Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One


Hellertown, PA – 1.27.2008

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush, Leonard F. Chikarason, Louden Noxious, UltraMantis Black, Larry Sweeney, Bryce Remsburg, and Eddie Kingston.

UltraMantis holds a bowl of saltine crackers in his hand. He finds Cheech and Cloudy morally despicable. The saltines remind him of them, because his mouth for some reason gets dry around them. He crumbles and devours the saltines as a metaphor for what he and Crossbones are going to do to them. He proclaims 2008 to be the year of the Order.

Cheech & Cloudy vs. UltraMantis Black {ONT} & Crossbones {ONT}

Cheech headscissors Mantis into a cross-legged prawn hold for two. He attempts a backslide. Crossbones comes in to chop Cheech, but Cheech turns over his arm lock resulting in him chopping Mantis twice by accident. Cheech then grabs Crossbones’ hands and has him chop Mantis once more. He sends Mantis to the floor and tags in Cloudy. Cloudy runs circles around Crossbones to dizzy him. Crossbones misses a sit out splash and gets rolled up for two. Crossbones then comes off the second rope with an armdrag. Cloudy rolls him up after Crossbones misses a corner splash. He tries a crossbody but gets caught and slammed. This leads to the Order isolating Cloudy in their corner. Cloudy ends up catching Mantis with an Ace Crusher and tagging out. Cheech comes in with a Manhattan and Atomic drop. He turns him inside out with a lariat. Crossbones is too heavy to be lifted. Cheech kicks him in the posterior before taking him down with a clothesline. Mantis and Crossbones attempt a double team. Cheech however walks off Crossbones’ back into a headscissors to Mantis. Cloudy pescado’s after him. Cheech dropkicks Crossbones onto the second rope for Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Cheech. They look for Death by Knee but Crossbones is still too heavy. Cloudy dropkicks him into Cheech’s sunset flip for two. Mantis tosses Cloudy out. Crossbones flapjacks Cheech up into a Code Breaker from Mantis. Cloudy makes the save. He gets Crossbones to the floor. Cheech lariats Mantis into Cloudy’s Ranhei for two. Crossbones kicks Cheech to the floor. Cloudy tries a backslide. Mantis rolls through and hits the Praying Mantis Bomb for the pin at 10:28. This is your perfect, action packed opening match. Mantis and Crossbones don’t typically come off as very smooth when together but they did so here. Of course, Cheech and Cloudy always deliver and helped make them look great. **¾

Kaiju Big Battel ring announcer Louden Noxious makes his way to the ring. He is bringing us a special unannounced interspecies three way contest. The first participant is the Moravian Greyhound, a dig at Moravian College in Bethlehem, PA who were originally set to host this particular show. Kaiju Big Battel’s own Zombie Plantain (a Dr. Cube creation) is the second participant. Hydra is the third and easily most beloved participant. It is very, very, very rare to see a three way match in CHIKARA.

Hydra {ONT} vs. Zombie Plantain {KBB} vs. Moravian Greyhound

Greyhound withstands Hydra’s shoulder block and uses one to take down Hydra himself. Hydra pets the Greyhound into a false sense of security, then stomps on his tale. Hydra pets him again from the second rope. He pretends to throw something which Greyhound goes to fetch. He finds a skull mask under the ring and presents it to Hydra. Hydra admonishes him by hitting him with his towel. Greyhound chop blocks his leg for two. He knocks Hydra down with a clothesline. Hydra tags in Plantain. Plantain takes Greyhound over with a hip toss. UltraMantis Black makes his way ringside as the Plantain bites the Greyhound’s hand. He tags in Hydra. Hydra gets in some forearms, but then gets whipped into a tree of woe. Greyhound delivers some JYD headbutts. He misses once, allowing Hydra to recover and come off the second rope with a double axe handle. Mantis shakes his skull staff at the Plantain. This convinces Plantain to assist Hydra with a double chokeslam. Both of them cover Greyhound for the pin at 5:19. Hydra is declared the winner. This was more or less a joke at Moravian College’s expense but a pretty amusing one at least. *

Vin Gerard is outside the building with his gear bag. He has to get ready for his matches outside because they won’t let him into the locker room. The fans may have chanted “Equinox” when he got unmasked, but it was too little too late. He remembers that Worker Ant was one of the guys who kicked him out of the building when he lost his mask. Vin says that Worker Ant is going to be just another example of what he can do, just like Shane Storm was last month.

Worker Ant {C} vs. Vin Gerard

Turns out Gerard has been sitting at the bar this whole time obscured in a hoodie. Gerard tosses his Equinox mask at Worker Ant and beats him down. Worker Ant then beats him down in the opposite corner. Gerard knees him in the stomach. Worker Ant stomps his foot and pokes his eye. Gerard delivers a couple kicks but gets armdragged and monkey flipped for his troubles. Gerard avoids a trip and kicks Worker Ant in the stomach. Worker Ant toreador’s him to the floor. Gerard stops his suicide dive attempt with a knee to the face. Gerard mocks the Colony by delivering a saluting headbutt and a fireman’s carry. He pulls at Worker Ant’s mask and chops him while trapping his arms. He nails a running knee strike in the corner. Worker Ant ducks a clothesline. He gives Gerard an atomic drop and a lariat. Back on his feet, he slams Gerard after a flying forearm and single-leg dropkick. He puts the Equinox mask back on Gerard. Gerard rolls to the floor and Worker Ant suicide dives after him. Back in the ring Gerard hot shots Worker Ant on the top rope for two. Worker Ant backslides Gerard for two. He spikes him with a DDT before hitting an antzuigiri. Gerard teases a high flying move but then puts on an STF. Worker Ant gets the ropes. Worker Ant catches him with a slam. He misses a running shooting star press, Equinox’s finisher. Gerard hits the Rude Awakening. He re-applies the STF. Worker Ant taps out at 8:42. It’s hard to believe Equinox and Gerard are the same person. His aggression, style of wrestling, everything about him is just so totally different. The crowd ate this match up and Worker Ant stepped his game up in a rare singles outing. ***

Vin Gerard tries going to the back but is stopped by Shane Storm, Hallowicked, and Create-A-Wrestler. Gerard instead heads out through the side door.

Sara Del Rey vs. Kylie Pierce

Sara hits a dropkick. She stomps and kicks Pierce to the corner. Sara throws Pierce out of the corner by her hair. She kicks Pierce down and chokes her with her boot. Sara snapmares her into a crucifix pin for two. She delivers a few chops before knocking Pierce down with a back elbow for two. Pierce comes back with some forearm strikes. Sara catches her coming of the ropes with a boot to the face. Pierce ducks a clothesline and puts on an Octopus stretch. Pierce climbs the ropes. Sara axe kicks her from the floor twice. Pierce fights her off and hits a tornado DDT. Sara reverses an Irish whip into the Royal Butterfly. She suplexes Pierce out of it for the pin at 4:56. Sara got to look like a heck of an ass kicker here. Pierce looked alright in the few spots she got. *¼

Eddie Kingston says 2007 ended on a high note because he beat Hallowicked and proved he’s the best student to come out of CHIKARA. Now it’s time to look into the future, but not too far, because tonight he’s facing Shane Storm. Storm may think Kingston expended all his time and energy on Hallowicked but that’s not the case. He tells Storm to beware, because even though he ended 2007 on a high note, he’s looking to start 2008 even stronger.

Shane Storm vs. Eddie Kingston {BO}

Kingston takes control on the mat, shoving Storm away after breaking out of a headscissors. Kingston shoves Storms to the ropes to break a wristlock. He delivers a chop. Storm counters a hip toss with a Frankensteiner. He comes off the second with an armdrag and gets two with a flying clothesline. Kingston yakuza kicks Storm to the apron. Kingston leaps off the second rope into a clothesline which nails Storm right on the nose. Kingston inflicts more damage on the floor. Storm’s nose is now bleeding out onto his mask. Kingston goes for a few nearfalls back in the ring, smacking Storm’s face in the process. He puts Storm in a Camel Clutch and drives his elbow into Storm’s head. Kingston chops him in the corner. On the opposite side, Storm catches Kingston with a boot. He gives him a hard slap and a sunset flip for two. Angrily Kingston gives him a hard forearm. He tosses Storm to the floor. When Storm comes back in Kingston delivers a headbutt. Storm sends Kingston to the floor. Storm tries a tope con hilo but Kingston moves and he eats it. Storm makes his way back in the ring. Kingston covers him for two. Storm throws some forearms and hits a desperation DDT. He then hits the Jackhammer for two. Storm dumps Kingston on his head with a German suplex! Kingston kicks out. He turns Storm inside out with a lariat. When Storm kicks out, Kingston picks him up into an Emerald Frosion. Storm kicks out of that. He also German suplexes Storm onto his head. Storm quickly hits That Japanese Move before taking time to recover. They trade strikes on their knees. They continue doing so when they get to their feet. Storm delivers two headbutts. Kingston peppers him with slaps to the face. Storm hits a tornado kick for two. Kingston had blood covering him from Storm’s nose. He fights up looking for a Saito suplex. Storm fights out and hits another That Japanese Move for two. Kingston gives Storm two Saito suplexes. He goes for the Backfist. Storm ducks it, but hits it on the second try for the pin at 15:07. I don’t think anybody expected a match like this going into the show. Storm’s bloody face made this match and made him look like a complete badass for persevering and at times even having Kingston on the ropes (figuratively speaking). This show gets forgotten, but this is one of the best brawls CHIKARA has done and was even included on their Best of 2008 compilation. ***½

Jimmy Olsen comes out for his match. Colin Olsen is in his corner covered in bandages. For the past few weeks, Colin had been featured as Colin Delaney on ECW getting beaten down by Shelton Benjamin, Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, Kane, and The Great Khali. Leonard F. Chikarason says he saw Colin getting beat up on Tuesday and believes his is too hurt to compete. Colin grabs the mic and says he “fell down the stairs.” It’s very clear Colin is hiding the truth from Jimmy. With Colin being too beat up, Jimmy will make his singles debut tonight.

Jimmy Olsen {OT} vs. Sabian {BO}

Sabian puts on a hammerlock. When Jimmy escapes, Sabian forearms him in the face. Jimmy goes through his legs and delivers a shoulder block. Sabian responds with one his own and blows snot on Jimmy. Jimmy snaps off a couple armdrags and a pair of dropkicks. Sabian misses a punch but drop toe holds him into the second turnbuckle. He delivers a baseball slide dropkick. He knees Jimmy in the stomach for two. Sabian wipes his saliva covered hands into Jimmy’s face. He chokes him on the bottom rope. Jimmy catches him with a back elbow. He sends Sabian to the apron but Sabian hits a clothesline and a slingshot senton in response. Sabian gets a two count with a Northern Lights suplex. He chokes Jimmy behind referee Derek Sabato’s back. Jimmy gets two with a sunset flip. Sabian back elbows him down. He puts on a chinlock which Jimmy elbows out of. Jimmy tries a couple pinfall attempts and ends the sequence with a Frankensteiner and enzuigiri. Both men trade forearms. Jimmy wins the exchange and nails a lariat. He crossbody’s Sabian in the corner and comes off the top rope with double knees to the back. He German suplexes Sabian for two. Sabian drops Jimmy with a Complete Shot. He only gets two with a frogsplash. Jimmy throws him to the mat by his hair. He asks for Colin’s assistance. Colin slowly crawls to the apron. Sabian throws them together. He kicks out Jimmy’s knee and comes off the top with the double stomp to the crown of his head for the pin at 10:09. I remember when Colin became a frequent competitor for ECW wondering if Jimmy could make on his own as a singles. This match put those worries at ease. He and Sabian had a great match that I thinked surprised just about everyone. Both men stepped up their game when the opportunity presented itself and the crowd really enjoyed what they produced. ***

Fire Ant {C} & Soldier Ant {C} vs. Icarus {F} & Gran Akuma {F}

Fire Ant and Icarus fight for control. Fire Ant knocks him down with a running shoulder block. Akuma tags in. Icarus back chops Fire Ant from the apron while Akuma knocks Soldier Ant off the apron. F.I.S.T. try a double team but Fire Ant backflips over them. Soldier Ant comes in to fight off Akuma. The Colony help each other kick their opponents and attack them in opposite corners. Fire Ant tope con hilo’s onto Icarus while Soldier Ant suicide dives after Akuma. Icarus sends Fire Ant into the ring post. F.I.S.T. take out Soldier Ant with an enzuigiri/leg sweep combo for two. F.I.S.T. continue to wear Soldier Ant down until he ducks Akuma’s clothesline and suicide dives onto Icarus. Fire Ant comes in with a high crossbody onto Akuma. He takes him over with a fireman’s carry and a suplex. He and Soldier Ant hit the Ants Marching neckbreaker but Icarus breaks the pin attempt. Fire Ant tosses Icarus off the top rope with a fireman’s carry. Akuma stops Soldier Ant from a saluting headbutt and gives him a spider exploder suplex. When he hits it, Fire Ant nails a coast-to-coast dropkick. Fire Ant climbs up the second rope. Icarus brings him down with a back cracker. Soldier Ant catches Icarus’ spear attempt and hits a TKO leaving all four men laying. Soldier Ant wheelbarrows Akuma up for a bulldog from Fire Ant. Again Icarus breaks the pin. He pitches Fire Ant to the floor and goes for the Pedigree on Soldier Ant. Although Soldier Ant fights out of that, Icarus successfully hits the EVO. Akuma’s moonsault gets him two as Fire Ant jumps in at the last moment. Icarus slaps him in the face. Fire Ant goes for the Beach Break. Icarus slides out and tries the Pedigree. Fire Ant fights out. Icarus gives him a spinebuster. Soldier Ant German suplexes Icarus. Akuma takes him out with a fallaway kick. Fire Ant tires Burning Down the House. Akuma blocks. He rolls Fire Ant for the Tenchi Crash but Fire Ant counters with a high-speed Prawn Hold for the pin at 11:30. The F.I.S.T. and Colony feud is one of the most well known feuds in CHIKARA history, and although it doesn’t pick up for a little bit, this was one heck of a tag match. I saw offense out of the Colony I don’t think I had ever seen before or since. The heat segment didn’t drag and went just the right amount of time. Just like the last match, this came from out of nowhere and was super entertaining. ***¼

Larry Sweeney is amped to face Hallowicked tonight. He doesn’t like Hallowicked. He needs an attitude adjustment, and Sweeney also doesn’t like his stem or the fact that children love him. Sweeney is all amped up as he ends the promo with an “Ain’t No Doubt About It!”

Hallowicked {I} vs. Larry Sweeney

Sweeney goes after Hallowicked’s leg but Hallowicked gets on a side headlock. He then twists Sweeney’s ankle until Sweeney gets the ropes. Sweeney puts on a courting hold, then rolling Hallowicked into a double leg hold. Hallowicked escapes and armdrags Sweeney out. Sweeney tries getting the fans to cheer him but it doesn’t go so well. Hallowicked chops him in the corner and whips him across the ring twice. He hip tosses Sweeney. Sweeney slides to the floor to avoid a yakuza kick. Hallowicked ducks Sweeney’s clothesline. He hits a step-up Frankensteiner. Sweeney throws Hallowicked chest first into the corner and chop blocks his leg out. Sweeney kicks the heck out of the leg before hitting a kneeDT. He works over Hallowicked’s leg in the ropes and against the ring post. Hallowicked manages to reverse a figure four leg lock. Sweeney tries to re-apply it. Hallowicked kicks Sweeney to the floor and follows him out with a pescado. He sends Sweeney shoulder first into the ring post before bringing him back into the ring. Sweeney attacks with a double axe handle upon Hallowicked’s re-entry. Hallowicked gets in some punches before hitting a super snapmare. He rolls up Sweeney but Sweeney’s shoulders aren’t on the mat. Hallowicked’s left leg is too hurt to hold up Hallowicked for a yakuza kick. Sweeney clobbers him with a clothesline to the neck. He gets two with a Gourdbuster. Hallowicked misses a yakuza kick attempt, so Sweeney hits a fisherman’s suplex for two. Hallowicked comes back with the Rydeen Bomb for two. Sweeney tries to Graham Cracker Hallowicked but only gets two. Sweeney argues with Sabato allowing Hallowicked to sunset flip Sweeney for two. Sweeney goes for the ‘68 Comeback Special. Hallowicked back body drops out of it and hits the yakuza kick for the pin at 13:32. I really loved the build-up to the yakuza kick, as opposed to it coming from nowhere to end the match. Sweeney really got to showcase his wrestling ability over his comedy and character which isn’t common. Hallowicked was game to make the leg work pay off and everything came together really well. ***

Trios Increíbles
Mike Quackenbush, Tim Donst & Amasis {OP} vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Lince Dorado & Ophidian {OP}

Donst impressively goes toe-to-toe with Claudio on the mat. They shake hands before tagging out to Dorado and Amasis respectively. Dorado uses the ropes to snap off an armdrag. Amasis blocks a second and kicks Dorado in the back. Dorado however does armdrag Amasis to the floor and tags in Ophidian. Refusing to tag his partner, Amasis lets Quackenbush enter. Quackenbush and Ophidian look for control on the mat. Ophidian gets on a Cattle Mutilation. Quackenbush rolls it over. Ophidian gets the ropes. Quackenbush armdrags him into a half crab. Ophidian kicks him away. Quackenbush catches him with a tilt-a-whirl backbeaker. Dorado and Donst tag in. They trade moves until Donst gets on a side headlock after a fireman’s carry. They trade pin attempts until reaching a stalemate. Enter Claudio and Quackenbush. Claudio military presses Quackenbush up after a Mexican catapult. Quackenbush fights out. He pops off the ropes onto Claudio’s shoulders and armdrags him to the corner. He gives Claudio on heck of a monkey flip. Ophidian come sin. Quackenbush tags in Amasis leaving the Portal members to fight one another. Their partners refuse to tag out. They start off tentative, incorporating some dancing into their offense, but don’t mind trading armdrags. Each guy tries a victory roll and other pinning combinations. They stare each other down. Amasis wants a handshake but gets a chop instead! Quackenbush and Dorado tag in. Quackenbush gives him a gut buster. Quackenbush’s team take turns wearing Dorado down. Dorado ends up hitting Donst with a high crossbody and tagging in Claudio. He mows down Amasis and Donst with clotheslines. He nails Amasis with an uppercut. Claudio fights with Donst on the floor. Quackenbush cannonballs onto Claudio. Ophidian brings Donst back in and hits a neckbreaker. His team turns the tables and wears him down in their corner, targeting Donst’s left knee. Donst musters up the strength for a suplex. He tags in Quackenbush. He takes down Ophidian with a bulldog and running elbow strike. He hits the Black Tornado Slam for two. Ophidian flips off the top rope and puts on the Death Grip. Donst breaks it up. He drops Claudio with an STO. Claudio blocks a leg trip and digs his foot into the back of Donst’s injured knee. Donst grabs the ropes. Amasis shoulder blocks Claudio to the floor. Dorado reverses suplexes Amasis and hits a Superfly splash. Quackenbush breaks the cover. He rolls Dorado into the CHIKARA Special. Claudio breaks the hold. He gives Quackenbush the Match Killer. Donst comes in. Claudio puts him in the CHIKARA Special. Quackenbush kicks Claudio to free Donst. He Cactus clotheslines Claudio to the floor. Ophidian goes for the Death Grip on Donst. Donst uses the ropes to roll back and hit the Gator Roll. Dorado missile dropkicks Donst. Amasis gives him a split-legged axe kick. Ophidian surprisingly breaks the pin and hits Amasis with a Ranhei. Quackenbush breaks the pin. He fights with Claudio on the second rope. Quackenbush shoves Claudio down and hits a Dragonrana. Claudio kicks out! He calls for the Quackendriver III. Claudio blocks it and hits the Swiss Chin Music. He tries a Ricola Bomb. Amasis crossbody’s onto him to block it. He throws some punches. Claudio ducks an axe kick and hits him with the Ricola Bomb for the pin at 26:26. There was no reason for this to go so long, especially with so many useless exchanges in the beginning. There was never much drama or excitement aside from the Portal working against each other and the few times Quackenbush and Claudio squared off. The action was fine but there was nothing particularly memorable or interesting about this. ***


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