Bristol, CT – 2.16.2013
Icarus, Orange Cassidy & Patient Zero vs. Dr. Keiblerwicz, Mr. Strangles & Ultimo Unicorn
Hearing Icarus drop F bombs and swear is quite unusual. He’s also wearing gear that looks like green underwear. He also jabs with a puppet who is the commentator. This show is quite bizarre already. Zero is a zombie who uses a walker to get around because he’s old. Dr. Keiblerwicz created Mr. Strangles (a monkey) and the Ultimo Unicorn. Got all that?
Cassidy can’t cause any damage to Unicorn. Unicorn gives him a Sole Food which causes Cassidy to bail to the floor. Keiblerwicz throws kicks and chops at Zero. Keiblerwicz enzuigiri’s him to the floor. Icarus and Strangles amazingly engage in some counter wrestling. Strangles sits down to avoid being whipped. He snaps off some armdrags and avoids a crossbody. Cassidy and Strangles almost fall asleep on each other. Cassidy ends up giving him a stunner. He falls onto him for a two count. His team isolates Strangles until he kicks Icarus in the groin to avoid a charge. Keiblerwicz dropkicks Cassidy to the floor and double palm strikes Zero. He gives him a deadlift German suplex for two. Cassidy puts the Squeeze on Keiblerwicz’s head. Icarus spears Unicorn before he can spear Cassidy. Strangles monkey flips Icarus out of the corner. Cassidy crotches Strangles in the corner. Icarushits the Shattered Dreams and gives him an X-Factor. He brags about this on the microphone and tells Cassidy to take it home. The Unicorn gives him a horn-assisted chinbreaker which hurts his eye. He follows up with a superkick for the pin at 12:24. If you’re watching this for the wrestling, you’re not watching for the right reasons. It could have been a lot worse. ½*
The Shard vs. Aaron Epic
Shard tackles Epic and punches are traded on the mat. They trade strikes on the floor until Epic is sent face first into the ring post. Epic chops Shard into the crowd. He misses a chop and his hand hits the ring post. He does however knock Shard down with a back elbow in the ring for two. Shard catches him with a waterwheel slam and a double stomp. He chokes Epic on the middle rope. He gets two with an elbow drop. Epic rakes his face to escape a Camel Clutch. Shard gives him a Jon Woo dropkick. Epic avoids a corner attack and drops Shard with an Ace Crusher. Shard throws some chops. Epic responds with some of his own. He drops Shard with a lariat STO for two. Shard gives him a superkick and a German suplex for two. He curb stomps Epic twice. He teases a third one, but goes for the pin instead. Epic kicks out. Epic drops him with a 2k1 Bomb for two. He lariats Shard inside out for another two count. He goes for the Fast Ball Punch. Shard avoids it and puts on a Crossface. When Epic gets close to the ropes, he throws some forearms to the neck and reapplies it. Epic escapes by turning it into a pin attempt. Shard gives him two running kicks to the chest. On the third try, Epic catches him with the Fast Ball Punch for the pin at 9:07. That was so much better and way different than the opener. These guys are two of my favorites to watch right now and it’s no surprise that they had a sporting, hard hitting match. The only negative was the commentators making tasteless Benoit jokes. ***1/4
Gran Akuma vs. JT Dunn
Akuma coming out to DMX is awesome. After trading holds, Dunn dropkicks Akuma to the floor. He follows with a suicide dive and then a tope rope plancha. Akuma kicks him in the chest from the apron and brings him into the ring with a rope-assisted DDT for two. He applies a chinlock out of a Romero Special. After some kicks he gives Dunn a snap suplex for two. In the corner Dunn catches Akuma with a back cracker. They attack each other in the corner. Dunn hits a pump-handle Falcon Arrow. Akuma backdrops Dunn and delivers a fallaway kick. Dunn comes back with a rebound rolling forearm strike for two. Akuma enzuigiri’s him from the apron. He delivers a missile dropkick and does the deal with a Falcon Arrow for two. After a strike exchange, Dunn gives Akuma a flipping square driver for the pin at 9:01. That finish was sick. Just like the Shard/Epic match, I had certain expectations and they were met. Dunn is flat out underrated and Akuma has really come into his own lately. ***
Winner Gets Last Twinkies in the World
Hallowicked vs. Fire Ant
Furious forearms are thrown. A Lucha exhange sees Fire Ant give Hallowicked the Stop, Drop, and Roll to send him to the floor. He baits Fire Ant into a kick from the apron. He slingshots into a schoolboy for two. Fire Ant turns Hallowicked’s courting hold into a fireman’s carry. He tornado clutches Hallowicked for two. Hallowicked rolls to the floor. Fire Ant goes for a suicide dive but gets caught with a step-up enzuigiri and a leg drop across the neck. Hallowicked stomps him down in the corner. Fire Ant ducks a step-up enzuigiri. He hits a flipping senton for two. Hallowicked responds with Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Fire Ant blocks a Rydeen Bomb by Burning Down the House. He Yahtzee Kicks Hallowicked to the floor and follows with a suicide dive and a tope con hilo. He gets two with a brainbuster in the ring. Both men deliver enzuigiri’s. Hallowicked super snapmares Fire Ant and follows up with a Swanton for two. He tries another super snapmare. Fire Ant shoves him off the top rope and gets two with a high crossbody. Hallowicked yakuza kicks him for the pin at 8:39, giving him the last Twinkies on Earth. That was the fun Lucha style match you would expect. If nothing else, the CHIKARA gang brought the goods on this show. ***
Steve “The Turtle” Weiner passes around Hallowicked’s Twinkies to the fans, saying he doesn’t need the sugar for energy. He then starts a dance party which includes Pinkie Sanchez in a Winnie the Pooh costume.