No One’s First, And You’re Next


Philadelphia, PA – 8.21.2016

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Hallowicked
Campeones de Parejas: Vacant
Young Lions Cup Champion: The Estonian Thunderfrog

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Dasher Hatfield, and Mike Quackenbush.

Missile Assault Man is sitting against the wall backstage. Soldier Ant approaches him and says “we need to talk.”

Ophidian {OP} vs. Hermit Crab

This is a rematch from the “Hour of Power” two weeks prior where Crab refused to let go of a Half Crab when Ophidian grabbed the ropes. Like last month, Crab shoves Ophidian. Ophidian responds with a bicycle kick, spinwheel kick, and corkscrew enzuigiri. He drives his knees into Crab’s chest, then again from a headstand position. He misses Meteora. Crab rolls him into the Flat Crab. Ophidian gets the ropes and this time Crab releases before the five count. Ophidian throws numerous palm thrusts to the chest and a spin kick to the head. Crab comes back with a backdrop putting pressure on Ophidian’s right leg. Crab drives his knee into Ophidian’s leg. He crab walks across the ring and kicks out Ophidian’s leg. Ophidian backslides Crab and tries a bridge, but gets trapped into a leg lock. Ophidian again gets the ropes. Ophidian kicks Crab to the ropes and tries a small package. Crab blocks and kicks Ophidian in his hurt knee. He tries a crab walk quebrada but misses. Ophidian hits Meteora. He goes for a pin but Crab puts him back in the Flat Crab! Ophidian gets the ropes for a third time. Crab looks for another submission, but Ophidian walks him back and locks him in an Oklahoma Roll for the pin at 5:27! This was a nice payoff to their Hour of Power match. Ophidian went harder and faster than he did in that match, showing more urgency with Crab, and Crab had a strategy in wearing down Ophidian’s leg and going for his pet submission move. It took Ophidian tying him up in a pinning combination to beat him. I said in that match Crab came out looking stronger, and I feel he looked even stronger coming out of this contest. **¼

DUSTIN vs. Zack Sabre, Jr.

DUSTIN is the former Howie Dewitt who is the former Slim Perkins who is the former Rich Mahogany who is the former Stewie Scrivens who is the former Karate Durling who is the former Trent Baretta who is the former Benny Figg who is the former Touch Phillips who is the former Bugg Nevans who is the former Rick Beanbag who is the former Scoot Tatum who is the former Chuck Taylor.

After kicking each others’ arms away in a double knuckle lock, Sabre grabs a cravate. DUSTIN grabs his leg to transition into a potential submission, but Sabre rolls up to his feet before he can. They trade wristlocks to a stalemate. DUSTIN shows up Sabre by keeping him in a courting hold. He tornado rolls Sabre into a toe hold. Sabre pulls DUSTIN down into a wristlock. DUSTIN turns it into a hammerlock. Sabre trips DUSTIN, tying up his legs and adding pressure to his legs and knees. DUSTIN grabs the ropes to stop Sabre. After some ducking and dodging, DUSTIN thinks he has the better of Sabre with a neckdrag, but Sabre is able to grab a wristlock again right after. He gets a quick pin attempt in a lateral press. DUSTIN tries taking him down in a front facelock but Sabre uses his neck strength to escape before it can be applied. DUSTIN takes him down with a toreador, but again Sabre holds onto the wrist. He tries a Gory Special, but Sabre grabs the wrist and stomps it into the mat twice. DUSTIN sends him to the apron after a kick to the stomach. Sabre hits an uppercut, but DUSTIN knocks him to the floor with an enzuigiri. He tries a pescado, but Sabre moves and puts on a Royal Octopus stretch. A word from the referee has Sabre break it. DUSTIN drops him face first on the apron. They trade shots in the corner. DUSTIN catches Sabre in the opposite corner with a German suplex for two. Sabre is able to get the Octopus hold back on. DUSTIN counters with one of his own, twisting up Sabre’s wrist. Sabre sits down on it for a two count. He delivers a penalty kick for two. Sabre nails two uppercuts in the corner. He goes for a third but DUSTIN cuts him off with the Brodie Knee. Sabre puts on a guillotine armbar. DUSTIN counters into a Falcon Arrow for two. Sabre rolls through a double underhook into a British cradle. DUSTIN catches Sabre’s uppercut with a backslide and pins him at 12:26! I loved that the story here was essentially that DUSTIN knew Sabre was a much better wrestler than he was, and that the outcome was never in doubt, and that he surprised Sabre AND himself in victory. You could tell these two were having so much fun and seeing them both back in a CHIKARA ring, for me, was a feel good moment. ***¼

Brendan O’Donnell interviews DUSTIN asking how he feels about the win. DUSTIN says a lot of people call Zack Sabre, Jr. the best wrestler in the world, so that would make him at least second best. Suddenly, Chuck Taylor™ interrupts with a song. He interacts with some fans before making his way over to DUSTIN. Taylor™ gives DUSTIN some backhanded compliments about the match. He says based on their contractual agreement, he owns all of DUSTIN’s old trademark moves and name. He mentions the fine print of the contract but doesn’t specifically says what that fine print entails. He shoos DUSTIN away, sings his new song “Love 40”, and bullies Brendan O’Donnell before heading out.

Campeonatos de Parejas; Double Elimination Match
Race Jaxon {NRG} & Hype Rockwell {NRG} vs. El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC} vs. Trent Seven & Tyler Bate vs. Blaster McMassive {DC} & Flex Rumblecrunch {DC}

For a team to be eliminated, both members have to be pinned or submitted. The last team standing will be declared the new Campeones de Parejas. Hijo pokes Jaxon in the eyes. Los Ice Creams work over his left arm in their corner. When Jaxon gets pinched in the buttocks, he overhand chops Jaxon. Hijo kicks him in the leg, but Jaxon recovers with a dropkick. Rockwell tags in and with Jaxon get in some offense on Hijo on the mat. Bate headbutts Rockwell in the stomach and baits him into a knee lift. He drives his foot into Rockwell’s face. Seven slams both members of N_R_G, and then Los Ice Creams on top of them. Seven and Bate slam each other onto the pile. They consider slamming referee Larry Peace, but the Devastation Corporation attack them from behind. N_R_G clothesline the Dev Corp to the floor. Jaxon looks to dive but is cut off by McMassive. Los Ice Creams pitch N_R_G outside. McMassive scares Hijo into Jr.’s arms, then dropkicks the both of them. McMassive teases a dive but instead throws Jaxon into the ring. They bully Jaxon in their corner until he kicks McMassive off the apron and suplexes Rumblecrunch. Seven comes in. Jaxon cuts him off with a kick. Seven blocks his tornado DDT with a suplex. He gives Jaxon a piledriver. Rockwell moves Bate out of the way, but Jaxon and Rockwell collide mid-ring because of this! Seven gives Jaxon another piledriver and pins him at 7:56, because Rockwell can’t make the save. Jaxon goes to superkick Seven, but Seven moves and Jaxon hits Rockwell! Los Ice Creams pitch Jaxon out and Oklahoma roll Rockwell, pinning him at 8:20 and eliminating N_R_G!

McMassive cracks Seven with a big boot. The Dev Corp hit a modified Death Blow but Bate is able to break the cover. Hijo throws Bate into McMassive. He hits Rumblecrunch with the Cold Stone Stunner and then El Asesino for two. Hijo gives Bate the Cold Stone Stunner. He hits Jr. with El Asesino by accident. Bate German suplexes Jr. Moustache Mountain try a double suplex. Jr. slips out and schoolboys Seven for two. Los Ice Creams try a number of pinning combinations, even on themselves once they’re caught up in things. McMassive swings Hijo into Seven. Seven sends McMassive to the apron. Hijo yakuza kicks Seven. Hijo shoves Rumblecrunch to the ropes, knocking McMassive to the floor. Rumblecrunch falls to El Asesino in 11:41! As Los Ice Creams celebrate, Bate crossbody’s and pins both of them at 11:59, but since it was Jr.’s shoulders to the mat, he is the one eliminated. McMassive interjects and sends Bate into the corner as Hijo counters Seven’s piledriver with a backdrop. McMassive hits Hijo with the Black Hole Slam at 12:26, eliminating Los Ice Creams. McMassive and Seven get in a forearm exchange. McMassive ends it with a brainbuster, but Seven gets right up! He German suplexes McMassive. He gives McMassive a running overhand chop and a piledriver. Bate pins McMassive with an Orange Crush Bomb for the pin, elimination of the Devastation Corporation, and the Campeones de Parejas at 13:57! You couldn’t have made the new champions look any stronger, as they pinned at least one member of every team that was eliminated. They got over their tandem finisher and ended the bout by pinning the most dominant team in the company. On top of that, they planted the seeds for an N_R_G split, planted the seeds for Blaster’s ejection next month, and made Los Ice Creams look competent. This was a well orchestrated match and a very fun one at that. ***½

The Big Deal, Sloan Caprice & Rick Roland vs. Juan Francisco de Coronado, The Proletariat Boar of Moldova {BP} & Prakash Sabar {BP}

This is a rematch from “Back in the Habit.” Tempers flare as the two teams shove one another before the bell. Boar and Roland trade shots to start. Boar hits a big boot against the ropes. He knocks Caprice off the apron. He gets distracted by the Big Deal, and Roland pulls Boar by his tail into a forearm to the back of the head. Caprice tags in. Boar takes him to the UN corner where Sabar unleashes with kicks to the ribs. Sabar uses the ropes for a bulldog. Sabar pulls the Big Deal in the ring by his hair. Boar goes to kick him, but Caprice gets in the way and takes the boot instead. Caprice takes a three person stomping in the UN corner. Caprice comes back with a powerslam to Sabar. With Sabar down, Deal tags in and smacks him repeatedly in the back of the head. He tags Caprice back in when Sabar tries to retaliate. He and Roland pummel Sabar and Deal gets in pin attempts and shots when it suits him. Sabar is able to sneak in an X-Factor on Deal and tag in the Boar. He drops Roland with a sidewalk slam and low bridges the top rope to send him outside. Caprice falls to a triple dropkick. Boar slingshots him in a double blockbuster from Coronado and Sabar for two. Caprice sends Coronado to the floor and kicks Boar and Sabar into a double clothesline from Roland. Roland and Caprice hit the Deal Breaker on Sabar and Boar. Deal sets up for the Tadpole Splash. Coronado cuts him off with a dropkick. He enzuigiri’s Roland and heel kicks Caprice. He takes too much basking in his own pride to notice Team Big Deal has recovered. Roland and Caprice hold Coronado so Deal can spear him to the corner. Roland and Caprice double Beele him out of the corner. Deal gives him a basement clothesline. Boar looks to Gore Deal. Caprice and Roland cut him off with double superkicks. Caprice DDT’s Boar out of a wheelbarrow from Roland. The Big Deal takes the pin at 11:55. This was odd to watch, because I kind of assumed Team Big Deal were Tecnicos after their debut, but they were so clearly the Rudos in this match. It did show that the UN have what it takes to be Tecnicos if that’s a direction CHIKARA is interested in taking. I think Team Big Deal is better off as Rudos anyways, but it was a bit jarring. Action wise, it was slightly better than their match from last month. **¾

Brendan O’Donnell wants a word with Coronado who is not pleased with Sabar or the Boar. O’Donnell asks how he is feeling after the loss. Coronado says he is the only Big Deal in CHIKARA and refuses to let lackey’s hold him down. He tells Sabar and Boar to shape up, because he’s planning to win King of Trios.

Eddie Kingston vs. Jakob Hammermeier {BDK}

Kingston attacks Hammermeier before the bell, taking him to the floor where he pummels him around the building. When they get to the ring, Hammermeier kicks the middle rope into Kingston’s groin and cracks him with the World Star Punch. He puts on his crown before pinning Kingston with one foot for two. Kingston attempts to fight back, but Hammermeier digs his fingers into Kingston’s eyes. He gets two with a back suplex. Kingston tries fighting back, but Hammermeier drives his face into his knee. Hammermeier drives his elbow repeatedly into the side of Kingston’s head. Kingston gets in a chop. Hammermeier brings him down with an arm capture stunner. Kingston ducks a World Star punch and dumps Hammermeier with a Saito suplex. Kingston pulls up the mats off the floor. They fight on the apron where Hammermeier gives Kingston a complete shot. In the ring Hammermeier hits Gute Nacht for two. Kingston musters the energy for an elevated DDT. Hammermeier kicks out. Kingston tries a uranage suplex. Hammermeier headbutts Kingston in the shoulder before hitting the Skullcrusher for two. Kingston blocks Hammermeier’s oncoming charge with the Backfist to the Future. Kingston unloads with another and doesn’t let referee Larry Peace check on him. After two Backfists and a flurry of slaps to Hammermeier, Larry Peace calls for the bell at 8:43, awarding the match to Kingston via Knockout. Kingston brings out a bag from the back with handcuffs and cuffs Hammermeier to the ropes. He tells Hammermeier that he asked for this kind of treatment and claims he is the only King in CHIKARA. Kingston pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts Hammermeier’s hair! He shaves the top of his head with a razor, making a skullet. He laughs at Hammermeier before giving him one last Backfist. Given how incensed Kingston had become, I’m glad this match was executed in this manner. Kingston got comeuppance for everything Hammermeier did to him, erased the one point Hammermeier cheaply earned by pinning him, and humiliated Hammermeier just like Hammermeier did to him in June. The bulk of the match was just them exchanging heavy shots, which was fine by me since it fit the narrative. A good way for this feud to be concluded. **¾

Hallowicked, Frightmare, Icarus, Mark Angelosetti, Obariyon {B}, Kodama {B} & Kobald {B} vs. Fire Ant {C}, Soldier Ant {C}, Worker Ant {C}, Amasis {OP}, Arctic Rescue Ant, Missile Assault Man & Pinkie Sanchez

Sanchez is wearing his old BDK Pink Ant mask (and of course, he was the former Carpenter Ant) while Amasis is in his Pharaoh Ant attire from King of Trios 2015. Missile wore his Missile Assault Ant mask to the ring but did not wrestle in it. The match starts with a seven on seven brawl around ringside. In the ring Soldier Ant hits a back elbow off the second rope on Icarus. Hallowicked forearm strikes Soldier Ant from the floor, then gives him shoulder blocks in the corner. Soldier Ant fights back and both men end up back on the floor with the rest of the chaos. Back in the ring, Arctic sunset flips Hallowicked for two. Hallowicked pops him up into Go 2 Sleepy Hollow for two. Fire Ant stands up to Hallowicked but is quickly attacked by Obariyon and Kodama. Fire Ant is able to take them over with a double Frankensteiner. He suplexes Kodama and whips Obariyon to the corner. He and Soldier Ant give Obariyon an atomic drop/dropkick combo. Fire Ant drops multiple senton splashes before Soldier Ant hits a falling headbutt. Kobald spears both Fire and Soldier Ant. Missile bicycle kicks Kobald. Kobald tosses Missile out after Missile gives him some uppercuts. Sanchez dragonscrew leg whips Kobald thrice. He strings a corner spinwheel kick and a running bulldog together. The Shiney Hiney sends Kobald to the floor. Angelosetti drills Sanchez with a spinebuster. He slingshots Amasis into a backbreaker. He then slingshots Worker Ant into the ring. Worker Ant takes Angelosetti down with an armdrag. Angelosetti tosses him to the apron. Worker Ant helps Amasis with a spin-out Complete Shot. Frightmare knocks Worker and Soldier Ant off the apron before pounding on Amasis’ back. He blasts Amasis with a pair of yakuza kicks and gets two with Kneecolepsy. Nazmaldun’s Army beats down Amasis until he slips out of the ring after a Death Valley Driver from Kobald. Missile takes Kobald out with a running uppercut. Icarus cuts Missile off with a spear. Worker Ant knocks him down with a rolling clothesline. Kodama spinwheel kicks Worker Ant to the floor. Soldier Ant gives Kodama a discus forearm, but Obariyon immediately flies in with the Rapture. Sanchez takes down Obariyon with Snake’s Revenge, only for Angelosetti to swoop in with the Flea Flicker into a lungblower. Angelosetti avoids Hot Soup but falls to a cascading Yoshi Tonic for a nearfall. He, Soldier Ant, and Worker Ant set up for Ants Marching. Kobald breaks it up. Angelosetti goes for the Colossal Bomb but Fire Ant counters mid-air with a DDT for two. Icarus goes for a chair shot from the stage, but Silver Ant with his arm in a sling stops him. Icarus knocks Silver Ant off the stage. Fire Ant yanks Icarus to the top turnbuckle. However, Icarus knocks him down. Icarus goes for a top rope dropkick, but Arctic jumps in front to take it! Fire Ant cracks Icarus with a Yahtzee Kick and gives him a brainbuster for two. The Ants jump in as the other Nazmaldun Army members try interfering and take them out. This leads to all seven Ants hitting a huge Ants Marching dropkick on Nazmaldun’s Army. We get dives from every Ant, ending with a tope con hilo from Fire Ant. UltraMantis Black holds Fire Ant’s leg as he tries to re-enter the ring. Hallowicked gives Fire Ant a super snapmare. He tries for Never Wake Up but Missile makes the save! Hallowicked yakuza kicks him. Missile uppercuts out of a Never Wake Up attempt, screaming “Missile Assault Ant!” Hallowicked slides out. Angelosetti comes in from behind and hits the Colossal Bomb on Missile for the pin at 16:08. This was action packed, intense, and emotional. It was awesome seeing all the different Ants interact with one another, let alone to see them in one place. This felt like a war and showed that with the right numbers, Nazmaldun’s Army is possible to be dealt with, while continuing to establish the Colossal Bomb as Angelosetti’s new be-all-end-all finisher. This was a good time. ***¼

Brendan O’Donnell interviews Hallowicked. He says that Nazmaldun has commanded him to enter into the King of Trios, captaining a team of his two most vicious and ferocious followers. Along with the Batiri, they represent Nazmaldun’s ever growing strength in the tournament. If all goes according to plan, every team in the 2017 Trios tournament will bear Nazmaldun’s mark.

Princess Kimberlee vs. Heidi Lovelace

The winner of this match will have three points and a shot at the Grand Championship. The two women charge at the bell with stereo running forearm strikes. Lovelace ends a chop exchange with an STO. Kimberlee reverses an Irish whip and kicks Lovelace in the side of the head. Lovelace fires up with forearms in the corner. They each hit a running forearm strike in opposite corners. Lovelace traps Kimberlee’s foot in the ropes and kicks at it. Lovelace works over the leg on the mat. Although Kimberlee is able to get some chops in, her leg crumples underneath her when she goes for the ropes. Lovelace pulls up on the back of Kimberlee’s leg to apply pressure. Although Kimberlee fights her off, Lovelace simply kicks her leg out to maintain the advantage. She drives Kimberlee’s knee into the mat repeatedly. Kimberlee utilizes one of Lovelace’s pet moves, using her legs to drive Lovelace face first into the middle turnbuckle. Lovelace throws some leg kicks. Kimberlee responds with kicks from her good leg, including a roundhouse kick. A couple of clotheslines take down Lovelace for a two count. After a palm strike, Lovelace tries a back handspring maneuver. Kimberlee catches her on the rebound with a German suplex for two. Kimberlee drops her with a tombstone for two. Kimberlee carefully gets to the second rope. Lovelace palm strikes Kimberlee again to halt her. She sets up for the super Frankensteiner, but Kimberlee counters with a super powerbomb! When Lovelace kicks out, Kimberlee locks on the Coronation, a modified bow and arrow stretch which she used to defeat Lovelace in March. Lovelace manages to grab the ropes to escape. She dumps Kimberlee on her head with five Saito suplexes. Kimberlee fires up. Lovelace gives her a knee strike, a superkick, a standing enzuigiri, and the Heidi-Can-Rana for two! Lovelace comes off the top with a senton splash. Kimberlee kicks out, but Lovelace locks on the CHIKARA Special. Kimberlee taps at 11:32! I think the story in this match was stronger than their match from March, mostly because they left the “friendship” stuff aside and just beat each other up. That said, Heidi aping Kimberlee’s move was a nice touch. You could feel how important it was for each of them to win, with Kimberlee wanting to get her title back, and Heidi wanting to validate herself and get another shot at the gold. The story with Kimberlee’s leg was executed well, as was the call back to the finish of their prior match. Part of me questioned this being the main event, with a big title match and the Nazmaldun’s Army vs. Ants story, but this fit the main event billing just fine. ***½

Encore Match
Lucas Calhoun vs. Wani

Calhoun mimics some of his karate moves. Wani does the same. Calhoun eventually stomps on Wani’s foot. Wani responds with a boot to the face. He knocks down Calhoun again with a running back elbow. Calhoun’s karate offense is cut off with a knee to the stomach. Calhoun catches Wani with a kick and jumping knee, but Wani ducks the enzuigiri. Calhoun avoids a running shoulder block, sending Wani shoulder first into the corner. Calhoun Judo throws Wani by his shoulder down into a single footed pin for the victory at 3:40. The karate stuff was cute, and it looks as if they’re finally nailing down Calhoun as a Tecnico. After a fairly heavy show, a light-hearted encore was the way to go. *


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