Throwing Life’s Instructions Away


Easton, PA – 11.20.2009

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Leonard F. Chikarason, Louden Noxious, UltraMantis Black, and Mike Quackenbush.

Louden Noxious sings a song called “Goin’ Wrasslin.” It’s about how C-H-I-K-A-R-A spells wrasslin’.

Hallowicked {I} vs. Ophidian {OP}

They go to the mat early on but no advantage is created. Ophidian armdrags Hallowicked to the mat in an overhead wristlock. Hallowicked then armdrags Ophidian into a crucifix pin for one. Ophidian trips Hallowicked out of a wristlock. Some Lucha rolls lead to Ophidian tripping Hallowicked and going to the top turnbuckle. He misses a high crossbody. Hallowicked Oklahoma rolls him for two. He holds onto an armlock. Ophidian escapes and trades chops with Hallowicked. Ophidian Skins the Snake into a headscissors. Hallowicked responds with a clothesline. He jackknife pins Ophidian for two. He tries another Oklahmoa Roll and gets another two count. He suplexes Ophidian and holds onto a double knuckle lock to apply a Japanese stranglehold. He drives Ophidian to the corner and delivers a super snapmare for two. Hallowicked and Ophidian exchange strikes. They take each other down simultaneously with a yakuza kick from Hallowicked and a spin kick from Ophidian. Hallowicked goes for another yakuza kick. Ophidian ducks it and backslides Hallowicked for two. A couple of armdrags leads to a fisherman’s suplex. Hallowicked kicks out. Ophidian tries to Skin the Snake again. Hallowicked pulls him up into Go 2 Sleepy Hollow for two. Hallowicked tries a Rydeen Bomb, but Ophidian counters with double knees to the chest, driving Hallowicked into the canvas. Ophidian locks on the Death Grip. Hallowicked backs him to the corner. They roll in a wheelbarrow position with Ophidan re-applying the Death Grip when the rolling ceases. Hallowicked drives Ophidian head first into the turnbuckles. A step-up Frankensteiner and prawn hold gets him two. Ophidian moonsault presses onto Hallowicked into a reverse prawn hold for the pin at 10:34. This gives Ophidian momentum going into his and Amasis’ title match tomorrow night. A couple months earlier Hallowicked had a fun technical showcase with Claudio. This was a truncated version of that and was quite enjoyable. **¾

The Badd Boys say that last month they were stopped by the border patrol in Canada and got into a tussle. This month, they were let right through after the chaos they caused. Tonight they’re facing Helios and Lince Dorado and promise it will be a badd time for the both of them.

Lince Dorado {TFN} & Helios {TFN} vs. Brad Badd & Chad Badd

The Badd Boys attack the Future is Now before the bell. Brad disposes of Helios on the floor while Chad throws punches at Dorado’s gut. Dorado comes off the second rope with a crossbody to them both. Brad accidentally pops up Dorado into a dropkick to Chad. Brad clotheslines Dorado to the floor. Helios flies in with double knees to Brad and headscissors Chad to the corner. The Badd Boys give him a tandem waterwheel slam for two. They beat down Helios for a few moments before he rolls away and tags in Dorado. The Badd Boys look for stereo powerbombs and end up taking double Frankensteiner’s to the floor. Tandem Sasuke Special’s follow. In the ring, Dorado and Helios drop Chad with a tandem Hero’s Welcome. Dorado slingshots Chad into a Complete Shot from Helios. Off of Dorado’s shoulders, Helios jumps to the top rope and moonsaults onto Chad. Dorado follows with a Lynxsault. Brad breaks the pin and pitches Dorado outside. The Badd Boys go for a Doomsday Device. Helios flips out and O’Connor Rolls Brad. Chad breaks it up. The Badd Boys then hit the Badd Move for the pin at 5:00. This was a very fun sprint and a good showcase of each teams style. **

Amasis {OP} vs. Carpenter Ant {C}

They start off exchanging hammerlocks. Carpenter Ant sends Amasis to the apron, but Amasis hops back in with an armdrag. He comes off the second rope with an alita. Carpenter Ant headscissors Amasis. They duck each others’ kicks and reach a stalemate after throwing stereo dropkicks. Amasis comes off the second rope with a shoulder tackle. He tries again but Carpenter Ant hits him in the stomach with a Polish hammer. Carpenter Ant nails him in the chest with a few strikes. He stomps down Carpenter Ant in the corner. Nick Papagiorgio pulls him off when he doesn’t break on a five count, warning him of a DQ. Amasis comes back with a leg lariat. He shoulder tackles Carpenter Ant after a couple of strikes. He crotches Amasis on the top rope and enzuigiri’s him into a tree of woe. Carpenter Ant kicks him. Papagiorgio counts to five, and when Carpenter Ant doesn’t stop, Papagiorgio disqualifies him at 4:27. Carpenter Ant gets in his face, but Amasis sends Carpenter Ant out with a punch to the face. This was fine for what it was, which was just a vehicle for people to question Carpenter Ant’s motives. ½*

Player Dos {SSB} vs. Yujiro Kushida

This was when Kushida was in HUSTLE, years before splitting time with Alex Shelley. He and Dos fight for control. Dos snapmares his way out of a hammerlock, bringing them back to square one. Kushida throws some strikes and sends Dos to the apron. Dos comes back in with a slingshot sunset flip. Kushida lands on his feet from that and out of a Frankensteiner. They reach a stalemate after stereo dropkicks. Kushida baits Dos into a kick to the stomach. He ties his feet around Dos’ arm and falls back to apply pressure. Dos catches a hip attack and gives him a back suplex for two. Kushida hits a back handspring back elbow and a standing Supernova Press for two. Kushida snapmares him and cartwheels into a dropkick for two. He legdrops Dos twice. Dos fires back with forearm strikes, but Kushida cuts him off with a dropkick. Dos spin kicks him. He tries a half-nelson suplex but Kushida drives him head first into the corner, then sends Dos shoulder first into the ringpost. He twists up Dos’ shoulder and neck. Dos escapes and lands a quebrada press. He spins Kushida out into a facebuster, sending him to the floor. Dos follows with a tope con hilo. In the ring he tries a powerbomb. Kushida fights out of it and chokes Dos with the belt on his ring gear. He then uses the Japanese flag from his attire to throw Dos off, allowing him to hit a Buzzsaw Kick for two. Kushida misses a top rope moonsault. Dos catches him coming off the ropes with a German suplex. He superkicks Kushida and spins him out into an X-Factor. Dos goes for a split-legged moonsault. Kushida gets his legs up to block. He puts on the Tarantula. Dos and Kushida fight on the ropes. Dos backdrops Kushida to the mat. The frog splash gets him the pin at 11:54. Kushida won over the crowd right away and played a great foil against Dos. Dos also got to score a nice big win and keep his momentum as the YLC champion. Their styles meshed really well and they delivered a fun match. ***

Mike Quackenbush, Claudio Castagnoli & Jorge ‘Skayde’ Rivera vs. UltraMantis Black {ONT}, Crossbones {ONT} & Delirious {ONT}

Skayde trips Delirious into a single leg crab, transitioning into a key lock and then a wristlock. He puts Delirious back into the key lock and drops an elbow on his back. Skayde armdrags Delirious away. Delirious brings him down in a side headlock and gets two with a crucifix pin. They switch pinning combinations. Skayde hiponesa’s Delirious to the floor. In comes Crossbones who stomps on Skayde’s back. Skayde slides out so Quackenbush can come in with a high crossbody. He superkicks Crossbones’ leg out, then superkicks him in the face. Quackenbush backdrops Delirious and gives Mantis a backbreaker. Claudio also gives Mantis a backbreaker. He blasts Mantis with a spin kick and takes him over in a side headlock. He slams Mantis into a legdrop for two. Skayde tags in. Mantis forearms him into a Northern lariat from Delirious. Mantis DDT’s him. Delirious drops an elbow, Crossbones splashes him, and Mantis lands a back senton for two. The Order beatdown on the elder statesmen of the opposing trio until he avoids a corner attack from Mantis and gives Delirious a stunner. Mantis accidentally dropkicks Delirious and Skayde tags in Quackenbush. Delirious and Mantis get in a couple tandem shots. Quackenbush backdrops Mantis and armdrags Delirious. He then takes them both down with a London Bridge. He assists Skayde with a double knuckle drag. Skayde takes them to the floor. He and Quackenbush land stereo suicide dives. Claudio and Crossbones exchange strikes. Claudio gives him the UFO! He looks to pescado onto him but misses. Quackenbush and Skayde get thrown together by Mantis and Delirious. Quackenbush drops mantis with the Black Tornado Slam. Skayde gives Delirious a pump-handle facebuster. Crossbones breaks up both of their pins. Quackenbush comes off the second rope with a reverse cannonball to Crossbones. He springboards out with double knees to Crossbones on the floor. Skayde misses a dropkick to Mantis. He sends Delirious to the floor and fireman’s carry’s Mantis. Skayde stretches out his arms. Claudio misses an elbow drop to Mantis and lands on Skayde. Quackenbush goes for a Tiger Driver on Mantis. Mantis looks for a backslide. Claudio goes to uppercut Mantis, but he turns and Claudio blasts Quackenbush! Mantis backslides Quackenbush for the pin at 13:20. A great trios match where everybody was on point. Claudio’s miscommunication with Skayde and Quackenbush was subdued enough to not give away anything while also playing into tomorrow night. This iteration of the Order was so awesome, and I swear 2009 CHIKARA Claudio was the most fun Claudio ever. ***¼

Sugar Dunkerton runs down some classic sports rivalries and says F.I.S.T. vs The Throwbacks is the newest rivalry. The only thing he is worried about is the three points that are due to them. Hatfield says history shows that F.I.S.T. has been a thorn in his side for quite some time and he’s happy to get revenge. Dunkerton says that somebody better call his mama. He’s handed a phone in which his mom has called out. Hatfield says they will not strike out.

Dasher Hatfield {T} & Sugar Dunkerton {T} vs. Icarus {F} & Chuck Taylor {F}

This is a rematch of sorts from last month, where the Throwbacks pinned F.I.S.T. during a four team elimination match. Hatfield shoulder blocks Taylor after Taylor shoves him out of a side headlock. He snaps off a pair of armdrags and splashes Taylor in the corner. Hatfield headscissors him and drops him face and stomach first into the mat. Taylor rolls out after kicking out of a pin attempt. Dunkerton uses some fancy footwork to drop toe hold his way out of a waistlock from Icarus. He runs across Icarus’ back. He catches him with a forearm in the corner, then a Manhattan drop in the opposite corner. Dunkerton gets one with a diving clothesline thanks to Taylor. Hatfield runs the corners and baseball slide dropkicks Icarus in a tree of woe position. Taylor attacks Dunkerton from behind and chokes him with his boot. This leads to F.I.S.T. bullying Dunkerton in their corner for a period of time. Dunkerton ends up whipping Icarus to the corner and backdropping Icarus. He German suplexes Taylor and tags in Hatfield. He lays out F.I.S.T. with strikes and clotheslines. He splashes them both in the corner, then gives Taylor a running powerslam. Icarus breaks the pin. The Throwbacks gives Icarus a Sidewinder for two. Taylor brings Dunkerton to the floor. He kicks Hatfield into a back cracker from Icarus. Taylor and Icarus give Dunkerton Shooty McGee for two. Taylor hits Sole Food on Hatfield. Taylor tries a pescado to Dunkerton but Dunkerton hits him with a basketball. Hatfield fights out of the Wings of Icarus and rolls him up for the pin at 10:09. The crowd for whatever reason was not into this, despite the action being good. **¾

November 14, 2004 – that was the day Tim Donst meant Hydra. Donst remembers the good times they had but he will never forget how much Hydra held him back. Donst says the Sea Donsters failed because Hydra is a joke and a loser, while he is a winner. He understands you need more than heart to make it in professional wrestling. You gotta do what you gotta do; and he’s willing to do just that. Donst was ringside for Hydra’s first match while Hydra was across the ring from Donst in his first match. Donst says tonight, he will be in the ring for Hydra’s last match.

Loser Leaves CHIKARA
Hydra vs. Tim Donst

Donst shoves Hydra in the face a couple of times. Hydra slaps him in the face! He ducks a clothesline and lights up Donst with chops. Hydra takes him down with a Thesz Press. He chops Donst around ringside. Donst gets in his own chops. Hydra shoves him head first into the ring post. He seats Donst down in a chair and boots him in the side of the head! He clotheslines Donst multiple times back in the ring. Donst low bridges the ropes, sending Hydra to the apron. He kicks him to the floor. He tries throwing Hydra’s face into the ring apron, but Hydra instead does so to Donst. Donst however gives Hydra a backbreaker from the apron and to the floor. He slams Hydra on the floor. In the ring he gives Hydra five gutwrench suplexes for two. He gives him a delayed vertical suplex for two. Donst applies a surfboard stretch. Hydra flips out of it into a lateral press for two. Donst catches him coming off the ropes with an STO for two. He nails the Donst Cap. Hydra kicks out. Donst unzips his muscle suit and slaps Hydra on the back. Donst gets a two count with the Gator Roll. He goes for a diving headbutt. Hydra moves out of the way. He gives Donst a chinbreaker and a headbutt. He chokeslams Donst! Donst rolls to the floor. Hydra looks for a suicide dive, but Donst catches him coming out with an Ace Crusher to the floor! Donst rolls back in, hoping for a count out victory. However, Hydra makes it back into the ring just in time. Donst slaps Hydra in the face as he tries to get to his feet. They end up trading forearm strikes. Donst cuts off Hydra with a forearm to the lower back. Hydra gets on the Hydralock! Donst pulls Bryce Remsburg close so he could low blow Hydra without being seen! This gets Donst the pin at 14:40, kicking Hydra out of CHIKARA. I was blown away by how hot this match was. It went to show how beloved Hydra was and how Donst was much better suited as a Rudo all along. The wrestling was better than you’re used to seeing from these two and was a very suited farewell for Hydra, one of the most over characters in CHIKARA history. ***

Louden Noxious and Dasher Hatfield join Hydra for his farewell speech. At first it’s his usual grunting, but then Lou Gehrig’s “Luckiest Man Alive” speech plays over the speakers as he mouths along. He then exits to “Suicide is Painless”, the M*A*S*H theme song.

Fire Ant {C}, Soldier Ant {C} & Green Ant {C} vs. Vin Gerard {U}, STIGMA {U} & Colin Delaney {U}

Delaney pulls Green Ant to the floor. Fire Ant and Gerard aggressively lock up. Fire Ant takes down Gerard with an armdrag and fireman’s carry. Gerard knees him in the stomach and chops him in the corner. Fire Ant forearms Gerard and tags in Soldier Ant. Fire Ant gives him another fireman’s carry. Soldier Ant lands a falling, saluting headbutt for two. Gerard mocks Soldier Ant with a salute, so Soldier Ant shoulder blocks him down. He then slaps Gerard and gives him a gutbuster. A saluting rolling forearm only gets two as STIGMA breaks up the pin. STIGMA grabs a full nelson. He drives Soldier Ant to the corner. Soldier Ant gets chopped and chops all of the UnStable. Fire Ant high crossbody’s onto STIGMA and overhand chops Delaney and Gerard. Green Ant misses a high crossbody. Delaney and Gerard trip Fire and Soldier Ant to the floor as STIGMA lands a back senton on Green Ant. The rookie ant finds himself isolated in the UnStable’s corner. Green Ant escapes when he avoids a corner attack from Delaney, low bridges the ropes to send Gerard out, and kicks STIGMA away. Soldier Ant takes down Delaney with a diving saluting forearm. Delaney tries the Attitude Adjustment, but Soldier Ant neckmares him to the floor. He ducks Gerard’s clothesline and suicide dives onto Delaney. Fire Ant misses a flying Yahtzee Kick, but drops Gerard with a brainbuster. He Burns Down the House on STIGMA. Green Ant tope’s onto STIGMA while Fire Ant springboard dives onto Delaney. Green Ant puts STIGMA in the Cloverleaf. STIGMA gets the ropes. All three Colony members come off the second rope with dropkicks to STIGMA. They then hit the Ants Marching dropkick in the corner. Delaney and Gerard break up their jackknife/prawn hold combination. STIGMA sets up Fire Ant on his shoulders as Delaney gives Soldier Ant the Attitude Adjustment. Gerard gives Fire Ant the Doomsday Device for two. He then puts Fire Ant in the STF. Green Ant crossbody’s STIGMA and shoves Delaney onto Gerard to break the STF. He throws chops at STIGMA. STIGMA forearms him down in the corner and scrapes his boot across his face. He misses the facewash kick. Green Ant splashes him. STIGMA catches him and hits the Stigmata. Soldier Ant breaks up the pin just in time. STIGMA and Soldier Ant fight over a waistlock, ending with Soldier Ant being dumped to the floor. Fire Ant nails STIGMA with the Heat of the Moment and gets two with a prawn hold. He hits the Yahtzee kick. Gerard drops Fire Ant with a running STO. He goes for the 2k1 Bomb. Soldier Ant stops it and with Fire Ant gives him a reverse brainbuster. Delaney makes the save. Soldier Ant tries to monkey flip Delaney. Delaney evades it, then gets monkey flipped into the corner. Soldier Ant gives him a reverse TKO for the pin at 15:00. Although the action was solid, there wasn’t much story to it. It seemed like a way for the Colony to kill time before their title defense tomorrow and to keep the UnStable on a treadmill. **½

Jigsaw vs. Gran Akuma {F}

Jigsaw throws a flurry of chops at Akuma. They kick one another in the face. Jigsaw trips Akuma and double stomps his chest. He dropkicks Akuma to the floor and suicide dives after him. Jigsaw hits a slingshot legdrop back in the ring for two. He yakuza kicks Akuma for two. Akuma misses a corner attack. Jigsaw ducks an enzuigiri. Akuma catches Jigsaw’s kick and dragonscrew leg whips his bad knee in the ring ropes. Akuma kicks the inside of his leg on the floor. In the ring he kneeDT’s Jigsaw’s bad wheel. Akuma applies the Trailer Hitch. Jigsaw gets the ropes. Akuma figure four’s Jigsaw’s legs. Jigsaw turns it over to reverse the pressure, and Akuma grabs the ropes. Jigsaw avoids an enzugiri and enzuigiri’s Akuma to the floor. He follows with a plancha suicida. He hits a missile dropkick back in the ring for two. Akuma ducks a superkick. He looks for the Rubix Cube but Jigsaw escapes. He instead catches Jigsaw with the Tenchi Crash for two. Akuma wants the Yoshi Tonic. Jigsaw escapes. After some positioning he drops Akuma with a Death Valley Bomb. Akuma jams Jigsaw’s knees into the mat. He pulls off the Yoshi Tonic but Jigsaw kicks out. Jigsaw palm strikes Akuma on the top turnbuckle. Akuma shoves Jigsaw down so that his bad leg gets stuck in the ropes. Jigsaw muscles his way free. Akuma places him on his shoulders looking for a super Rubix Cube. Jigsaw reverses it into a super Frankensteiner. Jigsaw lights up Jigsaw with forearms and slaps. Akuma drives him across the ring, throws some strikes, then a hard kick to the shoulder. Jigsaw cuts him off with a superkick. Akuma throws a discuss clothesline. Jigsaw ducks and tries a backslide. When Akuma kicks out, Jigsaw superkicks him again and gets a two count. Akuma crotches Jigsaw on the top rope. He brings him down with a spider exploder suplex, but Jigsaw rolls through. He hangs Akuma in a tree of woe. He hobbles his way to the top rope and hits a coast-to-coast dropkick. Jigsaw holds his knee as he goes for the pin, but Akuma grabs the bottom rope to avoid a pin. He calls for the Jig N’ Tonic. Akums avoids it. He gives Jigsaw a twisting knee drop into the canvas. He powerbombs Jigsaw and lands a moonsault for two. Jigsaw and Akuma trade kicks. Akuma ends the exchange with a rolling clothesline. Akuma sets up Jigsaw for a super Yoshi Tonic. Jigsaw stops the momentum and drops Akuma with a second rope Jig N’ Tonic for the pin at 15:54. This was one heck of a battle. These guys oozed hatred for one another as they just beat the snot out of each other from bell to bell. They did a great thing playing up Jigsaw’s leg injury, but even though Jigsaw sold it like crazy, there was still some of his offense that had me raise my eyebrow. Despite that, it was an awesome feud ending battle and one of the most hard hitting matches in CHIKARA history. ****


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