Jasper, TN – 2.28.2015
Juan Francisco de Coronado vs. Missile Assault Ant vs. Oleg the Usurper vs. The Proletariat Boar of Moldova
As Coronado sizes up Oleg, Missile puts Coronado in a side headlock. Boar headlocks Missile, and Oleg headlocks the Boar for a four man chain. Oleg gets shot off and endures a triple shoulder block. Boar suffers the fate of a double shoulder block. Coronado armdrags Missile and Boar, but Oleg counters Coronado’s armdrag and sends him to the corner. As Oleg picks up speed, Missile and Boar fail to attack Coronado in the corner and end up stacked up together. Oleg splashes all three of them. All four competitors miss elbow drops on each other. They trade strikes with one another mid-ring. Some do-si-doing leads to Boar and Oleg crashing into one another. A series of boots wipes everyone out, ending with Oleg pinning Boar with a Usurper kick for two. Missile gives Oleg a Stone Cold Stunner. Coronado gives Missile a Rock Bottom. Boar gives Coronado a Pedigree and Oleg breaks the pin. Missile springboards in with a body block onto Boar and Oleg. Coronado pulls Missile into the Coronado Clutch. As he holds onto that, Boar puts Coronado in a sleeper hold and Oleg puts Boar in an ankle lock. Missile grabs the ropes to break the chain. Coronado and Missile give Oleg and Boar chin breakers simultaneously. Missile gives Coronado the Missile Launcher for the pin at 6:03. You could tell all four guys had fun going full tilt with the goofiness in a new environment. It’s a strange match on a strange show, but the bloodthirsty crowd actually seemed to dig it. *½
Jasper, TN – 3.1.2015
Softcore Championship Gauntlet
This was a Gauntlet match to determine the first ever LXW (a branch of IWA Deep South) Softcore Champion. I will only be covering the matches involving the four CHIKARA participants.
“Kosher Chef” Andrew Goldstein and James Hardy entered first. Goldstein was eliminated by Hardy, then Freight Train eliminated Hardy.
Oleg the Usurper vs. Freight Train
Oleg Usurper kicks Hardy on the floor before entering the match. Oleg baits Train into a kick to the stomach. Train absorbs Oleg’s chops in the corner and dishes out chops of his own. Oleg jabs a plastic bat into Train’s stomach but misses a corner splash. Oleg ducks a running forearm. He pummels down Train in the corner before going outside and grabbing a bag of packing peanuts. He pours them onto the canvas as if they were thumbtacks. Train chokeslams Oleg onto the peanuts. Train misses an elbow drop and lands in the peanuts. Oleg hits Off With His Head at 3:39.
Oleg the Usurper vs. Missile Assault Man
Missile cracks Oleg with a plastic bat from the floor as he makes his way to the ring. He brings a large styrofoam board into the ring. Oleg breaks it in two and stacks them up in the corner. Missile cracks Oleg with a pump kick. Oleg puts his boot up to stop Missile in the corner. Missile however rocks Oleg with an uppercut and goes for the Missile Launcher. Oleg blocks. Missile escapes off of Oleg’s shoulders but eats a Usurper kick. Oleg pins him at 1:08.
Oleg the Usurper vs. The Proletariat Boar of Moldova
Boar immediately big boots Oleg as he enters the ring. He Gores Oleg through the styrofoam boards for the pin at 0:27.
The Proletariat Boar of Moldova vs. Nacho Butcher
The Nacho Butcher has a “CHEESE DEATH” t-shirt and carries with him Nacho Cheesier Doritos and sprinkles. Butcher peppers Boar with punches. Boar knocks him down with a boot. Boar pours the Doritos onto Butcher’s chest before dropping an elbow, which also hurts the Boar. Butcher strikes Boar before he can use the sprinkles. However, as the Butcher runs at him, the Boar pours the sprinkles onto the canvas and Butcher’s bare feet are exposed to the sprinkles. Butcher side steps the Gore and gives him a spinebuster for the pin at 1:36.
“Rapeface” Ronnie Jenkins eliminates Nacho Butcher before the next bout.
Juan Francisco de Coronado vs. Ronnie Jenkins
Jenkins has two underage girls in his corner. Jenkins hands Coronado some bubble wrap so they can enjoy popping it. Coronado instead picks up the plastic bat and whacks Jenkins in the back and stomach. Coronado wraps more bubble wrap around one of the corners. Jenkins whips Coronado into the corner hard. Jenkins clobbers Coronado with a brick of styrofoam. Coronado gives him a jaw breaker and breaks the styrofoam over Jenkins’ head. One of the girls with Jenkins takes off her panties and uses it to revive Jenkins. No, seriously. He “hulks up” and catches Coronado coming off the top rope. Coronado German suplexes him, causing Jenkins’ wig to fall off. Coronado brings one of the girls into the ring. The other follows and slaps Coronado. Jenkins give Coronado a double underhook slam for the pin at 3:00.
Insane Lane enters as the final competitor. Lane wins when the IWA Deep South promoter calls the cops on him and he runs away, ending the match by countout and making Lane the first champion.
I could go on and on and on about everything wrong with the Rapeface character and the underage girls that managed him. This match was all in good fun until he showed fun and just totally ruined the match and promotion for me. Let’s all be better people and keep this trash out of wrestling.