Cruise Control


Haverhill, MA – 10.8.2016

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Hallowicked
Campeones de Parejas: Moustache Mountain (Trent Seven & Tyler Bate)
Young Lions Cup Champion: ThunderFrog

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg and Joey Styles.

Silver Ant {C} vs. Icarus

Silver Ant side steps Icarus’ attack before the bell, allowing Silver Ant to light him up with multiple chops. Icarus goes to the apron to avoid a corner attack and jams Silver Ant’s injured arm over his shoulder and the top rope. Silver Ant sneaks in a chop, and Icarus angrily kicks him to the mat. He applies a top wristlock. Silver Ant escapes and slams Icarus into a legdrop for two. He rolls Icarus into a standing hammerlock, locking Icarus’ arm around his leg so when Silver Ant leans back it adds pressure. Icarus gives Silver Ant a chinbreaker while also causing Silver Ant’s neck to snap on the top rope. Silver Ant rolls under a clothesline and enzuigiri’s Icarus from the apron for two. Icarus takes him down with a lungblower and a corner basement dropkick. Icarus puts on a top wristlock and throws him down by the mask when he begins to escape. He drives his body weight across Silver Ant’s throat on the second rope. Icarus comes off the top with a knee to the chest. Silver Ant escapes the Blu-Ray but Icarus drives his shoulder into Silver Ant’s mid-section repeatedly. Silver Ant catches him in the opposite corner with a tiger feint kick. He follows up with a top rope dropkick and fisherman’s buster for two. He misses the Mad Splash but rolls through. Icarus catches him with a back elbow, leading to the Shiranui for two. Silver Ant escapes the Wings of Icarus and turns Icarus inside out with a lariat for two. He looks for the CHIKARA Special. Icarus counters with a schoolboy, holding the tights for two. Icarus kicks Silver Ant in the arm before delivering the Blu-Ray for the pin at 9:43. Despite Icarus doing a good job in working over the arm, it didn’t amount to much in the end. Even so, it was a very good back and forth match, as you’d expect with these two. I’m worried Silver Ant is getting lost in the shuffle when really he should be Grand Championship material. **¾

Flex Rumblecrunch {DC} vs. Billy Bodyslam

Bodyslam does an admirable job jumping on Rumblecrunch’s upper body, but is thrown off twice. Rumblecrunch spikes him with a spinebuster and drills him with a clothesline. A big powerbomb gets Rumblecrunch the pin at 1:13. Squash city.

Sidney Bakabella comes out, now without a hair piece or sunglasses and in less flashy attire. He asks for a few seconds to explain himself to Flex Rumblecrunch, presumably as to why he and Max kicked Blaster McMassive out of the Devastation Corporation. We’ll never know, because just then Max Smashmaster appeared on the apron. Flex has him scouted and pulls Max into the ring! Bakabella hits Flex from behind with the mask Smashmaster wore to the ring. Max spikes him with a jumping tombstone piledriver. With that, like Blaster McMassive, Flex Rumblecrunch too is out of CHIKARA.

The Closers (Rick Roland & Sloan Caprice) are in the back. Caprice says ice cream is not in the diet of the Closers. Rick Roland says he’s sick of Los Ice Creams giving him grief on social media. Tonight, they make an exception, and they will devour the ice creams as a cheat meal…for the boss.

El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC} vs. Rick Roland & Sloan Caprice

Hijo decides to leave when he realizes going after the larger Roland is going to be a challenge. The Closers do push-ups while Los Ice Creams get their act together. Roland doesn’t budge from Jr.’s running crossbody attempts. A bodyslam and shoulder blocks also yield no results, so Jr. ditches the match. They try using a child with an Hijo mask to assist, but Hijo denies Caprice’s request to arm wrestle the child. Los Ice Creams try a double suplex but Roland shoves them away. Jr. fires up Hijo, only for Hijo to charge right into a bodyslam from Roland. Caprice misses a running elbow drop. Despite Hijo pulling off an armdrag, Caprice easily passes him off to Roland for a slam. Repeat the elbow drop, armdrag, slam combo again. Caprice scouts Hijo’s evasion the next time and instead picks him up for a bodyslam instead of attempting an elbow drop. Hijo pinches Caprice in the buttocks, which only angers Caprice. Roland distracts referee Troy Nelson so Caprice can clobber Hijo with a foreign object. The Closers tease a double suplex, which on this night is the magic move, then decide against it. They bully Hijo in their corner until he gets his foot up to block a second rope attack from Roland. Despite Roland falling onto him with an elbow drop, he rolls to Jr. for a tag! Jr. dropkicks Caprice multiple times before taking him down with a headscissors. Hijo is too exhausted for a double suplex, so Roland comes in and attacks Jr. from behind. They hit the Deal Breaker on Jr. but Hijo kicks Caprice in the face to break the pin. Roland picks up the foreign object from earlier. The principal of the school enters the ring to alert the referee and admonish the Closers. Jr. knocks Roland to the floor as Hijo hits Caprice with the Cold Stone Stunner. A double suplex from Los Ice Creams gets them the pin at 17:16. Los Ice Creams will have a match like this every so often that’s more for the live crowd than those watching at home. This type of match is better with a team like 3.0 who can match their charisma and goofiness, but by and large this was inoffensive. If nothing else we got to see a little personality out of the Closers. *½

Juan Francisco de Coronado says his opponent, Donald Kluger, is all about fun and games while he is all about business. He doesn’t need his lackeys anymore. His focus is on the Grand Championship. He wants to know how Kluger will fair against Coronado with one “bad wheel.”

Donald Kluger {DP} vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado

After Kluger and the referee have some fun with his bike bell, Coronado stomps on it and hits Kluger with a forearm strike. Kluger goes up and over in the corner. He dropkicks Coronado before giving him a pair of monkey flips. He calls for a third. Coronado escapes, but Kluger pedals his feet before kicking Coronado away twice. Coronado grabs his feet and sends Kluger outside, but Kluger lands on his feet. Coronado tries to sneak attack Kluger and ends up running face first into a ring post. Kluger “passes on the right”, knocking Coronado down with a running boot to the stomach. Kluger loses his helmet as he ascends the ropes. Coronado trips Kluger, causing him to crash to the mat. He hands Kluger in a tree of woe and stomps at his thighs. He slams Kluger leg first into the ropes. Coronado drives his knee into Kluger’s hamstrings before hitting a kneeDT for two. Coronado puts on a figure four leg lock. Kluger turns over, forcing Coronado to grab the ropes. Kluger throws some palm strikes to Coronado’s chest before spinning him into a slam. Coronado avoids a punt and chop blocks Kluger’s legs out. He puts on the Coronado Clutch and Kluger taps out at 5:44. Despite this being short, Kluger’s charisma gave a lot of energy to this match and you really felt for him when Coronado made him tap out. They’ve been doing a great job re-establishing the Coronado Clutch as a killer submission too. **½

Missile Assault Man vs. Jigsaw

After some posturing, Missile gets in the first shots, rocking Jigsaw with a flurry of uppercuts. He ducks a kick from Jigsaw and takes him down with a rolling Death Valley Driver. A diving basement uppercut gets Missile a two count. Jigsaw pulls him into a chop. He grounds Missile with a snapmare and double stomps his chest. Jigsaw puts on a sleeper with a bodyscissors, but Missile crawls to the ropes to escape. Jigsaw chops Missile before dropkicking him out. Missile responds in kind. He follows Jigsaw to the floor. Jigsaw takes over outside, bringing Missile back into the ring with a chinlock. After some shots, Jigsaw tries a top rope double stomp. He misses, allowing Missile to come back with uppercuts and a Jon Woo dropkick for two. He also gets two with a brainbuster. Jigsaw pummels Missile’s neck before hitting his own brainbuster for two. Missile shoulders Jigsaw in the corner. He ends up driving his shoulder into the ring post. Jigsaw superkicks Missile down into a slump before hitting a coast-to-coast dropkick. Missile kicks out. After recovering, both men knock each other down with stereo pump kicks. A kick and strike exchange sees Missile take Jigsaw down with repeated uppercuts. Jigsaw cuts off his charge with a chop. Missile tries a backslide to counter a second chop. Jigsaw turns it into a small package for the win at 11:48. This felt like a breakout performance for Missile, who got to control a good portion of the match, and came off as an equal to a Gen 1 original. Watching these two beat each other up was a lot of fun, and even if the finish seemed abrupt, the damage Jigsaw did to Missile’s neck and shoulder justifies it in my mind. ***¼

Amasis {OP} & Ophidian {OP} vs. Obariyon {B} & Kodama {B}

This is the first tag team match these two teams have had in six years. UltraMantis Black is in the Batiri’s corner. The Portal immediately take it to the Batiri with the action spilling out to the floor. The Batiri get the better of the Portal. Mantis chokes Amasis with his barefoot while Ophidian is brought back into the ring. Ophidian lands a crossbody onto Obariyon. The two roll back outside. Ophidian chops Obariyon onto Mantis’ lap. Kodama dropkicks Ophidian as they get back into the ring. Ophidian misses a pump kick but a side kick sends Kodama to the floor. Kodama evades his dive. Obariyon sucker punches Ophidian as Kodama creates a diversion. Kodama kicks the approaching Amasis away on the floor. Ophidian does an admirable job fighting both Batiri members, but succumbs to an apron DDT from Obariyon. Amasis comes in and finds himself isolated in the Batiri’s corner, with the Batiri doing a lot of damage to his leg. Amasis is able to hit an enzuigiri on Obariyon, but Kodama yanks Ophidian off of the apron to stop a tag. Obariyon takes that moment to knee strike Amasis in the back of the head for a nearfall. Amasis escapes the Seventh Circle with a headscissors to Obariyon that causes him to collide into Kodama. He spikes them with a double DDT and finally tags in Ophidian. Ophidian cleans house with pump kicks, spinwheel kicks, and corkscrew enzuigiri’s. Obariyon catches a pump kick and knee strikes Ophidian in the face. Obariyon sets up for the Rapture but Amasis knocks him off the top with a kick. Amasis forearms Kodama in the corner. Obariyon gives him a gut buster into a springback cutter from Kodama. Ophidian breaks the pin attempt. He wipes out the Batiri with a quebrada press. Amasis shotgun knee strikes Obariyon into double knees from Ophidian. Amasis Pele kicks Kodama before placing him up top. The Portal take him down with the Pyramid suplex. Obariyon breaks Amasis’ cover. Ophidian goes for Meteora, but Obariyon pulls referee Troy Nelson into the way! Ophidian superkicks Obariyon to the floor, then lands a corkscrew dive onto Obariyon and Kodama. Someone we can’t see pops up through the ring skirt and drags Amasis under the ring! Ophidian gets sent into the ring post by the Batiri in the meantime. Frightmare emerges from under the ring throwing kicks to Amasis’ back while dragging him by his mask! In the ring, Ophidian is able to hook both Batiri members in multiple pin attempts, but still no referee. Obariyon hits Ophidian with a knee strike and turns him inside out with a lariat. Ophidian takes the Seventh Circle. Kodama brings Troy Nelson over to make the cover, yet Ophidian is able to kick out! Amasis, with part of his mask ripped, crawls his way back to ringside. Kodama looks to waterwheel slam Ophidian into a knee from Obariyon. Amasis superkicks Obariyon, then kicks Kodama’s knee. Ophidian hits the Egyptian Destroyer on Kodama for the pin at 20:09!

This match established the one goal it needed to: make the Portal look like formidable opposition for Nazmaldun’s army. Up until this point, the Colony have been the focal point of the feud, but since the Network special they have slowly integrated the Portal (especially Amasis) into the fold. The Batiri needed to weaken Ophidan before he went for Hallowicked’s title, Amasis needed to be further weakened for Hallowicked to send his message of warning to all those who oppose them, and Frightmare was there to make sure all went according to plan. Even the wheelchair bound Mantis found a way to get involved and the Batiri took out the referee in a critical point of the match. Even with all of these advantages and the damage the Batiri inflicted, the Portal still got a decisive victory. This was about more than the Portal earning a point, but to show that even when the odds are stacked against them, they can prevail. This was orchestrated well and the crowd played into the roller coaster ride. These are two of the best teams on the roster and matches like this prove just that. ***¾

After the credits roll we the Osirian Portal standing by. Ophidian says he and Amasis have been a constant in CHIKARA, seeing groups like the Kings of Wrestling, the BDK, and the GEKIDO come through. The force of Nazmaldun is stronger than any force that has been in CHIKARA before. Amasis says Frightmare broke tradition by ripping his mask. Frightmare cast the first stone in the war, and he intends to finish it.


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