All the Agents and Superhuman Crew

chikaragents

Reading, PA – 2.9.2013

Championship Rundown
CHIKARA Grand Champion: Eddie Kingston
Campeonatos de Parejas: The Young Bucks (Nick & Matt Jackson)
Young Lions Cup Champion: “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Wink Vavasseur, Gavin Loudspeaker, Kobald, UltraMantis Black, Leonard F. Chikarason and Sugar Dunkerton.

deviANT tells Soldier Ant that because he got the win at “Under the Hood”, he’s in charge. He tries to lay down the law, but Soldier Ant says “enough!” and walks away. deviANT re-iterates to the camera that he is in charge.

Fire Ant {C} & assailANT {C} vs. Soldier Ant & deviANT

assailANT does not appreciate Soldier’s saluting nonsense, continuously trying to get him to stop but failing. Soldier Ant boots him in the stomach and comes off the second rope with a back elbow. He gets two with a saluting elbow drop. deviANT won’t tag in, but Fire Ant will. Both he and Soldier Ant sit and refuse to wrestle! assailANT tries talking to Fire Ant while deviANT barks orders at Soldier. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant go after assailANT and deviANT respectively. Once they’re sent to the floor Fire Ant and Soldier Ant look at each other wondering what to do. They end up landing stereo suicide dives. Fire Ant Stops, Drops and Rolls deviANT back in the ring. deviANT responds with a knee strike. He wants a truce with assailANT. It turns out to be a trick as he forearms assailANT in the face and gives Fire Ant a Code Breaker. He keeps on top of Fire Ant until he takes a crossbody and assailANT is tagged in. assailANT doesn’t fall for his truce and throws his own series of strikes. Soldier Ant won’t tag in. The Colony hits the Ants Marching dropkick. DeviANT throws Soldier Ant into the ring. He gives assailANT a saluting flying forearm and a German suplex for two. deviANT stops Soldier from hitting the TKO and tosses him to the floor. He kicks assailANT in the head twice. Fire Ant snapmares him into the Yahtzee Kick. deviANT pops Fire Ant onto Soldier Ant’s shoulders and kicks out Soldier’s knees. He superkicks Fire Ant too. When deviANT gets mouth, Soldier Ant walks out of the building. assailANT gives deviANT a Death Valley Driver. Fire Ant hits another Yahtzee Kick. The Ants Marching neckbreaker puts him away at 9:34. Pretty interesting from a story perspective but nothing overly impressive or noteworthy from an in-ring perspective. **1/2

Dasher Hatfield {T} vs. Delirious {B}

Delirious charges. Hatfield ducks his clothesline and throws some forearms. Delirious attacks him in a few different corners. Hatfield hops over Delirious and O’Conner Rolls him for the pin at 0:51! Well, that sure was unexpected. This was definitely a way for the leader of the Batiri to get upset at Hatfield and to start that feud. I’m fine with that. N/R

Delirious attacks Hatfield after the match. Hatfield is able to hang with him until Kobald jumps in to help out. Delirious hits him with the Panic Attack a few times before he and Kobald leave.

El Hijo del Ice Cream {IC} & Ice Cream Jr. {IC} vs. Obariyon {B} & Kodama {B}

Hijo is prideful of himself for kicking Kodama’s leg out. Kodama comes back with a dropkick. Both he and Obariyon miss some sentons. Jr. holds Kodama in the corner. Kodama gets his boot up a few times to block his attack and avoids a corner splash. The Batiri send Hijo running into the crowd scared. Jr. gets the crowd pumped up. Obariyon puts him in a chinlock. Hijo is about to kick him when referee Dan Yost admonishes him for attempting to cheat. Kodama slingshots in with a Frankensteiner. Obariyon follows up with a dropkick. Hijo tries breaking another chinlock and gets caught. The Batiri get in some more illegal double teaming behind Yost’s back. Kodama puts on a chinlock. This time, Hijo is able to kick Kodama. Jr. ducks a double team attack and legally tags Hijo in. He scoop slams the Batiri on top of each other and gives them the Earthquake Splash. Jr. comes in and gets double teamed with some fast offense. Kodama does an impressive quesadora DDT. Hijo tags in and accidentally knocks Jr. to the floor. Hijo takes the Skull Bronzing. Kodama hits a flying Blockbuster and Obariyon follows with the Rapture for the pin at 7:44. I really like the new offense the Batiri threw in and how crisp they looked in this match. Los Ice Creams were fun opponents but seem to be nothing more than fodder these days. **1/4

Frightmare {SE} vs. Ophidian {B}

Ophidian does not appreciate the fans wearing the Ophidian masks and even tries unmasking a female fan. He bicycle kicks Frightmare as he approaches. Back in the ring Frightmare fires back with some strikes. He misses a step-up Frankensteiner but does get in a back body drop. Frightmare strings an enzuigiri and dropkick together. Ophidian blocks a huracanrana with a powerbomb for two. He tries unmasks an Amasis fan in the back row. Frightmare chops him around the building. In the ring, he slingshots into the Frightmare on Elm St. for two. Ophidian blocks a pop-up clothesline. He enzuigiri’s Frightmare to the corner and drives his knees into his chest. He headstands into another double knee attack. He’s about to go after another masked fan when Frightmare dives off the apron with a splash. In the ring he tries for the Friggin’ Sweet Driver. He escapes at first, but eventually falls to it and kicks out. Frightmare spikes Ophidian with an Ace Crusher. Ophidian kicks him away to avoid the Kneecolepsy. He hits a running knee strike and hits his own variation on the Kneecolepsy for two. Ophidian tries putting on the Death Grip. Frightmare instead leans back, pinning Ophidian’s shoulders to the mat and giving him the win at 6:25. Clever finish but not exactly satisfying. I get the idea of Ophidian being off his game due to the Amasis masks, but after the fun work they put in you would expect a much more definitive finish than that. Maybe it’s just me, but it took the wind out of my sails. **1/2

Sugar Dunkerton is singing “Roxanne” by the Police next to Icarus. Icarus tells Dunkerton that he went to a clinic by Marty Jannetty to get ready for the new and more aggressive Jigsaw. He passes some knowledge that Marty gave to him, including that you need to have your partners back, even if you pine for a team you were once in. Dunkerton assures he will have Icarus’ ugly back in their match.

Jigsaw & The Shard vs. Icarus {F} & Sugar Dunkerton {F}

Jigsaw and Shard jump F.I.S.T. right at the bell. Dunkerton slams both of their faces into the mat. He ties up their legs and falls back twice to add more pressure. They roll to the floor leaving Icarus to take credit for Dunkerton’s work. They have some words but fight Jigsaw and Shard when they come back in. Jigsaw is thrown back out. Icarus drops an elbow and Dunkerton misses one after dancing. He tell Icarus that they were both supposed to dance. Jigsaw attacks Dunkerton upon re-entering the ring. He and the Shard keep Dunkerton isolated in their half of the ring. Dunkerton manages to escape when he forearms his way out of the corner, then shoves Jigsaw out of a sunset flip position. Icarus is able to take down Jigsaw but still gets booed from the Chikarmy. He sends Jigsaw into the corner with three consecutive suplexes. He spears the Shard. Jigsaw boots him into the Shard. Jigsaw kicks Icarus into the Shard’s brainbuster for two. Dunkerton throws punches at both of them. He gets taken down by some kicks but does block their superkicks. He throws Jigsaw’s boot into the Shard and delivers a rolling clothesline to Jigsaw for two. Dunkerton stops him from giving Icarus a brainbuster. Icarus rolls to the floor! Jigsaw kicks Dunkerton in the side of the head. Dunkerton does a great job fighting off the Shard and Jigsaw by himself. However, the Shard gives him a waterwheel slam and Jigsaw comes off the top with a double stomp. Shard pins Dunkerton at 10:15. Jigsaw and The Shard are already a well oiled unit. They worked together tremendously and come off as a threat to the tag titles right away. Dunkerton and Icarus work together very well too and it made for a fun watch. Sometimes I don’t think Dunkerton gets enough credit for how good he is. Then again, neither does Icarus. **3/4

A lot of people have been saying they feel sorry that Green Ant has to face Eddie Kingston. Green Ant says he did not come unprepared to Reading, PA. He plans to show everybody what he is capable of. He hopes Kingston is ready, because he sure is.

Eddie Kingston vs. Green Ant {C}

They vie for control on the mat with Kingston getting the mount. Green Ant goes for an ankle lock, causing Kingston to grab the ropes in haste. Green Ant goes for a hammerlock submission. Once again Kingston gets the ropes. He pushes Green Ant to the corner with his forearm over his face but breaks cleanly. Green Ant backs him to the corner and sneaks in a chop. He throws another chop, so Kingston forearms him to the floor. Green Ant utilizes some armdrags. Kingston blocks a boot in the corner and suplexes him overhead. After some more chops he snapmares Green Ant into a back kick for one. He stomps him in the mid-section for another one count. He does more damage to Green Ant’s stomach. Green Ant grabs an arm submission. Kingston grabs the ropes and headbutts him in the mid-section. After applying a body scissors he chops up Green Ant in the corner. He drives his knee into Green Ant’s neck which visibly tweaks Kingston’s knee in the process. He puts Green Ant in a tree of woe and pulls back on his neck and face. Green Ant trips Kingston and goes for the Cloverleaf. Kingston turns it into a pin and gets one. He drops Green Ant with a reverse DDT. Green Ant kicks Kingston on the top rope a few times. He dragonscrews him back to the mat. He kicks Kingston to the floor and throws kicks to Kingston’s knee. That continues inside the ring. Kingston goes for the Backfist to the Future. Green Ant ducks and tries a figure four. Kingston grabs Green Ant’s leg to block it at first, but Green Ant does get it locked on soon after. Kingston gets the ropes. He ducks a kick and delivers a German suplex. He throws a lariat when Green Ant gets to his feet and gets two. Emerald Frosion has the same result. Kingston is grasping his knee in pain. Forearms are traded. Green Ant chops Kingston in the neck before throwing a headbutt. He delivers the Angle Slam for two. Once they both get up, Kingston maneuvers his way into a Saito suplex. Kevin Steen runs out to mockingly cheer Kingston from the aisle. Wink Vavasseur gets in between to stop a fight but ends up being knocked down by Kingston. Steen heads to the back after that. Back in the ring, Green Ant ducks a backfist. He puts Kingston in the cloverleaf. Kingston taps out at 16:01! This was exactly what I wanted out of this match – smartly worked submissions and limb work with some hard hitting elements thrown in. The best part about Eddie Kiingston is that his bad knee is such a part of CHIKARA lore at this point that it’s the best go to story in any and all of his matches, this being no exception. The biggest problem was the Steen and Wink portion. It felt totally inorganic and took me out of the match for the minute. It even cheapened Green Ant’s win to an extent because someone else had to take Kingston off his game for him to feel lucky. At least that’s how I saw it. Luckily the work put in that was really strong. Their title rematch should be stellar. ***1/4

Wink Vavasseur angrily gets in the ring as Kingston is recovering. He wonders if Kingston’s knee is going to be good enough for tomorrow. He hopes so, because he just made it a Grand Championship bout.

Scott “Jagged” Parker {3.0}, Shane Matthews {3.0} & Gran Akuma vs. Kevin Steen, Nick Jackson {YB} & Matt Jackson {YB}

After switching control in a double knuckle lock, Jagged sends Nick to the floor with a leg lariat and follows with a pescado. Akuma uses a variety of armdrags on Matt. He gives him a backbreaker causing Matt to roll out. Matthews and Steen have a shoulder block battle. Matthews trips Steen in a Boston Crab attempt. Steen blocks it but is taken down with a headscissors. Akuma throws kicks at Steen’s leg. Matt sneaks in and locks his legs across Akuma’s head. Nick dropkicks Akuma and Steen gives him a rope-assisted DDT. The Bucks and Steen bully Akuma in their corner for awhile. Steen jumping for the Bucks’ double backflip dropkick caused me to rewind a few times. Akuma almost escapes when he blocks Nick’s slingshot X-Factor and avoids Matt’s dropkick which hits Nick. Steen however comes in with a somersault legdrop and mocks 3.0. Akuma avoids a corner splash from Steen and nails a missile dropkick. 3.0. tag in and clean house on the Bucks. Matthews drop toe holds Steen into an elbow drop from Jagged and Akuma. They all elbow Steen in the corner, then Nick and Steen, then the Bucks and Steen. Steen clotheslines 3.0 down. Akuma sends them to the apron. Steen powerbombs Akuma into stereo enzuigiri’s. He cannonball sentons Akuma for two. Jagged enzuigiri’s Steen, then eats double superkicks from the Bucks. Matthews clotheslines Matt but gets superkicked by Nick. Akuma gives Nick a fallaway kick leaving everyone laying. Jagged Samoan drops Nick. Matthews gives him a powerbomb. Akuma hits a frog splash. Matthews puts him in the Boston Crab. Steen forearms Matthews to break the hold. Jagged sends Steen into the ring post. Nick suicide dives onto Akuma. Matthews and Steen trade forearms. Nick holds Matthews but Steen accidentally forearms him. Matthews rolls Steen up for two. Nick rakes his eyes. Steen gives him a package piledriver. The Bucks then give him More Bang For Your Buck for the win at 15:50. That was a whole lot of fun. The trios worked really well in their respective roles and knew just how to get the crowd responding. It really set the table for two of the three title matches for tomorrow night’s show and was just a solid wrestling contest in and of itself. ***1/2

Hallowicked {SE} vs. Chuck Taylor {F}

UltraMantis Black accompanies Hallowicked but then takes a seat at the commentary table. Taylor pulls on Hallowicked’s stem. Hallowicked gets in a few armdrags. Taylor brings him down in a waistlock and gets a two count. Hallowicked applies a hammerlock while pulling on Taylor’s face. Taylor bites his hand to escape. Hallowicked sends him to the corner with a step-up Frankensteiner. He slingshots in with a schoolboy for two. Taylor pulls on his stem again. He applies a courting hold. Hallowicked runs the ropes and armdrags his way free. Taylor kicks him in the ropes and gives him an Ace Crusher for two. He drops an elbow into his stomach for two. They give each other a step-up Frankensteiner. Taylor belly-to-belly suplexes him out of the corner. Taylor ends a forearm exchange with an eye rake. Hallowicked sends him to the apron but Taylor snaps his neck across the top rope. He hits a springboard dropkick for two. He misses a moonsault. Hallowicked gives him a step-up enzuigiri and the super snapmare. He gets two with a Swanton. Taylor comes back with Sole Food. Hallowicked Rydeen Bombs him for two. He charges at Taylor in the corner. Taylor Brodie Knees him to the apron. He tries suplexing him back in. Hallowicked avoids it. Taylor tornado clutches him and goes for the Kentucky Crawdad. Hallowicked avoids it and tries Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. Taylor blocks and successfully applies the Kentucky Crawdad. Hallowicked gets the ropes. Hallowicked sends him to the floor and follows with a suicide dive. They fight on the ring apron. Taylor ends up giving Hallowicked a reverse DDT onto it. Hallowicked gets on the apron right before the twenty count concludes. Taylor dropkicks him back out. Hallowicked comes back in and catches Taylor’s springboard dropkick with a Rydeen Bomb for two. Taylor ducks a step-up enzuigiri and throws Hallowicked onto his stomach and chest. He gets two with a running boot. He goes for the Awful Waffle. Hallowicked blocks it and hits Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. He puts Taylor away with a yakuza kick at 13:47. These two really stepped up their game. They were evenly matched throughout, making both of them look like viable contenders for the Grand Championship. Taylor showed that even though he has a tendency to be goofy, he can really go when the time calls for it. Hallowicked continues to be one of the best guys on the roster and I pray for him vs. Kingston soon. ***1/4

Just as Gavin Loudspeaker is about to make the announcements for the main event, Tim Donst and Jakob Hammermeier make their way out. Donst goes on about how wrestling isn’t cool, fun, or an art, but is misery, pain, and disappointment. He says that at “Under the Hood” he was going to be the martyr for pro wrestling. He claims nobody gets what he’s about but Jakob says he does. Donst hands Jakob the microphone. He puts out scissors and cuts off Jakob’s Tim Donst t-shirt. Jakob wants to know what’s wrong with wanting to be like him. With that, he brings Jakob to his knees and ferociously begins cutting his hair! Jakob screams in agony begging for Donst to stop, but Donst does not let up. He smiles and tells Jakob that now he is just like him. Jakob is left with clumps of hair in his hand crying. Everyone looks very disturbed.

Archibald Peck says that the time for talking is over, and now it’s time to fight. He almost walks away but comes back to say a few more things. He doesn’t blame Angelosetti for stealing Veronica from him. It was her decision and he can live with that. He can’t blame him for cheating either, but can blame him for being a bully. He says a bully is just a coward with a home field advantage, but tonight the playing field will be even. He hopes Angelosetti is ready for the returning Archibald Peck, because tonight he is in for the fight of his life.

No Disqualification
Archibald Peck vs. Mark Angelosetti {T}

Veronica Ticklefeather is in Angelosetti’s corner. We start out with a punches being thrown. Peck wins the exchange and tosses Angelosetti to the floor. He teases a suicide dive but ends up marching around the ring. He comes off the top rope with a diving shoulder block. He drop toe holds Angelosetti into the middle turnbuckle and drives his elbow into his shoulders. Peck headbutts Angelosetti’s crotch after blocking a dropkick. Angelosetti catches his pescado attempt and slams him onto the ring apron. He then slams Peck onto a row of chairs. He does more damage to Peck’s lower back in the ring. He tosses Peck up and slams him onto his mid-section. He applies a Camel Clutch. Peck bites his fingers to escape and slide to the floor. Angelosetti stomps Peck’s back when he goes under the ring to grab something. He comes out with his MMA gloves that he wore under his guise of Mixed Martial Archie! He throws a sole butt kick before smothering Angelosetti with repeated punches and kicks. Angelosetti tries to headbutt his crotch but gets got in a modified Triangle Choke. He lifts Peck and drives him into the corner. He drops his knee onto Peck’s face a few times. Peck responds with an enzuigiri. Angelosetti crotches him on the top rope. He brings Peck down with a superplex for two. Angelosetti splashes onto him twice before striking the Tebow pose. Peck snaps his neck and upper back on the top rope. He hits a springboard clothesline. He gets two with the Snow Plow. Angelosetti hits the Flea Flicker for his own two count. He pulls out some shoulder pads from underneath the ring. He comes off the top rope with a splash D-Lo Brown style. Peck kicks out. He blocks a tackle but gets Cactus clotheslined to the floor. Peck puts on the Mysterious and Handsome Stranger mask as they recover. He puts up his “gun” to stop Angelosetti in his tracks. He lariats Angelosetti for two. He tries a springboard move but gets caught with a mid-air tackle. Angelosetti takes the Stranger mask and pulls out the Falconer bag that Sapphire used to be carried in. He opens the bag and pulls out a statue of Sapphire. He mockingly holds it up for the crowd. The real Sapphire is brought out in a wheelchair! Angelosetti shoves down the nurse and brings Sapphire into the ring. He puts her in the bag so he can crush her again. Peck low blows him before that can happen. He pulls Sapphire out and gives him the Go 2 Tweet (a Sapphire assisted Go 2 Sleep.) Angelosetti kicks out. Peck brings his band hat and a bass drum out from the back. Angelosetti gives him a spinebuster for two. He and Peck fight for Veronica’s baton. Peck ducks Angelosetti’s baton shot and grabs it. Veronica takes it and asks Peck not to hit Touchdown. Angelosetti goes for a spear and ends up tackling Veronica! As he tries to revive her, Peck smashes the drum over Angelosetti’s head! Peck puts him away with a hat assisted Cranial Crescendo at 25:48. This was pure brilliance. The back work from Angelosetti, the mixing of characters from Peck, Veronica and Sapphire’s involvement; only in CHIKARA could a match like this work. Not only did they deviate from what you would expect in a normal street fight, but they used weapons that fit their characters and style throughout the course of the bout. I could probably gush some more, but you get the idea; this was tremendous. ****

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