The Distant Future

TheDistantFuture

Philadelphia, PA – 5.7.2016

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Princess Kimberlee
Campeones de Parejas: N_R_G (Race Jaxon & Hype Rockwell)
Young Lions Cup Champion: The Estonian Thunderfrog

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush, Dasher Hatfield and Dr. Rod Diamondfire.

Ashley Vox & Delmi Exo vs. Orange Cassidy {GC} & The Swamp Monster {GC}

Before the bell, Cassidy says he doesn’t want any chops thrown at him this match, threatening to spit his orange juice in his opponents faces if they do. Cassidy is lethargic dead weight for Vox. She goes for a pin, but Cassidy finds the energy to get his shoulder up. Exo twists up Cassidy’s wrist, leading to a side headlock exchange. Cassidy slowly is whipped to the ropes and crawls under Exo’s legs, as if she were going to leapfrog him. Of course, Cassidy tries his own chop, but Exo ducks an O’Connor Rolls him for two. Vox ducks one of Cassidy’s chops but is taken down with a running shoulder block. Cassidy comes out on the better of a leapfrog/drop down, getting a two count. Exo and Monster tag in where both competitors get in multiple pin attempts. Monster and Exo hug, and Vox joins in on the fun. Cassidy breaks it up and sends Monster out of the ring. He chops both Exo and Vox. Referee Bryce Remsburg tries giving Cassidy some lip, but Cassidy chops Bryce! Monster comes in to cool down Cassidy and he chops Monster too! Cassidy goes Old School, but Exo trips him to the apron. All four people whom Cassidy chopped serve them right back as Cassidy dangles in the ropes. Cassidy is then walked around ringside by Team Sea Stars where fans get in on the chopping fun. Cassidy considers tapping out after all the damage he absorbed. He doesn’t, and actually musters the strength to attempt a double chokeslam. Team Sea Stars fights out and serve him up a series of offense that sends him to the floor. Monster rolls through Team Sea Stars’ pose and does some shimmying. Cassidy shoves Monster out, spits orange juice in Team Sea Stars’ face, gives them the double chokeslam, then poses with his sunglasses on. Cassidy misses his falling top rope splash. Team Sea Stars hit him with the Hart Attack. Exo gives him a TKO for the pin at 10:14. This was a lot of fun. Although this was all about the comedy, which worked, you could still tell Team Sea Stars had improved even from just one month prior. It’s hard to give a star rating that truly reflects my enjoyment level, but just know the Swamp Monster’s involvement means it was five stars in my heart. **

Officer Warren Barksdale is here to set the record straight with Argus. Argus may have defeated him at National Pro Wrestling Day in a four way contest, but tonight will be different when they go one on one. If Argus tries any funny business, Barksdale is going to “book him.”

Argus vs. Officer Warren Barksdale

After trading holds, Argus takes Barksdale down in an armbar, transitioning into a top wristlock. Argus takes him down with a double underhook suplex for two. Barksdale puts Argus in a side headlock, then takes him over with a hip toss. Argus blocks Barksdale’s clotheline with his own arm which knocks Barksdale down. Argus takes him out of the corner with an armdrag, holding onto the arm. Barksdale ducks Argus’ offense, but Argus comes off the middle rope with an alita after being sent into the ropes with a mi paso. Argus takes him down with a reverse suplex for two. He also gets two with an enzuigiri. Barksdale looks for Obey the Law but Argus slips out and German suplexes him. Argus climbs the ropes after a second German suplex. Barksdale brings him down with a powerslam for the pin at 5:29. This was pretty basic, and while not perfect, people are getting into Barksdale and Argus was a solid opponent for him. *½

Vlad Radinov is plugging the Wrestle Factory when Snowflake, who we have not seen since “Top Banana”, makes his way out with the Snow Troll. Snowflake says he has been avoiding “this hell hole”, because he doesn’t perform in dumps like the Wrestle Factory or in front of people who are as ugly as the CHIKARMY. From afar he has seen his Battleborn try and fail. They were failures before he took them under his wing, and have been failures since he left, so he demands they come to the ring, which brings out “Juke Joint” Lucas Calhoun and Missile Assault Man. Snowflake addresses Calhoun as Volgar, asking him if he remembers who he was before they met. He says Calhoun was nothing then and still is nothing now. Calhoun says he remembers who he was and what he did when he wore the silver suit. He says Snowflake abandoned him and Missile Assault Man, and even without Snowflake, they challenged for Los Campeonatos de Parejas. They may have come up short, but it wasn’t because Snowflake wasn’t present. Calhoun says the Battleborn doesn’t need Snowflake and leaves the ring. Snowflake yells at Calhoun as Calhoun walks to the back. As Missile Assault Man starts to leave, Snowflake reminds him that he still has his journal (previously mentioned at “The Immaculate Election.”) This prompts Missile to get back in the ring. Snowflake says Missile has no soul and that he’s just a soldier. He tells Missile that they can be the dominant team of Battleborn. Once again Missile goes to walk away but Snowflake stops him. Snowflake starts singing “The Wheels on the Bus”, referencing the school bus Missile Assault Man blew up during his Condor days. He calls out the name of Orbit Adventure Ant and mocks his march, reminding Missile that Condron killed him at “King of Trios.” Missile goes nuts, unloading uppercuts on Snowflake and the Snow Troll. He stomps Snowflake in the corner while spelling out Missile Assault. He then gives Snowflake the Missile Launcher into the corner. From the canvas, Snowflake says that Missile’s friend is still dead and it’s Missile’s fault. Missile gives Snowflake another Missile Launcher. Snowflake says Missile sold his soul, which led to one more Missile Launcher for Snowflake. The officials come out but don’t have to do much, as Missile leaves on his own accord while the fans chant his name. CHIKARA staff carry out Snowflake while officials tend to the Snow Troll. The Snow Troll grabs Snowflake’s head scarf and flower crown and crawls underneath the ring.

Ophidian says they lost three points and a shot at Los Campeonatos de Parejas by losing the Tag World Grand Prix. Amasis wanted to thank TDT for taking them to their limit after their match in April, but all they got was a pair of Alabama Slams and some spit. Ophidian says tonight the Portal will officially welcome TDT to CHIKARA. TDT took points from them in April, and now the Portal will take them down tonight.

Amasis {OP} & Ophidian {OP} vs. Mathieu St. Jacques & Thomas Dubois

This is a rematch from “Phone Home.” The Osirian Portal attack TDT as soon as they enter the ring. Amasis unleashes kicks on St. Jacques while Ophidian throws forearms and chops at Dubois. TDT switch the Portal around looking for double German suplexes. The Portal land on their feet but get sent to the apron. They come back in and send TDT out with running crossbody’s. Amasis suicide dives onto both of them. TDT takes down Amasis. Dubois catches Ophidian’s dive attempt. St. Jacques gives Ophidian a running forearm into an apron powerbomb from Dubois. St. Jacques gives Amasis a backbreaker on the apron. In the ring Amasis is left to fight the TDT alone, which proves to be futile. Ophidian crawls into the ring during the beatdown, but is quickly disposed of. Amasis rolls out after kicking out of a spinebuster from St. Jacques. A dazed Ophidian makes his way into the ring and reverses a toss from St. Jacques, sending him to the floor. He throws some kicks to Dubois. He comes off the top where Dubois catches him with a backbreaker. Dubois follows up with four more backbreakers and a knee strike off the middle rope from St. Jacques. Amsis comes back in, throwing punches at both of TDT. They cut him off with a tandem running shoulder block. They toss Amasis out with Ophidian, and the TDT land stereo suicide dives. In the ring, Dubois kicks Amasis into a piledriver from St. Jacques for two. They go for the combo again with the roles reversed. Ophidian catches St. Jacques with a knee from the apron. Dubois throws Amasis into Ophidian. TDT try a bucket toss into the corner. Amasis fights out and delivers double blockbusters. Amasis pescado’s out onto Dubois on the floor while Ophidian hits St. Jacques with Meteora. Ophidian then dives onto Dubois. Amasis lands a top rope double stomp onto St. Jacques for two. The Portal try the assisted Egyptian Destroyer on St. Jacques. Dubois makes the save. St. Jacques gives Ophidian a waterwheel slam into the corner while Dubois gives Amasis a Razor’s Edge into the other corner. TDT then double Beele Amasis onto Ophidian. St. Jacques pins Amasis but only gets two. TDT set him up for the Doomsday Device. Ophidian crotches St. Jacques on the top rope. Amasis uses a Frankensteiner to take Dubois to the floor. The Portal bring down St. Jacques with the Pyramid suplex. Dubois tried to interrupt, but they took him down with a bicycle kick into a German suplex. The assisted Egyptian Destroyer on Dubois gets the Portal a very close two count! As the Portal await Dubois to recover, St. Jacques sneaks in a double Saito suplex. The Portal recover quickly and take St. Jacques down with stereo bicycle kicks. They deliver stereo superkicks to Dubois. They then hit the assisted Egyptian Destroyer on St. Jacques onto Dubois. Dubois then takes a second assisted butterfly Egyptian Destroyer for the pin at 13:51. I gushed the initial encounter these two teams had in April, and while I enjoyed this quite a bit, it felt too much like a rehash. I think when TDT debuted people didn’t really expect how they could fit into the CHIKARA ecosystem, and having a match that was different from the “CHIKARA style” was a perfect introduction.. While I was excited for the rematch, I didn’t want the same match again, but more so for them to expound upon what was already achieved. While I appreciate the callback to the finish from the first match and the feeling of genuine disdain between the teams, the lack of freshening up from the initial encounter knocks this down a peg in my book, but nevertheless was still a very good match. ***¼

Oleg the Usurper says he gets one more shot at a Golden Opportunity tonight. Last time, foes came between him and the gold. If that happens again tonight, off with their heads!

The Infinite Gauntlet

The Rules are similar to the Royal Rumble. 33 people come in at 88 second intervals. You eliminate people by pinfall or by throwing them over the top rope and both of their feet touching the floor. The winner gets a “Golden Opportunity” to be used at any point.

Order of Entry

1. Oleg the Usurper
2. Frightmare
3. Arctic Rescue Ant
4. Blind Rage
5. Wani
6. Brian Myers
7. Missile Assault Man {BB}
8. Shane Storm
9. Worker Ant {C}
10. Lucas Calhoun {BB}
11. Pinkie Sanchez {BDK}
12. Heidi Lovelace
13. Mark Angelosetti {T}
14. Prakash Sabar {BP}
15. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner
16. Gene Snitsky
17. Ice Cream Jr. {IC}
18. Abominous Rex
19. Jervis Cottonbelly
20. Hallowicked
21. Fire Ant {C}
22. Touch Phillips
23. Jigsaw
24. El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC}
25. Dasher Hatfield {T}
26. Jakob Hammermeier {BDK}
27. The Estonian Thunderfrog
28. Cheech Hernandez
29. Icarus
30. Hermit Crab
31. Princess Kimberlee
32. Kobald {B}
33. Juan Francisco de Coronado

Order of Elimination

1. Shane Storm is eliminated with a savate kick to the stomach from Wani and a dog pile pin from Wani, Calhoun, and Missile.
2. Brian Myers is eliminated with an uppercut from Missile and a dog pile pin from Wani, Calhoun, and Missile.
3. Blind Rage is thrown over the top rope by Snitsky.
4. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner is thrown over the top rope by Snitsky.
5. Lucas Calhoun is booted over the top rope by Snitsky.
6. Gene Snitsky is pinned by a chokeslam from Abominous Rex.
7. Prakash Sabar is thrown over the top rope by Abominous Rex.
8. Oleg the Usurper is thrown over the top rope by Abominous Rex.
9. Abominous Rex is thrown over the top rope by Missile, Angelosetti, Worker Ant, Sanchez, Arctic, Cottonbelly, Lovelace, Hallowicked, Frightmare, and Wani.
10. Pinkie Sanchez is sent over the top rope by Jakob Hammermeier, when Hammermeier tries to whip Sanchez into Hijo but is sent over the top instead.
11. Jervis Cottonbelly is sent over the top rope by Hammermeier, Missile, Phillips, Fire Ant, and Jigsaw.
12. Touch Phillips misses a top rope splash and is dogpiled by Jigsaw, Fire Ant, Hallowicked, and Hammermeier for a pinfall elimination.
13. Frightmare is thrown over the top rope and sent down to the floor with an uppercut by Hatfield.
14. Missile Assault Man is thrown off the apron by the Thunderfrog.
15. El Hijo del Ice Cream is thrown off the apron by the Thunderfrog.
16. Ice Cream Jr. is pinned by an O’Connor Roll from the Thunderfrog.
17 and 18. Cheech Hernandez and Jakob Hammermeier are eliminated by a triple suplex over the top rope from Icarus, Lovelace, and Hatfield.
19. Fire Ant is yakuza kicked to the floor by Hallowicked.
20. Hermit Crab is tossed out by Hallowicked.
21. Jigsaw pins the Thunderfrog with the Jig N’ Tonic.
22. Wani is powerbombed over the top rope onto a number of previously eliminated competitors by Hatfield.
23. Dasher Hatfield is eliminated by Mark Angelosetti, reversing a whip from Hatfield
24. Worker Ant is clotheslined over the top by Hallowicked.
25. Icarus is superkicked off of the apron by Jigsaw.
26. Kobald is tossed out by Hallowicked.
27. Arctic Rescue Ant is tossed out by Hallowicked after taking Go 2 Sleepy Hollow.
28. Heidi Lovelace is eliminated when Kimberlee sends her out after low bridging the top rope.
29 and 30. Princess Kimberlee and Jigsaw are dumped out by Coronado when Kimberlee and Jigsaw both were attempting to eliminate Hallowicked.
31. Juan Francisco de Coronado is thrown over the top rope with a Military Press from Angelosetti.
32. Hallowicked wins the Infinite Gauntlet, last eliminating Mark Angelosetti when he sends Angelosetti to the apron and Coronado yanks him down in 59:20.

Notes:

– Frightmare was a replacement for the previously announced Rock Lobster.
– Earlier in the night during the pre-show drawing, Juan made Sabar switch numbers with him, meaning Sabar originally drew the coveted #33 spot.
– Arctic Rescue Ant and Worker Ant formed a short partnership at the beginning of the match, which is unexpected considering the rivalry the Colony and Colony: Xtreme Force had in 2014.
– Angelosetti tried working with Heidi Lovelace, his former Dasher’s Dugout partner, but she was having none of it. On the other hand, she was fine with assisting and being assisted by Hatfield and Icarus. Eventually, Angelosetti tossed out Hatfield, reversing Hatfield’s attempt to toss Angelosetti to the floor.
– Abominous Rex was a mystery entrant submitted by Sidney Bakabella. He was very reminiscent of the Giant Machine from the mid-80s. He ran roughshod over the competition, absorbing a lot of damage with ease, and eliminating Oleg the Usurper, serving as a measure of retribution for Bakabella. It took 10 people to eliminate him from the match.
– Touch Phillips is the former Bugg Nevans who is the former Rick Beanbag who is the former Scoot Tatum who is the former Chuck Taylor.
– Jervis and Thunderfrog almost reunited, but when Cottonbelly tried diving from the middle rope into the arms of the Thunderfrog, he was caught by a group of people and tossed out before he and the Thunderfrog could embrace.
– After Icarus was eliminated, UltraMantis Black was seen putting him in a trance as Icarus was heading backstage, exactly like Mantis did to the Batiri in the afternoon. Lovelace went to check on him. Icarus smiles, nods at Mantis, and leaves with him, as Hallowicked brings Lovelace back to the ring.
– Lovelace looked shocked, upset, and possibly betrayed that Kimberlee eliminated her from the match.

This match flew by and was never boring, as they kept fresh competitors coming in, everybody seemed “busy”, and they told a good amount of stories in the match. Seeing Jigsaw return (hopefully for good, as his Twitter indicated), some outsiders, and some old names in the mix was a real treat. I like Coronado and Angelosetti costing each other the match as it raises the bar of their rivalry and gives you something more to sink your teeth into. Hallowicked seems like an odd choice to win, as he already had two points going into this match and has the prestige of being a former Grand Champion, but I do like that he looks stronger than ever going into that future title bout, with the largest army he has assembled to date. This was about the best you could structure a Royal Rumble type of match, and I think it’s a concept worth revisiting. ***½

Encore Match
Race Jaxon {NRG} vs. The Proletariat Boar of Moldova {BP}

Jaxon mi paso’s the Boar to the to the floor and follows with a pescado. In the ring, Jaxon tries a crossbody but takes a shot to the stomach on his way down. Boar gets in a couple shots to the face and hits the Baconator for two. Jaxon gets in a couple of hope shots, but Boar cuts him off with a punch. Jaxon follows him to the ropes with a forearm strike. Boar drops Jaxon across his knees for two. Boar traps Jaxon in the corner and drives his knees into Jaxon’s ribs. He calls for the Gore. Jaxon catches and swings him to the ropes for a clothesline. Jaxon lands a moonsault block for the pin at 2:31. That was rough. ¼*

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