhoun and floats over into the Coronado Clutch. Calhoun taps out, giving Coronado his third point and a Grand Championship opportunity at 8:40. Coronado has won all three of his points with the Coronado Clutch, so you know that will be a piece of the puzzle in his Grand Championship contest. This was simple, but very effective. **¾

Travis Huckabee is talking about the opportunity to fight two of the top tag teams in an Atomicos match tonight. Solo Darling is too distracted by the tantalizing Los Ice Creams, curious if they’re edible. Huckabee knows with Los Ice Creams experience and the heart of himself and Darling, they will be victorious.

Travis Huckabee, Solo Darling, El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC} vs. Sonny Defarge, Cornelius Crummels, Cajun Crawdad & Rock Lobster

Despite being grossed out by Defarge, Ice Cream Jr. is able to give him a two scoop slam and an Ace Crusher. Defarge rolls to the floor to avoid a pin. Crummels sneezes in Huckabee’s face to escape his technical wrestling prowess. Huckabee gets the better of Lobster in an exchange, feeding him to Los Ice Creams to get his face sent into Jr.’s boots. Los Ice Creams crush Lobster in the corner various tandem offense. The Rudos strategize outside before entering the ring. Whatever the Rudos had planned fails, as Crummels ends up hip tossed onto Defarge and both crustaceans. The Tecnicos feign a dive and have a laugh at the Rudos embarrassment. Once things calm down, Huckabee and Lobster go back to chain wrestling. Lobster rubs Huckabee’s face into a wet part of the canvas, wet due to melting ice in the canvas that formed due to the cold New England weather. Lobster trips Huckabee into a back senton from Crawdad. Defarge and Crummels assist the crustaceans wear down Huckabee in their corner. Huckabee is able to slip to the floor after a neckbreaker from Crawdad. Jr. intercepts a leapfrog from Crawdad and applies a Boston Crab. Crawdad gets the ropes. Crawdad bandera’s to the floor when Hijo whips him to the corner. He comes back in to try and assist Crummels and Defarge, but ends up getting double clotheslined by them. Crummels, Defarge, and Lobster miss a triple senton on Hijo. Darling and Huckabee run across their backs before Jr. gives Crawdad an Ace Crusher onto the three of them. Darling tries to get her sugar fix with Los Ice Creams, causing Los Ice Creams to flee. Defarge picks her up, which allows her to tag Huckabee incognito. Huckabee helps her clear the apron and take down Defarge with a headscissors. Defarge uppercuts Huckabee to escape a Stretch Plum. Defarge wins the fight for a fisherman’s suplex. Darling fights off both Crawdad and Lobster on her own, sending them out with hip attacks. Crummels catches her off guard with a dropkick. She takes Oliver Twist and a clothesline from Crummels and Defarge for two. Darling rolls to the apron while avoiding stomps from Defarge. Hijo attempts a suplex. Crummels tags in and sunset flips Hijo. Defarge knocks Hijo into Crummels’ knees for two. Hijo avoids a double leg sweep and sends their heads together. Huckabee comes in with a double dropkick off the top turnbuckle. Crummels coughs in his face so he can pull off a suplex. Huckabee blocks Crummels’ filthy hands from his face. Crawdad digs his pincers into Huckabee’s shoulders so Crummels can successfully pull off a sneeze. Huckabee uses their limbs to hurt one another. Jr. cleans house with clothesline until Lobster jams his neck on the middle rope. He punches Jr. into a back suplex from Crawdad. Jr. finds himself in trouble in the Rudos corner, until he stacks up the crustaceans in the corner and clotheslines Crummels and Defarge simultaneously. Darling makes the tag and spears all four of her opponents. As she’s celebrating, Defarge nails her with a running uppercut. Hijo starts a headlock chain with all participants except Darling, who spears Crummels and causes the entire chain to fall. She pins everybody and gets tossed off. Fast-paced offense from multiple competitors leads to Huckabee pinning Lobster with a butterfly suplex, which is broken up by Crummels. Huckabee and Darling fight out of tandem crustacean powerbombs into stereo huracanranas, but do not get successful pins. They get rid of Darling and Crawdad powerbombs Huckabee into a German suplex from Lobster. Darling is trapped in the corner by Crawdad and Crummels. Lobster is messing with her from the top turnbuckle. Los Ice Creams double superplex Lobster into a Superfly Splash from Huckabee but Crummels and Crawdad make the save just in time. Jr. finds himself the lone Tecnico in the ring. He falls victim to Crummels and Defarge’s super monkey flip for the pin at 27:50. As a fan of Atomicos matches I enjoyed this, even if it was long. Everybody got to showcase their character and it helped further Crummels and Defarge’s legitimacy by having them pin one of the longest reigning teams in the company. Mileage may vary on your particular level of enjoyment, but I had a good time watching this. ***¼

Sidney Bakabella says Max Smashmaster has already been approved by Jim Barnett to be the new world champion, offering Mantis to lay down for him instead of having to take a beating. Smashmaster says if he doesn’t lay down, he’s going to drop Mantis on his head as many times as he can without being disqualified. All of his dreams will come true when he becomes the new Grand Champion of CHIKARA.

Grand Championship
UltraMantis Black vs. Max Smashmaster

UltraMantis Black has been champion since “Whatever Happened, Happened” and this is his second defense. Sidney Bakabella is in Smashmaster’s corner. He tries bribing referee Bryce Remsburg with a single dollar. Smashmaster mauls Mantis in the corner before the bell. Mantis blinds Smashmaster with his cloak so he can dropkick Smashmaster to the floor and follow with a suicide dive. Mantis Mongolian Chops Smashmaster and sends him face first into the canvas. Bakabella grabs Mantis’ legs, allowing time for Smashmaster to recover. Smashmaster catches Mantis’ rolling somersault attempt and drops Mantis back first onto the ring apron! He slams Mantis on the edge of the ring once again and sends him face first into the ring post. In the ring, Smashmaster tosses Mantis into a standing splash for two. Bakabella punches Mantis behind Bryce’s back from the floor. Smashmaster pummels Mantis on the shoulders and back before tossing him outside for Bakabella to stomp on him. The camera misses a presumed groin shot to Smashmaster. Mantis tries a sunset flip from the apron, but Smashmaster counters with a splash. Mantis cradles Smashmaster for a two count. Smashmaster mows him down with a clothesline after kicking out and gets his own nearfall. Mantis unleashes a flurry of chops before being caught with a boot by Smashmaster. Mantis is able to stop a corner attack with his own boot. He strings a pair of neck strikes and low clothesline together for two. Mantis low bridges the top rope to send Smashmaster to the apron. He wears down Smashmaster with chops and kicks him back first into the ring post. Mantis can’t knock Smashmaster down with a somersault senton from the apron, so he comes off the top turnbuckle with one and it does the trick. Both make it into the ring before the twenty count, with Bakabella assisting Smashmaster. Although Smashmaster swings out of the Praying Mantis Bomb, Mantis is able to swing Smashmaster into a full-nelson slam for two. Mantis manuevers Smashmaster to the top turnbuckle. Smashmaster knocks Mantis to the mat. Smashmaster misses a Swanton Bomb! Mantis again places Smashmaster on the top turnbuckle. He brings down Smashmaster with a butterfly superplex for two. When Mantis goes for the Praying Mantis Bomb, Bakabella hops on the apron. Smashmaster is able to reverse the move into a Beach Break. Smashmaster splashes Bryce into the corner! Bakabella passes Smashmaster his own mask. Mantis ducks the mask shot and schoolboys Smashmaster, but there’s no referee to count. Smashmaster recovers and lands a tombstone piledriver. Smashmaster hurt his knee on the landing, the same one he hurt in the Challenge of the Immortals finals that kept him out of action for a long while. Mantis gets on a half crab. Bakabella jumps in and cracks Mantis in the back of the head with a roll of quarters! Bryce counts slowly while still recovering, and Mantis is able to get his shoulder up just in time. Smashmaster looks as if he’s going to strike Bryce again, but Bryce catches him in the act. Mantis rolls up Smashmaster for two. He then drops Smashmaster with Cosmic Doom for the pin at 16:37. Smashmaster did what he promised in dropping Mantis on his head as many times as he could. When things looked desperate, Bakabella and him executed their illegal back-up plan and it backfired and led to his demise. You don’t want to have championship matches like this all the time, but for these two characters in this environment I think it worked out very well. ***½

Encore Match
Jasper Tippins {DP} & Donald Kluger {DP} vs. Sylverhawk {X2K} & Razerhawk {X2K}

As Dez Peloton are posing, Razerhawk interrupts with a headscissors to Tippins. He and Sylverhawk dropkick Kluger to the floor. Sylverhawk backdrops Razerhawk onto both Tippins and Kluger over the top rope and to the floor. Sylverhawk pins Tippins for two. Kluger schoolyard trips Sylverhawk. Tippins bicycle kicks him onto Kluger’s shoulders and lands a seated splash on the knees for two. Razerhawk stops their Broken Arrow attempt, only to be tossed onto Sylverhawk. Sylverhawk retreats to the floor. Kluger tosses Razerhawk into a gutbuster from Tippins for two. Razerhawk armdrags Kluger to the floor. Sylverhawk knocks down Tippins with forearm strikes and an armdrag. He lands a second rope crossbody for two. Kluger yanks Sylverhawk off the top rope. Tippins pops Razerhawk into a wheelbarrow suplex from Kluger. Tippins then hits Climb the Summit on Razerhawk for the pin and their third point at 3:23. At times this was really sloppy, but the ending offense from Dez Peloton was pretty sweet. *


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