Kennebunk, ME – 3.4.2017

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: UltraMantis Black
Campeones de Parejas: Sonny Defarge & Cornelius Crummels
Young Lions Cup Champion: Space Monkey

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush.

Dez Peloton rode 121 miles from Cape Cod to Kennebunk, ME. Jasper Tippins remembers when they defeated Los Ice Creams at “Orientation.” Today will not be a cheat meal, but rather they will burn those empty calories.

Jasper Tippins {DP} & Donald Kluger {DP} vs. El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC}

Los Ice Creams fail to attack Dez Peloton before the bell and get taken out with clotheslines instead. Jr. takes a Broken Arrow. With helmets still on, Dez Peloton deliver tandem headbutts to Hijo. Kluger overhand chops Jr., then a young fan does the same. Hijo comes from behind and holds onto Tippins. Jr. accidentally chops Hijo. Los Ice Creams get into a fight and chop one another repeatedly. While they’re quarreling, Dez Peloton form a line of young CHIKARMY members to chop Los Ice Creams, who have worn each other out from the chops. Dez Peloton hold onto Los Ice Creams as the chops are unloaded. Back inside, Tippins bicycle kicks Hijo onto Kluger’s knees and sits down on his chest. Jr. takes a double hip toss and rolls outside. Dez Peloton follow and bust out their secret weapon: a hair dryer. They pull him over to an outlet and Tippins begins to “melt” Jr. He gets a young fan to hold the blow dryer and torture Jr. while they go back into the ring with Hijo. Hijo double clotheslines them back out and lands a pescado! Because of their helmets, Hijo sending them head first into the merch table does nothing. Dez Peloton pulls Hijo across the merch tables, knocking him back down to the floor. Hijo blinds Tippins with the table skirt and brings Kluger back into the ring after a shot to the chin. Hijo ramming Kluger into the corners has no effect due to the helmet, neither does a piledriver. Tippins makes his way back into the ring, even with the ring skirt blinding him. Hijo shoves him into Kluger and hits a double Cold Stone Stunner. While Dez Peloton is down, Hijo runs over to Jr. and unplugs the hair dryer. Kluger whips Hijo through an open door, sending Hijo down along hallway away from the ring. Jr. comes into possession of Kluger’s helmet and puts it on like a face mask. He charges after Kluger into the ring, headbutting Kluger as Kluger attempts a leapfrog. Jr. takes off the helmet as Tippins now takes off the ring skirt. Tippins delivers a uranage. He Climbs the Summit as Hijo runs back in and moves Jr. out of the way. However, Tippins falls off the top into a crossbody onto Hijo for the pin at 11:23. Total silliness is all I wanted from these two teams, and they certainly delivered. Getting the audience engaged right at the get-go is always wise, and although the comedy didn’t always land, this was a fun watch. **¼

Cajun Crawdad says Mr. Touchdown is the best competitor he has met in his young lifetime. Crawdad is on a one win streak, and he’s going to make it a two win streak tonight.

Mark Angelosetti {T} vs. Cajun Crawdad

Referee Troy Nelson has to cut the tape off of Crawdad’s pincers before the bell. He digs his pincers into Angelosetti’s hands to break a waistlock, then brings Angelosetti down in a side headlock. Angelosetti reverses into a headscissors which Crawdad escapes from. Crawdad crab walks around Angelosetti, using his legs to pull Angelosetti into a gator roll. Angelosetti pick up Crawdad, hoping for a slingshot suplex, but Crawdad instead O’Connor rolls him for two. Angelosetti slingshots in with a sunset flip. Crawdad goes back to a crab walk stance and kicks Angelosetti in the face. Angelosetti is able to chop Crawdad on the apron. Crawdad yanks Angelosetti’s legs to block a moonsault attempt, posting Angelosetti on the top. Crawdad pulls him off onto the shoulders. Angelosetti uses his elbow to escape. He drives Crawdad multiple times into the corner. Crawdad stops a charge with a nerve pinch and a running boot to the side of the head. Crawdad goes back to the gator roll. Angelosetti fights out of a suplex attempt. Crawdad blocks a dropkick and jackknife pins Angelosetti. Angelosetti escapes and goes for a backslide. Crawdad spins out and tries a clothesline. Angelosetti ducks and clotheslines Crawdad to the floor. He dropkicks Crawdad before landing a Bermuda triangle moonsault. Angelosetti repeatedly stomps Crawdad back in the ring. After a flying clothesline he snapmares Crawdad into a cradle for two. Crawdad slips out of a suplex. He charges, but Angelosetti drives him down with a running spinebuster for two. He shoulder tackles Crawdad in the corner before bringing him to the top turnbuckle. Crawdad headbutts him away, then drops Angelosetti with a claw STO for two. He wants a claw chokeslam. Angelosetti catches the hand, so Crawdad knees him in the stomach and crab walks over to Angelosetti for a chest kick. He gator rolls Angelosetti before attempting a vertical suplex. They end up fighting for the suplex and end up on the apron. They climb up to second rope where Angelosetti superplexes Crawdad back into the ring for the pin at 9:34. It was surprising but smart to see Crawdad in control for so much of the contest. Him adding the crab walk not only makes sense for his character, but adds a whole new dynamic to his offense. This is unquestionably the best he’s looked to date and Angelosetti did a good job in helping to bring out the best in him during their exchanges. **¾

Oleg the Usurper has been salivating at the thought of standing in the ring with Wani again. Last time they fought, Wani pinned him, but the Gods this time around say he will be the victor. He also warns Kobald to stay out of his way.

Oleg the Usurper vs. Wani

This is a rematch from “Like Phantoms, Forever.” Oleg pummels Wani in the corner to start. Wani fights back, but Oleg halts him with a spinning backbreaker. Oleg misses a somersault senton. Wani low bridges the top rope to send Oleg outside, then follows with a double axe handle off the apron. They fight around the entrance area. Oleg lands a somersault senton off the apron onto a standing Wani! Wani baits Oleg into a superkick when they’re back into the ring. He jams up Oleg’s arm across the top rope. Wani outmaneuvers Oleg to catch him off guard, then drives Oleg’s arms into his knees like a Code Breaker. He drives his knees into Oleg’s arms on the mat. A low flying clothesline gets Wani close to a two count. Wani fights to get Oleg on his shoulders, dropping him with a Finlay Roll when he’s successfully able to do so. He follows up with a senton for two. Wani slips out when Oleg whips him to the ropes, but when he enters the ring, Oleg takes him out with a running crossbody. They trade slaps to the face as they get back to their feet. Oleg splashes Wani against the ropes. He picks up speed hitting the ropes repeatedly before splashing Wani in the corner thrice. Oleg shakes out his arm before chokeslamming Wani. He crawls over to Wani for a pin, only for Wani to grab a kimura lock! Oleg is able to grab the bottom rope to escape. Wani sends Oleg shoulder first into the ring post before jumping into a guillotine position. Oleg swings Wani’s arm up over his neck and suplexes him. Kobald makes his way to ringside, distracting Oleg. Oleg avoids a charge from Wani and cracks him with a Usurper Kick. He calls for Off With His Head, but Kobald pushes Wani out of the way and tries to get Oleg to strike him instead! While Oleg and Kobald are interacting, Wani sneaks in with a kendo stick and hits Oleg with it. Referee Troy Nelson calls for the DQ at 11:59. I didn’t care for their first match, but this was a marked improvement. The story of Wani using his speed to outmaneuver Oleg and wear down his arm to neutralize Off With His Head was smart, well executed, and engaging, especially after Oleg’s hot start. Then the ending happened. At this point, I just want the Kobald storyline to end so it will stop plaguing Oleg’s matches. It also makes no sense that Wani would attack Oleg with the kendo stick and get DQ’d. He was doing just fine without it before hand, why take the risk? I was impressed with the match up until that point. ***

Chuck Taylor™ tells DUSTIN they just need one more point to challenge for the tag titles, which DUSTIN has to pronounce the Spanish term for him. DUSTIN asks why Taylor™ has shoes around his neck. Taylor™ says they’re DUSTIN’s, because they’re Chuck Taylor’s. Taylor™ admits he pulled them off a telephone wire. DUSTIN isn’t happy because the shoes aren’t in the best shape, but Taylor™ is too busy thinking about challenging for the Campeones de Parejas.

Solo Darling & Travis Huckabee vs. DUSTIN & Chuck Taylor™

Taylor™ sings “Candy Rain” by Soul For Real to Darling before the bell. Huckabee takes Taylor™ down in a waistlock and goes for the arm. Taylor™ scrambles to the bottom rope to force distance. Huckabee easily escapes Taylor™’s headlock. Taylor™ doesn’t seem to notice, making it easy for Huckabee to put on his own headlock. He kicks Taylor™ away out of a wristlock. DUSTIN is tagged in. He shoulder blocks Huckabee after Huckabee attempts a headlock. DUSTIN grabs an abdominal stretch after some Lucha rolls. Huckabee hip tosses his way out of it and twists up DUSTIN’s wrist. He gets the ropes and asks for Darling. Darling kicks DUSTIN in the head to escape his wristlock. Huckabee and Darling each attack DUSTIN in the corner. Huckabee sends him into a clothesline from Darling. Taylor™ serenades Darling from the apron, distracting her long enough for DUSTIN to scoop her up into a backbreaker. Darling is short enough to easily duck DUSTIN’s clotheslines and spike him with a tornado DDT. Taylor™ sings to Darling, backing her into a corner. Darling slips out between his legs, but DUSTIN yanks Huckabee off the apron and throws him into a trash can. Darling backslides the singing Taylor™ for two. Taylor™ puts down the microphone and gets in Darling’s face. She nails him with a barrage of strikes. She lands a sole butt kick. Taylor™ throws her down into the apron. Darling backdrops Taylor™ to escape his forthcoming offense. Taylor™ catches her double knee attack, but she takes Taylor™ down with a tornado snap suplex. Huckabee tags in. He assists Darling with a back elbow and corner hip attack. Huckabee puts Taylor™ in a Camel Clutch. DUSTIN saves his partner with a kick. He cracks Huckabee with the Brodie Knee before doing the deal with a Falcon Arrow for two. Huckabee evades a moonsault and takes DUSTIN over with a butterfly suplex for two. DUSTIN superkicks Huckabee to the floor and nails a second from the apron. Darling blocks Taylor™’s Soul Food attempt. DUSTIN holds onto Darling’s foot as she hits the ropes. This allows Taylor™ to schoolboy Darling for the pin at 9:27. Taylor™ then points to a homemade WrestleMania Weekend sign signaling for when he and DUSTIN are cashing in their Campeones de Parejas opportunity. This was also a lot of fun. You can see that even though DUSTIN is contractually obligated to be with Taylor™, he’s figured out how to work with him and make the team a success, so it makes sense that they would defeat a team that’s still figuring things out. Huckabee and Darling are a team I didn’t expect to see, but gel very organically. ***

Ophidian vs. Jeremy Leary

Leary wears Lucas Calhoun’s jumpsuit to the ring. At this point, the episodes of Season 17 where he robs Calhoun’s identity have yet to be released. Leary baits Ophidian into a series of right jabs and a facebreaker. Ophidian bandera’s to the apron. He leaps over Leary when coming back in and takes him down with a quebrada press. Leary again jabs Ophidian before ramming him face first into the top turnbuckle. Ophidian nails Leary with a roundhouse kick and headstands into a twisting splash for two. He nails a corkscrew enzuigiri. Leary rolls to the floor to avoid double knees. Leary brings in Ophidian from the apron with a German suplex. Leary gets two with a knee trembler. He delivers more shots to Ophidian’s head while keeping him grounded. Ophidian throws a barrage of forearms to the chest, but one hard shot from Leary keeps him in control. He snapmares Ophidian into a basement clothesline for just slightly above a one count. Ophidian is able to hit the Duat Driver, leading to double knees in the corner. He headstands again, but this time Leary brings him down with a Death Valley Driver for two. Leary pounds on Ophidian’s neck in the corner. Ophidian jabs him in the throat. Leary chops his neck. Ophidian flips out of another Death Valley Driver attempt and goes for the Death Grip! Leary rams him into the turnbuckle to break his grip. Leary tries another German suplex. Ophidian lands on his knees this time and sends Leary outside with a flying short arm scissors. Ophidian bicycle kicks Leary off the apron and walks up the ropes before diving onto Leary with a somersault senton. Ophidian comes off the top with double knees insider the ring for two. A top rope moonsault has the same result. Ophidian uses the ropes for another Duat Driver. Leary blocks and uses the ropes for a slingshot belly-to-back suplex. Ophidian kicks out. He peppers Leary with shots. Leary takes him down, boots him in the side of the head, then pops Ophidian up into a Detonation Kick. Again, Ophidian kicks out. Ophidian nails Leary with a hard roundhouse kick and corkscrew enzuigiri. He strings together two double knee strikes in the corner. Meteora gets Ophidian the win at 12:03. Leary has not done much for me in general, but wrestled well here, showing a focused attack and some personality along the way. Like the Crawdad/Touchdown match, it was a case where the veteran competitor had to fight hard to best the relative rookie and both men came out stronger from it. **¾

Ophidian tells Leary that he earned his respect. He offers a handshake, but Leary instead nails him with a clothesline! Leary gets in some more shots in the corner. The officials get some distance between them. Leary goes to strike some more, but Ophidian hypnotizes Leary. Ophidian calls Leary a sore loser, then decides to embarrass him by making him dance. Ophidian ends the hypnosis, sending Leary over the top rope and to the floor. Ophidian says the moral of the story is not to be a sore loser. Frustrated and flummoxed, Leary exits.

Campeonatos de Parejas
Sonny Defarge & Cornelius Crummels vs. Officer Warren Barksdale & Officer Bruno Meloni

Defarge & Crummels have been champions since “The Shape of Things to Come” and this is their first defense. Officer Magnum accompanies The Force to the ring, but heads backstage before introductions. Defarge rubs his dirty palm into Barksdale’s hand to end their opening exchange. Meloni doesn’t want to lock up with the sneezing Crummels. Barksdale finds an extra pair of gloves on him for Meloni to wear. In a test of strength, Crummels sneezes in Meloni’s face. Meloni chops Crummels multiple times in the corner before bodyslamming him for two. Barksdale tags in and grabs his arm, but Crummels rubs his forearm into his face to escape. Barksdale puts the incoming Defarge into a half crab. Defarge kicks Meloni to the corner. Meloni escapes and tags in Barksdale. They use a battering ram to take down Defarge, then Barksdale uses Meloni to boot out Crummels before leg dropping him onto Defarge. Barksdale belly to back suplexes Defarge. He cartwheels around Defarge before dropkicking him for two. The Force land a double Samoan drop for two. Meloni finds himself onto Crummels’ shoulders outside the ring. Defarge suplexes Meloni from the bottom rope off of Crummels’ shoulders and back into the ring! This allows Crummels and Defarge to isolate Meloni in their half of the ring. After Oliver Twist, Defarge goes for a suplex. Meloni small packages Defarge. Barksdale sees Crummels about to jump in and jumps in himself. Unfortunately, Bryce finds himself tied up with Barksdale, allowing Crummels to reverse Meloni’s cradle. Crummels then takes out Barksdale, leaving Bryce free to count Meloni’s shoulders down and reward the first fall to Crummels and Defarge at 10:51. Crummels and Defarge attack as The Force are telling Bryce about the injustice. Meloni finds himself trapped in Crummels and Defarge’s corner. Once again he gets Defarge in a small package. This time Bryce catches Crummels after Crummels reverses the cradle. Barksdale has time to reverse it back, and Defarge’s shoulders are counted, giving the Force the second fall and tying the match up at 13:30. Crummels and Defarge attack again, but this time the Force have the double clothesline scouted. They send Crummels and Defarge into one another and spike Defarge with a double spinebuster. Barksdale hits a Superfly splash on Defarge for two. Crummels saves Defarge from a double atomic drop. Meloni pitches Defarge to the floor. The Force gives Crummels a double Samoan Drop, but Defarge is able to drag Meloni out and throw him into the ring post. Barksdale pummels on Defarge’s back until Defarge shoves him back first into the ring post. He’s rolled back inside where Crummels pins him for two. As Meloni recovers in the corner, Barksdale is worn down in the Campeones’ corner. Barksdale is able to flapjack Crummels and Defarge at the same time. He crawls slowly towards Meloni, kicking both Crummels and Defarge on multiple occasions before making the tag. He Judo throws both of his opponents, then clotheslines them both in opposite corners. Back elbows and double knees follow. He swings Crummels leg first into Defarge before dropping Crummels with Case Closed. Defarge breaks the pin. Defarge stops Meloni’s tornado DDT and sends Meloni to the apron. Meloni kicks Crummels away who is on the floor. Defarge however is able to muscle Meloni in from the apron. They roll around in a small package but neither man gets a pin. The Force grab a double small package to no avail. Barksdale’s small package on Crummels also does not work. A series of shots leaves all four competitors laying. Defarge falls victim to Law & Order. Crummels shoves Meloni onto Barksdale’s pin to break it up. The Force call for a Doomsday Bulldog. Crummels shoves Meloni into the corner to crotch Barksdale. Crummels curb stomps Meloni as Defarge places Barksdale on the top turnbuckle. The super tandem monkey flip leads into Great Expectations, giving Crummels the pin and his team the win at 22:53. Even though both teams looked pretty good here, there was no need for the match to go as long as it did. They told the story they needed too and all the elongated time did was cause for a lot of repetition in the action. This was a moment where you could argue that The Force would have cause to use the handcuffs, but they did not. This was a solid enough first title defense for Crummels and Defarge but a few minor tweaks would have made it even better. ***

Encore Match
Lucas Calhoun vs. Hermit Crab

Calhoun has a buzzed haircut and a new jumpsuit, the first time this crowd is seeing it. Calhoun immediately Jon Woo dropkicks Crab at the bell. He follows Crab to the floor with a somersault senton off the top turnbuckle! Crab knocks him down with a flurry of forearms, then lands a Bermuda Triangle moonsault! Crab climbs back to the middle turnbuckle. Calhoun shoves him back into the ring. Crab ducks a roundhouse kick and digs his pincers into Calhoun’s shoulders. Calhoun tries a karate chop. Crab blocks and chokeslams Calhoun for two. Crab hits a Naniwa elbow. He goes for a Boston Crab. Calhoun kicks Crab to the ropes, catching him on the rebound with a Samoan Drop for the pin at 2:05. That was a banger from bell to bell. *½


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