Battle Not With Monsters


Gibsonville, NC – 5.3.2012

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Eddie Kingston
Campeones de Parejas: 3.0 (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews)
Young Lions Cup Champion: “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, UltraMantis Black, Steve “The Turtle” Weiner, Jakob Hammermeier, Leonard F. Chikarason, Scott “Jagged” Parker, and Gavin Loudspeaker.

Gavin Loudspeaker usually opens the show, but this time it’s Tim Donst and his gang of cronies (Jakob Hammermeier, Veronica Ticklefeather, and Steve “The Turtle” Weiner) to welcome the crowd. Jakob was planning on resuming his usual ring announcing duties but Donst takes that away from him. Like Gavin, Donst plays a song on the guitar, using Turtle as a chair and Jakob as a mic stand. Donst “sings” about all the things he hates. He’s also wearing a Gavin “Kid Noxious” t-shirt under his leather jacket.

The Batiri and Ophidian are backstage. Kobald is yelling about how unstoppable they are. Kodama shuts him up off screen. Ophidian says that they have taken out Dasher Hatfield, defeated Amasis, and by tomorrow the Batiri will become the new Campeones de Parejas. Before that however, they will snack on soft serve and ants.

Fire Ant {C}, assailANT {C}, El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC} vs. Ophidian {B}, Obariyon {B}, Kodama {B} & Kobald {B}

Los Ice Creams become upset when The Batiri dump their bag of sprinkles into a garbage can. They attack them from behind, leading to all eight competitors fighting around the building. Jr. punches Ophidian nine times in the corner, coming down with a double axe handle at ten. He armdrags Ophidian across the ring and gives him an atomic drop. He falls victim to the Ice Cream sandwich. Hijo throws his face into Jr’s boots. assailANT and Kodama come in. assailANT wins a Lucha sequence and drops Kodama with a modified uranage. Kobald holds assailANT so Kodama can chop him. Obariyon and Fire Ant have their own Lucha sequence. Fire Ant ends it with a fireman’s carry and a dropkick. Hijo hip tosses Kobald to his own corner. He chops both Colony members by accident. Hijo kicks his leg. Kobald steals a fans Jr. mask. Hijo puts on a Kobald mask! Kobald pinches Hijo’s bottom, so Hijo responds with a spear and elbow drop. He pinches Kobald’s bottom and Kobald delivers his own spear. He misses an elbow drop. Hijo hits the Cold Stone Stunner. Kobald puts him in an abdominal stretch with his partners adding extra leverage. Hijo escapes but Fire Ant gets stuck in the same situation. Fire Ant hip tosses Kobald to escape and puts on his own abdominal stretch. He too gets help from his partners as well as the fans. Ophidian attacks Fire Ant to end the massive chain. He puts assailANT in a trance! All four Batiri members stomp him down and isolate him in their half of the ring. Los Ice Creams try to save him but end up giving him tandem elbow drops. Ophidian throws their heads together to send them packing. assailANT catches Ophidian with a spinning uranage and tags in Fire Ant. He comes in with a high crossbody to Kodama and a tilt-a-whirl DDT to Obariyon. He Burns Down the House on Kobald. With assailANT, Kobald takes the Ants Marching dropkick. Kodama dropkicks them out. Jr. monkey flips Kodama into El Asesino from Hijo. Obariyon throws Jr. and Fire Ant onto him. Fire Ant and Los Ice Creams get in a fight, leaving assailANT to take the Skull Bronzing and be pinned by Obariyon at 18:03. This was a lot of fun and the crowd was very into it. It was clever putting The Colony and Los Ice Creams and having their dissension lead into a first round Tag World match. Kobald especially played very well into Los Ice Creams antics. Good opener. ***

Tim Donst says they’re going to have a raffle to kiss Veronica. Although Veronica is not on board, Turtle throws some money Donst’s way and chases her around the ring. Donst trips Turtle back in the ring. He says that Turtle is a loser who will never find a girl.

Saturyne vs. Missile Assault Ant {CXF}

Saturyne uses her cape to taunt the bull that is Missile Assault Ant’s missile attack. He ends up going to the floor, then choking her from behind with the cape. He drags her around the ring with the cape around her neck. Missile chokes her with his hands and the middle rope. Saturyne comes back with a quesadora bulldog. Missile chokes her on the ropes again. Saturyne rolls up to send him to the corner with a headscissors. Dazed, Missile sets up for his attack, and then collapses. He brings her back to the corner in a choke. Saturyne hops over Missile so that he collides with the ring post. She hops down and rolls him forward. She then rolls back into a bulldog. She catches him in a Magistral cradle for the pin at 2:54. Well that sure was unexpected. Not a bad story for three minutes. *

Scott “Jagged” Parker {3.0} & Shane Matthews {3.0} vs. Arctic Rescue Ant {CXF} & Orbit Adventure Ant {CXF}

Orbit Adventure Ant’s helmet is a sight to behold. deviANT comes to the ring behind the Colony: Xtreme Force. He has not been seen since the February CHIKARA shows. When 3.0 comes out, he informs us that he is the new appointed leader of the Xtreme Force since Soldier Ant resigned. He sicks Arctic and Orbit onto 3.0. Gran Akuma, 3.0’s partner comes out to help even the odds. The fans ask for this to be a six man tag and their request is granted.

Scott “Jagged” Parker {3.0}, Shane Matthews {3.0} & Gran Akuma vs. deviANT {CXF}, Arctic Rescue Ant {CXF} & Orbit Adventure Ant {CXF}

Jagged is about to lock up with Orbit when Arctic and deviANT jump him from behind. Akuma and Matthews hop in. 3.0 and Akuma avoid being thrown together and go back to fighting the Ants in the corner. The Xtreme Force stops from being thrown together, but then get dropkicked together. Matthews drop toe holds Arctic into elbow drops from both Jagged and Akuma. Orbit takes one from Jagged, but deviANT elbow drops Matthews and shoves Akuma out of the way. The Xtreme Force work over Matthews and gang up on him when the opportunity presents itself. Matthews lariats Orbit and backdrops Arctic so he can tag Akuma in. Akuma missile dropkicks deviANT and tornado DDT’s Orbit. He drops Arctic with the Tenchi Crash. deviANT breaks the pin. He swiftly kicks Akuma in the head. 3.0 drop him with a stranglehold slam. deviANT countrs the Sweet Taste of Professionalism by giving Jagged a headscissors. Orbit drops Matthews with a stunner. Arctic bulldogs Jagged. He gives Akuma a lungblower. Orbit gives him a backcracker. deviANT nails a running knee strike for two. Matthews powerbombs Arctic off the second rope to stop him from taking Jagged off the top. Akuma gives Orbit the mp4 for the same reason. Jagged is able to bring deviANT off the second rope with a twisting neckbreaker. Orbit goes to crack Akuma with his space helmet. Jon Barber takes it away. Akuma sets him up for the Tenchi Crash. deviANT however hits him in the back with the snowboard. Orbit drops him with a Complete Shot, and Arctic puts him away with the 2Radical MegaAir Tailbone Slammer: Xtreme (top rope legdrop) for the pin at 9:47. deviANT being the leader certainly will help the Xtreme Force become the Rudos they should be. By that I mean less annoying and more “fun to hate.” 3.0 and Akuma were good foils for them even when you consider the lack of familiarity between the teams. **¾

Amasis vs. The Shard

Amasis ends a wristlock exchange by taking Shard down in a side headlock. He snaps off a couple of armdrags. Shard shoulder blocks him down. After a Lucha roll, Amasis dropkicks him to the floor. When Shard comes back in he is put down in an armbar. He is then sent to the corner in a headscissors. Amasis jumps to the second rope and Shard kicks the back of his leg out. He gives Amasis a backbreaker for two. Shard drives his back into the ring frame. They trade shots back in the ring. Shard catches Amasis coming off the ropes with a big kick to the chest. He gets two with an elbow to the back. Amasis throws more strikes. Shard gives him two backbreakers across his shoulders. Amasis comes off the ropes. Shard catches him coming off into a uranage backbreaker. They go to the apron. Shard looks for a suplex. Amasis slingshots in to kick Shard’s legs out then comes out with a tope con hilo! He lands a high crossbody back in the ring for two. Shard brings him out of the corner with the Waterwheel Slam into the opposite corner. He powerbombs Amasis across his knees for two. Shard throws kicks to his back and chest. Amasis kicks out his knee and nails an enzuigiri for two. Shard crotches Amasis onto the top turnbuckle. After some fighting, Shard gives him a backdrop across the top turnbuckle! Shard then comes down with a double stomp between his shoulder blades for two. He puts Amasis in a torture rack. Amasis rolls through into a cradle. Shard superkicks him. Amasis rolls up Shard in a prawn hold to get the pin at 14:42! It’s amazing to me that Amasis was gone for as long as he was considering how good of shape he is in and how crisp he is in the ring. He’s just as good if not better than before he left. The Shard has been one of the best Rudos on the roster for months, and his back work showed just that. The crowd really got behind this and for good reason; the story they told was simple and very effective. ***¼

Gavin Loudspeaker comes hopping from backstage covered from head to toe in tape. He maneuvers his way into the ring and grabs the microphone from Donst. He tells us that Donst taped him up and locked him in the closet. He says his job is to make sure people have fun and that’s what he plans to do for the rest of the show. Donst shoves him down. He leaves Gavin in the corner and leaves with his crew in tow, saying he wants nothing to do with the idiot fans anyways.

Archibald Peck, with a tremendously waxed mustache, says he’s “puzzled” by Jigsaw now aligning with someone whose original goal was to kill CHIKARA. Peck sees CHIKARA as the place to be so he wonders why Jigsaw, a Gen 1 original, would pair himself up with someone who wants to destroy it. That’s not his puzzle to solve. What Peck wants to know if he is ready to challenge for the Grand Championship on May 18th. He doesn’t believe that he truly can until he beats the most decorated man in CHIKARA history. That of course, is Jigsaw. He plans to solve the riddle of Jigsaw tonight.

Archibald Peck vs. Jigsaw

Jigsaw punts Peck’s shako before the bell. Peck poses with the shako on the top rope, then controls Jigsaw on the mat in a side headlock. Jigsaw tries a hip toss. Peck blocks and goes for a backslide. Jigsaw sole butt kicks him. Peck responds with a leg lariat. He drop toe holds Jigsaw to the corner and gives him a back elbow to the shoulders and neck. Jigsaw pounds and stomps on Peck’s back. Peck snaps Jigsaw’s neck across the top rope and slingshots in with a forearm strike. He calls for his new move. Jigsaw shoves him to the corner to block it. Peck kicks him in the head to stop a corner attack. He calls for his finisher. Jigsaw lunges to the ropes to stop the Cranial Crescendo. He brings Peck out of the corner with a brainbuster for two. He chokes Peck with his boot. Peck shakes off the effects of Jigsaw throwing him head first into multiple corners. He then drives Jigsaw’s head into all three of the turnbuckles in one corner. Jigsaw drops Peck across the top rope. He calls for the brainbuster. Peck stops him and brings Jigsaw to the apron. Peck blocks a superkick. Jigsaw however gives him an Electric Chair drop on the apron! Enough time passes that once back in the ring, Peck cradles Jigsaw for two. Jigsaw NAILS him with a superkick for two. He goes for the Jig N’ Tonic. Peck rolls through and applies a modified Boston Crab. Jigsaw grabs the ropes to escape then cradles Peck for two. Peck avoids an O’Conner Roll. Peck then rolls back Jigsaw with his feet and holds his tights for the pin at 13:33! Well, this was definitely the right move to justify Peck’s Grand Championship match but the tight holding was odd. It seemed very out of character for him and nothing he’s done since this show would lead me to believe he’s had a change of heart. The electric chair spot was scary, and the lack of selling was bothersome, but I guess you can say it made Peck look tough as nails. ***¼

Young Lions Cup
Mark Angelosetti {T} vs. Chiva Kid

Angelosetti shoulder blocks Kid down. Kid sends Angelosetti to the floor and follow with a twisting dive! He goes to springboard back into the ring and gets caught by Angelosetti’s hand. Kid kicks him and flips to the apron. He comes in with a springboard Frankensteiner. He headscissors Angelosetti to the corner. Angelosetti pops him up for a spinebuster for two. He drops a knee across Kid’s face. He applies a chin lock. Kid escapes with a chin breaker, and follows with a Pele kick. Angelosetti gives him another spinebuster for two. He misses some of his signature standing splashes. Kid avoids a tackle in the corner and sunset flips Angelosetti for two. Kid avoids the Flea Flicker and spikes Angelosetti with a reverse Frankensteiner! Angelosetti kicks out. He tries to superplex Kid. Kid slides out. Angelosetti kicks him in the face. Kid brings him down with a Leap of Faith. He hits a shooting star press for two. Angelosetti goes for an O’Conner Roll. Kid reverses. Angelosetti’s spinebuster attempt goes awry, but he hits the Flea Flicker for the pin at 8:01. Having this done in CWF’s home turf was the right call because the crowd was way behind Chiva Kid. Even though he didn’t get a lot of time, he was able to bust out a lot of cool offense and win the affection of those in attendance. The finish was a little clunky but they made it work. I was thoroughly entertained. ***

UltraMantis Black says that just like the South has a rich history of professional wrestling, the Spectral Envoy has a history with F.I.S.T. Frightmare and Hallowicked interrupt Mantis as he begins to talk about them being the reigning King of Trios champions. Mantis agrees with their sentiments; he will leave all the talking for the ring.

UltraMantis Black {SE}, Hallowicked {SE} & Frightmare {SE} vs. Icarus {F}, Chuck Taylor {F} & Johnny Gargano {F}

Sugar Dunkerton is in F.I.S.T.’s corner. This is a rematch from “King of Trios 2012, Night 3.” Hallowicked misses a step-up enzuigiri, but does armdrag Gargano to the corner. They block each others’ kicks. Hallowicked sends him out with a step-up Frankensteiner and follows with a suicide dive. Icarus takes off his jacket to the crowd’s displeasure. He overhand chops Mantis in the corner. Mantis gives him one back and hip tosses him out of the corner. He rolls Icarus into a tornado clutch for two. Icarus leapfrogs over Mantis but ends up eating another chop. Taylor sends him to the floor which brings in Frightmare with a high crossbody. He slingshots in with a Frankensteiner and misses a yakuza kick. Gargano comes in to double team Frightmare but gets dropped with a DDT instead. He and Hallowicked get two with the Sidewinder. Mantis and Frightmare utilize the Sidewinder as well and get the same result. Gargano drags Hallowicked to the F.I.S.T. corner. Hallowicked baits them into hurting each other. Icarus back rakes Hallowicked. Mantis does the same to Icarus. F.I.S.T. take turns beating down Mantis. Gargano says if Dunkerton’s ready to be part of the team, he will grab Mantis’ leg when he’s whipped to the ropes. Dunkerton doesn’t do so. Gargano shoves him out of the way. Mantis dropkicks Gargano and tags in Hallowicked. Taylor gets super snapmared. Hallowicked the hits a Swanton Bomb and the step-up enzuigiri’s Icarus. Hallowicked super snapmares Icarus onto Taylor for two. Gargano enzuigiri’s him. He rolls Frightmare into a kick to the head. Gargano goes for a slingshot spear but Frightmare dives over him onto Icarus and Taylor. Mantis gives Gargano the Uncle Slam for two. He and Hallowicked set up for the Catacombs of Abadon. Taylor shove Hallowicked to the entrance ramp. Mantis eats F.I.S.T. Kicks and a back cracker. Frightmare breaks the pin. He drops Icarus with the Frightmare on Elm St. Taylor pops Frightmare up into Gargano’s Ace Crusher. Hallowicked makes the save. He gives Gargano Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Icarus dropkicks him out. Mantis catches Icarus with Cosmic Doom. Taylor breaks the pin. Taylor gives Frightmare Sole Food. Frightmare yakuza kicks him. Taylor accidentally boots Icarus! Frightmare enzuigiri’s Taylor. Gargano goes for the Hurts Donut. When Frightmare blocks he nails a superkick. Dunkerton is checking on Icarus. Gargano shoves him to the floor. Frightmare then schoolboys Gargano for the pin at 16:54. The wrestling here was about as good as their King of Trios bout. The story with F.I.S.T. not getting along was worked in really well, not being overbearing but still playing an integral part in the bout. Of course the wrestling was excellent. ***½

Johnny Gargano is fed up. He says he’s too good for Dunkerton and that he quits. He’s frantically taking off his F.I.S.T. gauntlets as Icarus grabs the microphone. Icarus says all he asks is for him to give Dunkerton a chance. Gargano shakes Icarus’ hand and gives him a hug. He says he will give Dunkerton one more chance. After it looks like everything is good, Gargano superkicks Dunkerton! Icarus spears Gargano! Taylor can’t believe Icarus did this for Dunkerton as he walks Gargano out of the building. The fans are chanting Dunkerton’s name as he gets to his feet and heads out.

Green Ant reminds us that he defeated Eddie Kingston back on February 9th by submission to earn his Grand Championship match. He walked into Orlando on March 9th to beat him again, but that match didn’t happen. He left all the respect and honor he had for Kingston in Florida. He’s ending his reign tonight and giving the Chikarmy the champion they deserve.

CHIKARA Grand Championship
Eddie Kingston vs. Green Ant {C}

Green Ant smartly attacks Kingston’s bad leg right away. He goes for the cloverleaf but Kingston punches him away and bails to the floor. Green Ant follows with a dive off the top rope. He brings Kingston back in for a cloverleaf. When that fails he slingshots Kingston into the corner and comes off the second rope with a knee strike. Green Ant knocks him down on the apron. He goes for a diving headbutt but collides face first on the edge of the ring! Kingston drives Green Ant’s neck and head into the apron twice. He chokes him on the middle rope. He gets two with a Rude Awakening. Green Ant rolls under a clothesline, kicks Kingston’s leg, then kicks him in the head. Kingston catches him coming off with the ropes with a leg-capture suplex. He comes off the second rope with a bulldog. Kingston snaps Green Ant’s neck across the top rope. When Green Ant goes after his leg, Kingston throws some Kobashi chops. Green Ant drop toe holds him to the second rope and dropkicks him in the side of the head. He follows up with a top rope elbow for two. He slingshots in from the apron with a double jump dropkick. He frog splashes Kingston’s legs for two. He also gets two with a German suplex. Kingston responds with a half-nelson suplex. He butterfly suplexes Green Ant for two. Kingston kicks Green Ant as he climbs the ropes, causing damage to himself as well. Kingston brings him down with a superplex for two. Green Ant hits a lariat upon recovery. Kingston pokes Green Ant in the eyes. Green Ant kicks Kingston’s knee and dropkicks him to the floor. He goes to dive after him but Kingston catches him with a fist. Kingston powerbombs Green Ant onto the floor! Green Ant makes it back in just before the twenty count. When Kingston goes to pick him up, he puts on a Cloverleaf. Kingston gets the ropes so Green Ant small packages him for two. Kingston nails the Backfist to the Future and a Saito suplex. Green Ant makes his way up, but one more Backfist to the Future puts him away at 16:06. This was a slight step above their initial encounter. The title added more drama to the finish, and just like their first match it had the excellent limb work, mat wrestling, and hard hitting action you would want from these two. I don’t know if Green Ant ever really captured the fans imagination in terms of seeing him as a potential new champion but the work was good nonetheless. ***½


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